Emma8 Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 OK, my not so nice to me ex broke up with me 4 months ago. Been really really hard but this week I feel stronger. Ive been doing well with NC - nearly 10 days. However I have come over all anxious and panicky. I feel like i want to email him. To just say let him know about all the nice things we did for each other that was so amazing. Writing each other notes everyday and leaving in random places, little 'iloveyous' around the house, in the stones outside, in the snow on my car, on the bathroom mirror, leaving my teddy wearing his top to make me smile. I want to remind him of our little jokes, pet names, things we did that made each other laugh and smile, the way we held hands and how I always fitted into neck perfectly when we slept and when we woke we would automatically reach for each other and get worried if one of us wasnt there. How he loved my homemade pasta, how we had special glasses for our cider, how he would always call me in breaks at work and blow me a kiss from the football pitch when playing. I want him to remember our first camping trip and how we almost got blown away! How we visited the most perfect beach in Greece and never wanted to leave. I know its all silly, but I feel like I want to tell him all of this. Maybe he will realise what a mistake he has made. I dont want him to do all this with his new girlf. It makes me so sad. What if he has forgotten everything But, i know that on the flip side, he was emotionally draining and abusive, called me awful names and said horrible things. He could be a really nasty person. Im trying SO hard to remember all this!! THis should be my reason for not even giving him a second thought or if I email him, it should be about bad stuff not good stuff. So confusing. It such a rollercoaster of confusing emotions. One minute I hate him for what he has done and feel stronger and feel like Im starting to accept things, the next I desperately want him back and miss him terribly I will get there, one day.... Link to comment
IRefuseToSink Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 All I can say is don't do it. Nothing you do will help the situation, it only makes things worse. Nothing will bring him back but himself. Link to comment
quirky Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 Maybe he will realise what a mistake he has made Sorry..but no. I can guarantee you he hasn't forgotten everything, not at all. But he broke up with you. Which means he is after something else, something maybe not better but different. I know how much this hurts but contacting him to remind him of memories won't help one bit. He may recall everything later down the line but that's not your concern. I know how difficult this strangeship is, we are all freaked out by it I tell you! But hold your head up high sista, value yourself and do not call him, you don't need crumbs. Link to comment
Emma8 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 Thanks. I hope he hasnt. I wish i knew what was going on in his head. Is he really happy without me? Does he regret it but being stubborn? Was I special to him? Or just now forgotten. I know those things were special moments, to me. I know we had some amazing times that Ill never forget. Thats important. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 All those little things you describe are things you can do with another man who is not abusive. You are missing the fun little things that most people do together in some form or another, so you are not missing anything 'unique' about him, just missing companionship and being part of a couple. So returnign to the source of your pain (and abuse) will not cure your pain. Remind yourself that the sooner you get over him, the sooner you will be available to meet a new man who does all those things and more, and who doesn't abuse you. Don't confuse loneliness and desire to be part of a couple with needing to go back to someone who is abusive and doesn't want to be with you anymore. The sooner you quit romanticizing him, the sooner you will feel better and find someone new. Link to comment
delicous Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 EMMA: Good news!! You two have lots of history together, however you are broken up and "I don't know the reasons because you didn't say" but if he made it clear he wants no contact or friendship....It doesn't mean you are not able to get him back.... Bad News!! Sending an email or text like that will only further influence him into thinking he made the right decision. You are coming off as needing reassurance and guys HATE needy girls, the email is basically confirming his reasoning behind breaking up....and if you send any email.. NICE OR MEAN...you have to remember the person on the other end of that email may not interpret it as you meant and may not feel like how you feel when reading it over in your head....and also...they may think of the email as straight DISRESPECT because they asked you to leave them be... I know from experience!....I went through the crazy emails, I think I sent like 6 emails within a span of 4 months or so...May of been even more than that!....Aaaand my emails went from very nice to very very meeean...Guess what his email was back to me?? IM GETTING MARRIED, I HAVE NO NEED TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU AND WOULD YOU PLEASE LEAVE ME BE! And 2nd email...I AM HAVING A BABY WITH HER..... DONE!!! End of story...BAD IDEA to stay in contact eeeeespecially if you are trying to get over him... What happened before he even emailed me back???..I was checking my email EVERY DAY to see if he had emailed me back...What happened when he finally emailed me back... I WAS DEVESTATED and emailed him ONCE MORE, Very mean email lol... Sooooooo, don't do it girl~! Another thing: If you WISH to be back together...no contact is a great thing to pursue, but you also gotto be able to get your feet wet and do things, even if its small, like working out , reading a book...taking a class to learn something new....treating yourself right....No contact will not do justice or work if you are just hanging around your place sleeping and barely eating, lol...just sayin.... I wouldn't go no contact for more than 1-2 months tho...Id at least let him know he's on your mind and thats it...nothing more, nothing less...just "thought about you today, ur on my mind..." Thats it...but i wouldn't send it untul you have at least completed 1-2 months... Link to comment
markie6 Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 She should not want him back, there is the problem, she is being weak and the infatuation goggles need to be removed. Link to comment
Emma8 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 I guess they are. I mean thinking about it, I never got anything substantial back from him, no support, no interest in my hobbies, no respect and I didnt really learn from him. I gave him alot! Bent over backwards to listen, help, support, loved and cared for him etc He did do a lot of nice things for me and always gave me affection and attention. Made promises, etc which i know now are empty words. Maybe he just took and never wanted to give fully. Link to comment
Emma8 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 She should not want him back, there is the problem, she is being weak and the infatuation goggles need to be removed. Yes. Weak moment. Very weak moment...... Need to take him off that bloody pedestal where he does not belong. Link to comment
delicous Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 Emma...Just remember you deserve the best aaaand NEVER settle for less!!..=) Link to comment
Emma8 Posted March 28, 2012 Author Share Posted March 28, 2012 Thanks for your advice! Although my ex was emotionally and verbally abusive so even though my heart wants him back, my head is saying a big FAT NO. He could be quite a nasty one sometimes. Good times were amazing, better than Ive ever experienced but bad times were really really bad. Its like I had the worst year and best year of my life all rolled into one.....!!!!! I have been doing NC (failed a couple of times) but he is the one contacting me...despite having a girlf. Never asking for forgiveness or missing me etc just little txts here and there, preventing me from moving on. Longest he has gone is a week with not contacting me. Its been 2 days since I last heard from him.....and I think thats it now as he promised to leave me alone. I have been doing a lot more for myself recently, reading a new book, going out with friends and spending quality time with my son....so I will get there...just gonna take a while. I know what I have to do. Its doing it that seems to be the problem. Link to comment
Coconut Twin Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 Yes you'll get there doll! I was where you're at 3 weeks ago now I think. I had nearly the whole of ENA try stop me from sending him an email of how disappointed I was in him to decide on breaking up with me. I would have regretted it now looking back in hindsight. Don't message him. Keep your dignity and self respect. We all have these moments where we want to make them realise what they lost. Continue with the no contact. Focus on your own well being and become a better and stronger person. Then possibly when you have healed up, accepted and regrouped. Then maybe think about emailing him, however by then you probably.wouldn't be too bothered whether you contact him or not. Link to comment
Coconut Twin Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 and to add. I'm nearly 4 weeks NC and don't even have an ounce of desire to email him. Believe and have faith in yourself that it will get tonnes easier. Each day of NC makes a difference. Link to comment
MissieP Posted March 28, 2012 Share Posted March 28, 2012 Emma don't feed into his ego! Remember my ex did the same thing and he is supposedly happy with his GF. I want to tell him off or send the texts to his girlfriend but would it do any good? No! Best thing to do is ignore,ignore hopefully he will get the hint. Link to comment
EmmaB78 Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 From one Emma to another : ) - I think the emotionally abusive ones can be the hardest to get over because when they're sweet, they are really, really sweet. Then, they suddenly turn on us, and tell us it's our fault that they changed, and we begin to believe them and try to do whatever we can to get them back to the nice guy they once were. And what that usually entails is forgetting about our own needs and desires, staying quiet to avoid upsetting them, etc etc, and it doesn't work anyway - they still cycle back and forth no matter what we do or don't do. Some psychologist did a study once where they had these rats, I think, and they had this lever they could push, and most of the time they would get shocked, but sometimes they would get a piece of cheese (I am probably getting this all wrong, but the underlying principle is the same). Basically, what they found was that the rats would keep risking getting shocked again and again in the hopes of getting that piece of cheese, and just getting it now and then was enough to allow them to keep risking the shock. That's what emotionally abusive people do to us - they give us the cheese now and then, and we become so desperate for it that we keep running back to it, even though most of the time we get shocked. Luckily, we are humans, not rats, and we have the ability to overcome the temptation with rational thought. So just keep reminding yourself: That little bit of cheese is great, but it's not worth the many shocks you have to suffer again and again just to attain it once in a while. Link to comment
Emma8 Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 Thanks Emma! They are the hardest to overcome. Its the mental hold they have over you. Never had it before and its frustrating and annoying that as a strong person, someone can who is actually (more clearly to others) not worth it, can have this hold. Well, that little bit of cheese txt me this morning (considering the last call was to now leave me alone) but it was only to tell me that his sister now had her baby. I knew his sister well, so he is probably just being nice and letting me know. All innocent and nothing in it. The thing is, he knew how much we wanted children together and of course when his sister fell pregnant, altho happy for her, I wished (at the time) it was us. So, I kinda know he is thinking that right now. About what could have been etc. I have thought about replying to say 'Congrats on being an uncle and wish her luck for me' but to be honest, its not going to help me. I think the best approach is just to ignore. He didnt need to tell me. I wouldnt tell him anything about my life, so he should tell me anything about his. But there again he is selfish. Link to comment
FreeFallFeelin Posted March 29, 2012 Share Posted March 29, 2012 Emma, any man that abuses a woman verbally or physically is waste of time. Just ask almost any other guy, and they'll probably offer to kick his a** for you! He may have "dumped" you, but HE is the reject. No joke. By going back to, or even being in contact with an abuser, you are teaching them that their behavior is okay. They know that they can get away with it, with no real consequence. Staying with an abuser is a sign of low self-esteem, which is something you can work on, and can have amazing results with. Once you realize that NOBODY deserves abuse, you will never ever put up with it again. I promise you, there are so many good guys out there that treat women right, and will be interested in your hobbies, friends, ...life. Trust me, they are dying to meet a sweet girl that they can take care of shower in love. Abusers are the minority, so leave this bad seed behind, focus on healing, and look forward to one day meeting a man that has his head on straight. Link to comment
Emma8 Posted March 29, 2012 Author Share Posted March 29, 2012 Thank you - his address is....! I dont know if I have low self esteem, Ive always been a strong, independent, outgoing fun person. Very sociable and used to go travelling solo once or twice a year, been round the whole of Europe on my own - great fun by the way! It was when I met him that I changed. Or he changed me, for the worse. Became very attached to him very quickly and then the relationship was so intense. I hate this hold he has over me and i am really trying to break it. The last few days I do believe I have become much stronger. Since ignoring every bit of contact and concentrating on myself. Even booked my next solo trip today - Amsterdam Its gonna take time and I still get waves of anxiety and miss him tremendously, although starting to wonder why after all the crap I endured. I just cant believe I put up with some of the stuff he said and did. I never thought I would ever be called such names and treated so badly. Never thought it would be me. Always something you hear of not experience. I wouldnt have spoken to my worst enemies the way he did to me...and I certainly wouldnt have stood for it with my friends....so why did I with him! Damn heart!! Link to comment
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