Half Past Dead

[Man Apart]

Me trying to persuade someone to live is like the blind leading the blind. Despite the hypocrisy, I try sometimes, because I see things in people they cant see in themselves. I know who has hope and who is hopeless, like me. Someone told me Id be a decent psychiatrist. What better qualification to treat the mentally ill than being mentally ill yourself. Or once was.

 

Im sad for my parents. Ive hurt them. Still hurting them. Cant bare looking into their faces anymore. They dont even treat me normal anymore. My mother acts like a nurse. Always wants me to keep the door unlock or open. I look at her sometimes, and just say things in my mind I can never tell her face to face. Mother im sorry Ive failed you. Im sorry for not being stronger. Im sorry for all the times Ive hurt you. I love you so much. You would be so happier if I was not here. If I was never born. I always imagine what if you was fortunate enough to have had a miscarriage, how great your life would be, without the burden of raising a disgraceful human being. Im responsible for her misery. And when im gone, her life will probably be destroyed. Because she will spend the rest of her years blaming herself for someone she could not save.

 

Im 26 years old. I dont know if im mentally ill or not. I must be right. I guess. I know im sad. A very sad miserable person. I woke up one day and I looked at the world and I looked in the mirror and realized, I want no part of this. That I cant escape the fear, the abuse, the depression, the anxiety, the chills I feel every night, the envy I have, the hate, the bitterness, the suffering. What happens to you when you question your existence. When you question God. What happens when you dont fall in line. When your not interested in waking up everyday being a slave, to life, to this world. Dont get me wrong, life can be blissful for many. Its helps to have money. Helps to be handsome or beautiful. Helps to be smart or talented. I have none of those, so Ill never see a day of blissfulness. So I ask why bother. Has nothing to do with will power, or determination, or etc. Its genetic. Some people give birth to the perfect formulated child for life. Some people give birth to living nightmares. I notice it every time I went to a group session. Everyone wondered why the beautiful young girl in the corner was in the same room with us. You got one of the superpowers of life, get out of here.

 

I live in a world full of predators. We kill each other physically, mentally, socially, we kill each others self esteem and self worth. I was raped by a male teacher when I was 11 years old 3 separate occasions. It doesn't compare to how much I was raped mentally and emotionally for years. I stop blaming myself for what I am. Its not my fault the way the world sees me, and reacts to me. The world is what it is. I cant change it. If I was tall dark and handsome Im pretty sure I wouldn't have had to be beating daily and abused daily. I dont blame children and teenagers. They are innocent. Because they are oblivious to the amount of cruelty they are capable of. I guess I understand. Its human nature. I was repulsive little fat kid. Still am.

 

Theres nothing in life that could really make me happy. Which is scary. I did all I could. Its inescapable. For me. You know the big word that gets thrown at me is being selfish. It would be selfish of me to leave my loved ones, hurt them. Maybe. But then again, they dont wear my shoes. I cant make them understand. Wouldn't it be selfish for you to ask someone to continue suffering. I dont know. My grandfather needed to have his leg amputated or they told him he would die. He said no, I want my leg, Its my decision, Ill just have to die. He died shortly after I graduated from high school. I found nothing selfish about it. He just got tired of suffering. Had nothing to do with the love he had for his wife and family.

 

Just dont understand this place. My mind took a turn for the worst at some point. When I realized why I was so different. I realized I was the worst possible formula for this world. For society. If I got to see the world before I was born, I wouldn't have got on this ride. But you cant. Its funny, your born, 20 years later you realize, you really wish you weren't here. But its wrong to think that way. Selfish remember. They call ya ill if you do. Its not about life's problems. I am the problem. There was a girl in group session that asked me, why am I still here? I told her because 26 years ago my Mom and dad made a bad idea to have unprotected sex and 45 trazadone pills didn't do much but give me the worst stomach ache ever and make me really drowsy. Oh and theres a girl. Always a girl right. I realized she was only prolonging my dreaded life. A prolonged life is more tragic than a prolonged death. I thought love would change me. Change my life. Maybe it will or wont. Ill never know. All I know, is that I dont want to look into her eyes 2-3 years from now, telling her how sorry i am that ive failed her too.

 

I dislike people who tell me im not alone. Yes, I am. lol. No one shares the same depression. Some can endure it better than others. Some can escape it, some cant. And I dislike people who tell me, well it could be worst I could be living in a rat infested house or a cave. Let me tell you something. I used to be poor. I used to sleep with the roaches, eat cereal for dinner. My life has never been worst than it is now. It just doesn't compare to the mental poverty. I dont care, rich or poor, if you dont have your mind you have nothing. I wish I could walk into a hospital right now and give a little 7 year old child with cancer my health and my life and hope he does a better job at it than me. I know why life is precious for some people, I know why they fight for it. Life can be beautiful for those with something to live for. I have nothing to live for.

 

I wish I could go back to the time I used to sleep 14 hours a day. My sister told me Im sleeping my life away. It was beautiful. lol. I loved it. Because I got a glimpse a death. Wasn't bad at all. Were all the same on the other side. No more pain. No more jealous feelings. No more hopeless feelings. No more feeling inferior. No more suffering. Nothing. I wont be fat. I wont be ugly. I wont be afraid anymore. They say when you die you cant carry it with you. Cant take anything with you. Thank God. Leave all the demons here. Ill finally be free.

 

Im not a bad person. Definitely not selfish. I just lost the endurance and resources to cope. Being me, its just, not worth it. Not interested. Maybe in another lifetime I can be something, maybe the formula will be a little better, maybe I can be handsome, or smart, or have a talent. When im around people I feel like a freak show animal. I cant live among the beautiful and the wealthy and the genetically superior. Cant survive in this world. Hate myself too much. Ive been dreaming about killing myself for years. Its a shame I have to wake up. Theyre the sweetest dreams ever.

[Princess777]

Greetings.

 

I know this isn't what you want to hear but I felt compelled to write anyway. Please, please get some professional counseling. I am not qualified to help you any more than that... I wish you very well.

[Coyote_the_trickster]

write, write what is on your mind, put your feelings, your emotion, and your sould into.

 

 

if you feel empty, show and express how.

 

if your drained, same thing

 

 

There is something that drives us, you just need to find your drive...

[under_the_pressure]

One of the replies said,

I know this isn't what you want to hear but I felt compelled to write anyway.

I'm sure you won't want to hear this but I'm sharing. By all means, you aren't alone. Maybe you should seek counseling, it helps me. And writing.

 

Sounds like your life sucks. And I wish I could help, I really do. The most I can offer you is a friend and someone to talk too. So if you want any of that, you can pm me. I wish I could do more, and take the pain away.

 

Welcome to the Site.

 

under*

[Indrap]

I've wanted to just go to sleep and die before. It gets better. Please get some kind of counseling. It can be better than this. It can. I swear.

[bnybrain]

Being tall dark and handsome would not have made a bit of difference. The only difference that can and will ever be enforced is your smile. Your laugher and your honesty. Frankly, you are lying to yourself and are simply not being honest. The truth is that you are a YOU. Can you try to tell me who that is again? But this time, with brute honesty. To get you started how about I start the list: Unselfish, caring, ....

 

You have not shamed anyone, if you don't believe me ask you mom yourself. Tell her how you feel, just as you had on this forum. Just watch as her love flows into your heart. It is an amazing gift to have a mother who cares and she does. Use some of that love to not feel worthless, but rather to feel worthy. Because that is what you are, worthy. Tell yourself this, tell yourself how great you are. As long as you think yourself worthless, you will be remotely unhappy. Don't cut yourself short by pointing a finger at yourself, instead embrace who you are and start out slow.

 

Perhaps part of your depression (in grand part due to your rape, dear) is your lack of physical attribution. Become a member of a Gym, if not for yourself do it in someone else's name (say it be the 7 year old boy you'd like to grant your life to). Your body will be healthy and it is clinically proven that exercise is a major contributing in escaping depression. DO THIS IF YOU ARE ALREADY NOT. Do not go to the gym because you think yourself to be "fat," but because you want to be "healthy."

 

Pull yourself out of this depression, as hard as it may sound. Take small steps if need be. But take steps. Don't focus on negative aspects in the world, focus on the good. If that is hard, do research. For every negative thing you believe in this world, try to find a postive doing accomplished.

 

Finally, laugh the honkiest laugh you can must! Take care of yourself.

 

Hannah

[Stinkweed]

hey man apart,

 

I do not read the suicide posts very often... but this one, after reading the first paragraph, I kept going, and saw so many things that I've also thought of... And well, maybe what you say is true about some people being more fit to live life than others, but it doesn't mean we will ever get a shot at being one of them... so, I know it's hard, because I have tried, but just try to smile at life so it can smile back at you... please, don't be so hard on yourself. And well, sometimes talking makes us feel a little better after we get all these things off of our chests... Therapists are of great help (my parents won't let me see one because they don't think I need one, but I think I most definitively do... lucky me...). I swear to God, that if I can't be fixed, then at least I pray for the others... Get out there and do exaclty what bnybrain said (I know I will...). I know it will help you big time...

 

Also, now that we're on the subject, how can you find that drive? I could use one just about now... Best wishes,

 

Elephant man.

 

"And God Bless you all" O

[thisisnotanexit]

hey man, i hate to hear that you're so down. but really, if you try to anaylze life, it's never really a good thing..i mean, it is what it is. it's short, and yeah there is a lot of bad in it. life is what you make of it. it sucks sometimes, but hey, we're here, so we might as well make the most of it. you're going to die one day anyway, so why rush it? i've been there, i know life can be plain awful..but i promise there is plenty of good to be found in it. just please be strong and see what it is has in store for you. it may not seem like much right now, but you never really know. if you ever want to talk, please msg me or something. take care man

 

If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this. It will only take about five minutes. I do not want to talk you out of your bad feelings. I am not a therapist or other mental health professional - only someone who knows what it is like to be in pain.

 

I don't know who you are, or why you are reading this page. I only know that for the moment, you're reading it, and that is good. I can assume that you are here because you are troubled and considering ending your life. If it were possible, I would prefer to be there with you at this moment, to sit with you and talk, face to face and heart to heart. But since that is not possible, we will have to make do with this.

 

I have known a lot of people who have wanted to kill themselves, so I have some small idea of what you might be feeling. I know that you might not be up to reading a long book, so I am going to keep this short. While we are together here for the next five minutes, I have five simple, practical things I would like to share with you. I won't argue with you about whether you should kill yourself. But I assume that if you are thinking about it, you feel pretty bad.

 

Well, you're still reading, and that's very good. I'd like to ask you to stay with me for the rest of this page. I hope it means that you're at least a tiny bit unsure, somewhere deep inside, about whether or not you really will end your life. Often people feel that, even in the deepest darkness of despair. Being unsure about dying is okay and normal. The fact that you are still alive at this minute means you are still a little bit unsure. It means that even while you want to die, at the same time some part of you still wants to live. So let's hang on to that, and keep going for a few more minutes.

 

 

 

Start by considering this statement:

 

"Suicide is not chosen; it happens

when pain exceeds

resources for coping with pain."

 

That's all it's about. You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed, because you feel suicidal. It doesn't even mean that you really want to die - it only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If I start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if I add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.

 

 

Don't accept it if someone tells you, "that's not enough to be suicidal about." There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.

 

When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.

 

You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: (1) find a way to reduce your pain, or (2) find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.

 

Now I want to tell you five things to think about.

 

 

1 You need to hear that people do get through this -- even people who feel as badly as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live. I hope that this information gives you some sense of hope.

 

2 Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, "I will wait 24 hours before I do anything." Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things - just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn't mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal action. Even if it's just 24 hours. You have already done it for 5 minutes, just by reading this page. You can do it for another 5 minutes by continuing to read this page. Keep going, and realize that while you still feel suicidal, you are not, at this moment, acting on it. That is very encouraging to me, and I hope it is to you.

 

3 People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.

 

4 Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.

 

But there are people out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. Find one of them. Now. Use your 24 hours, or your week, and tell someone what's going on with you. It is okay to ask for help. Try:

 

Send an anonymous e-mail to The Samaritans

Call 1-800-SUICIDE in the U.S.

Teenagers, call Covenant House NineLine, 1-800-999-9999

Look in the front of your phone book for a crisis line

Call a psychotherapist

Carefully choose a friend or a minister or rabbi, someone who is likely to listen

But don't give yourself the additional burden of trying to deal with this alone. Just talking about how you got to where you are, releases an awful lot of the pressure, and it might be just the additional coping resource you need to regain your balance.

 

5 Suicidal feelings are, in and of themselves, traumatic. After they subside, you need to continue caring for yourself. Therapy is a really good idea. So are the various self-help groups available both in your community and on the Internet.

 

 

Well, it's been a few minutes and you're still with me. I'm really glad.

 

Since you have made it this far, you deserve a reward. I think you should reward yourself by giving yourself a gift. The gift you will give yourself is a coping resource. Remember, back up near the top of the page, I said that the idea is to make sure you have more coping resources than you have pain. So let's give you another coping resource, or two, or ten...! until they outnumber your sources of pain.

 

 

Now, while this page may have given you some small relief, the best coping resource we can give you is another human being to talk with. If you find someone who wants to listen, and tell them how you are feeling and how you got to this point, you will have increased your coping resources by one. Hopefully the first person you choose won't be the last. There are a lot of people out there who really want to hear from you. It's time to start looking around for one of them.

 

Now: I'd like you to call someone.

 

And while you're at it, you can still stay with me for a bit. Check out these sources of online help.

 

link removed

to see the rest.

[Man Apart]

You know the thing that makes me sad after I read all the replies. Seeing 18, 14, and 16. The ages of some of you. I think teenagers go through alot. Thats why teen suicide is so high. People your ages should be nowhere near a suicide forum. Havent even scratched life's surface and already cant bear living.

 

Since I was 19 Ive had 13 different psychiatrist, rotated between 4 different mental health centers, been on every medication known to man. Im depressed, yes. Crazy, no. Its just like being in a unhappy relationship. Trying to force yourself through it everyday, even though your not happy. Im married to this unnatural, abnormal, miserable life. All I want is a divorce, so I can be happy.

 

Not living in this skin would have made every bit of difference. Thats just the truth. I look back on my life and ask myself, why was I abused so much, why did noone like me. Its apparent, and I dont even know it you can place blame anywhere. Its just the law of the land. A gym is the last place a depressed person want to be. Been there done that. Used to be 314lbs. I dedicated a year of my life to lose 100lbs. Got down to 198lbs, a number ill probably never see again. lol. Right now im around 235lbs. But when I was 198lbs I wanted to believe it would make me happier, noone could ever call me fat, maybe I could feel normal again. Weight wasnt the answer. Cant escape my own face. Your right, were all going to die one day anyway. I just want to skip the pain and suffering inbetween. No need to copy and past from the suicide website, ive been there many times, suicide hotline people sound like theyre reading from a script. Its just a job. I dont want to post anymore, for the sake of any young person on this board. Im a very negative, cynical and hopeless human being. Its over for me. Some of you are half my age. Yeah I know what being a teenager is like. My school could have been a juvenile prison. I can understand your feelings. But even I have to tell you, its way too young for you to want to die. Your not even finished growing. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. Your bones arent the only thing that gets bigger and grows stronger. Your mind does as well.

[i_hate_the_world47]

Well,i think you should seek counseling.It will help you talk out your feelings.Also,qriting out your feelings will help as well.I hope things begin to look up for you.If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to email me.good luck.

 

~Meagan~

[lonly112000]

im like you man i feel like if i had a chance to make somthin of my self i could but i aint never had a chance and well im just tired of tryin to get one i mean all these people get these chances and then they throw them away and im thinkin why not let me have one im just givvin in its so much easier like suicide has become just part of my life i mean yeh i got no friends but after a while you get used to the voices in your head and i just let them say what they have to and like when this evil inside me takes over i try to end my life not that i want to but its not somthin i can control so i just let it happen

 

I dont know that this helped but hey your jnot alone.

 

charlie

[hazlcha]

I agree with the counseling suggestions, but here's my personal feeling from reading your very sensitive post.

 

Mother ... You would be so happier if I was not here. If I was never born.

 

Wrong. You know it. You even say,

And when im gone, her life will probably be destroyed.

 

Helps to be handsome or beautiful. Helps to be smart or talented. I have none of those, so Ill never see a day of blissfulness.

 

Wrong again. Victor Frank, great psychologist, survivor of a hell called Aushchwitz, says:

We don't ask what the meaning of life is, rather it is life that asks us what our maening is.

Handsome, rich, whatever. The way to bliss is to discover your specific meaning in life. Everyone, with no exceptions, has one. Not as you write,

Theres nothing in life that could really make me happy.

 

Here's an idea.

I wish I could walk into a hospital right now and give a little 7 year old child with cancer my health and my life and hope he does a better job at it than me.

Not literally, but look at what you wrote! You prove here that you are a deeply sensitive, DEEPLY CARING INDIVIDUAL! That is very exciting news, because so many people are so self-absorbed. You remind me of a great hero - Babe Ruth. The Babe would show up at a local hospital before the game and tell little Tommy that he was gonna hit a home run for him. Being the Babe, he always did. So you're not a pro ball player, but you've got a LOT of love inside you.

 

I suggest you share some of it with others, and first and foremost, with yourself. Not just in feeling and thought, but in doing things to show your respect for yourself.

Get to a counselor.

Start to lose weight with exercising (even taking a 40 minute walk evry other day is a beginning)

Volunteer in a hospital.

Take an EMT course.

Straighten out just one aspect of your life.

 

I cant live among the ... genetically superior.

I don't know what you mean by this. Genetically superior?! No such bird, my friend. Please allow yourself to love yourself. Change the way you talk to yourself. One step at a time.

Try these lines -

Im not a bad person. Definitely not selfish.

Right on!