Me trying to persuade someone to live is like the blind leading the blind. Despite the hypocrisy, I try sometimes, because I see things in people they cant see in themselves. I know who has hope and who is hopeless, like me. Someone told me Id be a decent psychiatrist. What better qualification to treat the mentally ill than being mentally ill yourself. Or once was.
Im sad for my parents. Ive hurt them. Still hurting them. Cant bare looking into their faces anymore. They dont even treat me normal anymore. My mother acts like a nurse. Always wants me to keep the door unlock or open. I look at her sometimes, and just say things in my mind I can never tell her face to face. Mother im sorry Ive failed you. Im sorry for not being stronger. Im sorry for all the times Ive hurt you. I love you so much. You would be so happier if I was not here. If I was never born. I always imagine what if you was fortunate enough to have had a miscarriage, how great your life would be, without the burden of raising a disgraceful human being. Im responsible for her misery. And when im gone, her life will probably be destroyed. Because she will spend the rest of her years blaming herself for someone she could not save.
Im 26 years old. I dont know if im mentally ill or not. I must be right. I guess. I know im sad. A very sad miserable person. I woke up one day and I looked at the world and I looked in the mirror and realized, I want no part of this. That I cant escape the fear, the abuse, the depression, the anxiety, the chills I feel every night, the envy I have, the hate, the bitterness, the suffering. What happens to you when you question your existence. When you question God. What happens when you dont fall in line. When your not interested in waking up everyday being a slave, to life, to this world. Dont get me wrong, life can be blissful for many. Its helps to have money. Helps to be handsome or beautiful. Helps to be smart or talented. I have none of those, so Ill never see a day of blissfulness. So I ask why bother. Has nothing to do with will power, or determination, or etc. Its genetic. Some people give birth to the perfect formulated child for life. Some people give birth to living nightmares. I notice it every time I went to a group session. Everyone wondered why the beautiful young girl in the corner was in the same room with us. You got one of the superpowers of life, get out of here.
I live in a world full of predators. We kill each other physically, mentally, socially, we kill each others self esteem and self worth. I was raped by a male teacher when I was 11 years old 3 separate occasions. It doesn't compare to how much I was raped mentally and emotionally for years. I stop blaming myself for what I am. Its not my fault the way the world sees me, and reacts to me. The world is what it is. I cant change it. If I was tall dark and handsome Im pretty sure I wouldn't have had to be beating daily and abused daily. I dont blame children and teenagers. They are innocent. Because they are oblivious to the amount of cruelty they are capable of. I guess I understand. Its human nature. I was repulsive little fat kid. Still am.
Theres nothing in life that could really make me happy. Which is scary. I did all I could. Its inescapable. For me. You know the big word that gets thrown at me is being selfish. It would be selfish of me to leave my loved ones, hurt them. Maybe. But then again, they dont wear my shoes. I cant make them understand. Wouldn't it be selfish for you to ask someone to continue suffering. I dont know. My grandfather needed to have his leg amputated or they told him he would die. He said no, I want my leg, Its my decision, Ill just have to die. He died shortly after I graduated from high school. I found nothing selfish about it. He just got tired of suffering. Had nothing to do with the love he had for his wife and family.
Just dont understand this place. My mind took a turn for the worst at some point. When I realized why I was so different. I realized I was the worst possible formula for this world. For society. If I got to see the world before I was born, I wouldn't have got on this ride. But you cant. Its funny, your born, 20 years later you realize, you really wish you weren't here. But its wrong to think that way. Selfish remember. They call ya ill if you do. Its not about life's problems. I am the problem. There was a girl in group session that asked me, why am I still here? I told her because 26 years ago my Mom and dad made a bad idea to have unprotected sex and 45 trazadone pills didn't do much but give me the worst stomach ache ever and make me really drowsy. Oh and theres a girl. Always a girl right. I realized she was only prolonging my dreaded life. A prolonged life is more tragic than a prolonged death. I thought love would change me. Change my life. Maybe it will or wont. Ill never know. All I know, is that I dont want to look into her eyes 2-3 years from now, telling her how sorry i am that ive failed her too.
I dislike people who tell me im not alone. Yes, I am. lol. No one shares the same depression. Some can endure it better than others. Some can escape it, some cant. And I dislike people who tell me, well it could be worst I could be living in a rat infested house or a cave. Let me tell you something. I used to be poor. I used to sleep with the roaches, eat cereal for dinner. My life has never been worst than it is now. It just doesn't compare to the mental poverty. I dont care, rich or poor, if you dont have your mind you have nothing. I wish I could walk into a hospital right now and give a little 7 year old child with cancer my health and my life and hope he does a better job at it than me. I know why life is precious for some people, I know why they fight for it. Life can be beautiful for those with something to live for. I have nothing to live for.
I wish I could go back to the time I used to sleep 14 hours a day. My sister told me Im sleeping my life away. It was beautiful. lol. I loved it. Because I got a glimpse a death. Wasn't bad at all. Were all the same on the other side. No more pain. No more jealous feelings. No more hopeless feelings. No more feeling inferior. No more suffering. Nothing. I wont be fat. I wont be ugly. I wont be afraid anymore. They say when you die you cant carry it with you. Cant take anything with you. Thank God. Leave all the demons here. Ill finally be free.
Im not a bad person. Definitely not selfish. I just lost the endurance and resources to cope. Being me, its just, not worth it. Not interested. Maybe in another lifetime I can be something, maybe the formula will be a little better, maybe I can be handsome, or smart, or have a talent. When im around people I feel like a freak show animal. I cant live among the beautiful and the wealthy and the genetically superior. Cant survive in this world. Hate myself too much. Ive been dreaming about killing myself for years. Its a shame I have to wake up. Theyre the sweetest dreams ever.
