Going to try staying friends for a while.... any advice

[AmikeA]

Ok so some people ay or may not have read my other post, it doesnt matter.

 

I recently went through a break up which was very hard on me, not because bad stuff happened. But because of the way things ended. She feels she is not ready for a relationship and has more growing up to do before she is. I was a dick and told her it wouldn't be possible for us to be friends, mostly because I was angry at the way she felt. I have come to realise that there is a future here and that I truly care for this girl. I am willing to wait for her too be ready for a relationship and then try this again. In the meantime I wan't too stay close friends with her and be there for her when/if she needs me.

 

I feel I am doing the right thing because the more I think of this the better I feel about the whole situation. This seems so right too me and I only hope she feels the same way. She told me she didn't want me to miss out on other opertunities while waiting for her to be ready, but I feel I really finally found someone special and there are little odds of finding another person like this in the next year or so.

 

So am I thinking straight finally or just fooling myself into having false hope to stop the pain? That is the question I have been asking myself and again I truly believe this is the right decision for me.

[mtastic]

I think its possible to be friends, but be careful. I recommend you put some distance between the two of you for the time being, keep it to fairly limited contact, until you can get comfortable with the idea of her not coming back to a romantic realtionship. I'm not saying you wn't ever get back together, but you should keep that possibility in mind, or else it only has potential to result in disappointment. When my ex broke up with me, she said she wanted to remain friends, it in retrospect it seems like she actually did, but i was not ready for "just friends," and i took it more as a way to keep her around and win her back. This only led to more disappointment on my part, as I was continually clingy and emotional, and just wound up pushing her further away. Also, be ready for her to start going out with someone else, from the way you described it, it seems likeshe's confused about what she wants, so she may start dating others just to see whats out there. You can maintain a friendship, but you both need to be able to handle it.

 

Hope that helped,

mtastic

[Celadon]

Hi AmikeA. Well, if you feel peace with what you've decided, that's good. Could this be false hope? Er, yes, it could - but if it is, it's totally part of the breaking up process. I'm pretty sure I had some similar thoughts, but mine were along the lines of "since we were each other's best friend for so long, we might as well stay friends." That was fine, for awhile.

 

The only part about your situation that I am concerned about is that your ex told you not to miss out on other opportunities. Only you know the answer to this, but is she actually telling to move on? If I were really into a guy, but not ready, I'm not sure I'd tell him to go out with other women. But then, maybe your ex is more selfless than me.

 

OTOH, when someone is not ready for a relationship, I don't think they know when they'll be ready. They're still exploring, etc.

 

It's entirely up to you if you want to wait a year for her. I would just advise you be willing to accept that she may not return to you. If you can truly allow her to be her own person and make her own decisions (which may or may not include you), then I'd say you are in a healthy state.

 

Hope some of this helps.

[AmikeA]

I think probably the best way of going about this is to lay down some ground rules, Limiting contact is a very good idea. I think hanging out like twice a month should be good, we could even hang out with other friends at first as we do have mutual friends. Also limiting frequency and length of phonecalls will be key.

 

I have no reason to believe she is not being honest with me, one of the best things about our relationship was the honesty we had and our ability to talk things out, if she needs time away from a relationship situation I can deal with that. In reality I think that would be best for me right now as well. I always felt during our relationship that if things had gone differently at the beginning that we could have been best friends instead of a couple.

[JT]

To be honest it already sounds like you have a lot of feelings for this girl and to be around her at this point is going to be very hard on you. Its going to "stunt your growth." She's giving you false hope indeed, keeping you on the sidelines while she does her thing. Why put yourself through the torture. You know its going to be hard and deep down you know its not good for you. Why would you wait for someone who told you to take a hike. Be nice to her when you see her but dont be friends with her. Classic example of "right person wrong time." It sucks, get over it, move on. You'll be glad you did.

[AmikeA]

OK i finally talked to her and I feel so much better know. I got to appoligise for the way I reacted to what she told me. I told her I realise now that this is for the best. Then I suggested that we just be friends, but to keep things from getting weird we limit contact with each other. I also appoligised for telling her at first that it would be impossible for us to remain friends, she told me that when I said that it really hurt her. I also said that when she is ready to try a relationship again I will try to be there, but can't guarantee anything. And that even if our feelings for eachother change we will always have the friendship.

 

 

I really feel so much better now. I am glad with the way things are now. Maybe one day things will work out for us, but for now I have gained a friend.

[Celadon]

Good for you, AmikeA. Thanks for letting us know!