Blech, regression.

[diariescs]

Back to Day 0 because stupid me left, of all things, my passport in his house. Went over there, was soft and civil, searched for it, then right before leaving with my dignity intact, I made the mistake of turning around, making the bastard face me, and hugging him. In front of his best friend.

 

* * * * .

 

I was crying after that, in the car, to my best friend, but now I'm better (again). Just angry that I was that stupid, for forgetting my passport of all things, knowing that I needed it first thing tomorrow morning. But mostly angry at him (and I think that helps, too), because, after years of swallowing so much crap for the sake of the relationship; after pulling my walls down because, hey, I just wanted to be real with the person I've been with forever; after forgiving so many stupid lies, and enduring mediocre-to-terrible sex, he felt he could end the relationship because I didn't love him enough to tell him he's worth doing chores for on the week of my Board exams. If this was happening to a friend of mine, I'd say, "What an * * * * * * * ! Honey, you're an idiot for staying with him. This is good for you. You deserve SO much better." So, yup, that's what I'm telling myself. I was such an idiot. I am aware this is oxytocin at its most potent, in addition to three years worth of memories. I just gotta apply that knowledge now.

 

In dire need of support,

C.S.

[nrb]

time is your friend now...difficult to comprehend right now, but you should let time take over. Best wishes and remember that life is too short for accepting less thanb we deserve.

[Bluezilla]

Hug coming your way!

[BellaDonna]

I'm sorry you had to see him again, but I hope that since you needed your passport, that means you are going to travel somewhere fun. It sounds like you could use some time away and to see different parts of the world to realize just how big and vast the world is and that there are a lot more opportunities out there and chances to meet someone who treats you well.

[diariescs]

So this is getting ridiculous.

 

Today, I passed my Boards. However, I was contacted by my (previous) landlord to inform me that I cannot leave the property, nor pass responsibility of payments to him. I simply lost it; I was so sick of dealing with the uncertainties of what we're going to do with our stuff. I contacted him, with as much dignity as I could muster, and he dutifully informed me that he will take care of everything, including sending me the rest of my things.

 

He said the same thing I was thinking, which was that we were simply not meant to be and are different on fundamental levels. Despite the fact that I knew this to be the truth, and have known it for a long time, it still hurt me terribly to hear all of it come out of his mouth. I cried, but assured him that I was not making an attempt to get back together. I was just sad. Everything hurt (I didn't tell him that, but I wasn't lying about it either.). I am not willing to change for him, to become the housewife he wanted, but the fact that he had accepted that already-- it hurt. So bad. It hurt to hear him want to get off the phone. Yes, I did say, "Please, can we keep talking?" and he refused, saying it had been really difficult for him, and he couldn't. For an hour or so, that refusal twisted the knife deeper into my chest.

 

And then my father came to speak with me. I told him exactly what happened, and that "I guess it hurts because all my pride is gone. I asked him to stay on the phone." He shook his head and said that was not at all a bad thing. That it was normal to have the feeling of wanting to stretch out the goodbye. He said I was the stronger one for dealing with this (initiating the talk). It had to be done eventually. With all this unfinished business, I knew I couldn't move on.

 

Later, while I was sitting alone, I realized that, for me, that was the last stretch, my final moment that, and, no, I did not fail. In fact, I passed. I passed with flying colors. I was true to myself, honest to the very core, and now I have no questions that need answering. Yes, it hurt. One more shot at my pride, thanks to my need for the comfort of the familiar. But at the same time, if I hadn't done that, if I hadn't asked, I would still be wondering what would happen if I did not cling to pride. If, maybe.. if I gave just a little bit more, it would have gotten better. I know myself enough to know that that question would have impeded my recovery for at least two weeks. I would always be wondering what could have been if I wasn't playing the Ice Queen role.

 

At the end of the day, our three years together meant more to me than a power struggle. It deserved that little whispered request, even though it was refused. Now, I know my answer, and I can start the healing process finally.

 

I know a lot of people here cleave to the Rules, or at least advocate pretending to be perfectly okay until you finally are. I know that it works for many. But I am too afraid of it, and too hurt at the moment, maybe. Honestly, I've been hurting so much these past few days that I searched the Rules out, knowing that if I had followed it, I wouldn't be in so much pain. However, that thought stemmed from defensive anger, something I had been so full of years ago over everything in my life, something I struggled very hard to let go of so that I could finally be happy. I worked hard to be strong enough to leave my walls, and I don't know if it would be right for me to return to them again.

 

I just want peace now, and I don't know how much peace I can have if I duty-date and pretend I am not interested. A friend of mine (who is very Rulesy without knowing it; who I actually told I envied) told me, "You are such a rare person. You are so open; you always met him halfway. You always tried to understand him. We all knew he wasn't appreciating what he had, that he was taking you forgranted and that he was going to lose you. I know you want to change that right now, but your openness, your sweet trust, makes you so special. It gave you the opportunity to be happy. And you were. You were very happy. He just didn't appreciate you, and he wasn't. It was never your fault. So if you want to change, then do it. But don't, if you're only doing it out of fear." Hearing that gave me more peace than the idea of duty-dating or concealing my true feelings to keep my pride intact.

 

I am who I am. And I had this thing with a boy for three years. If I must grieve that loss to the fullest in order to regain my old, happy, trusting self, then I will. I have to believe in love and fairy tales. I know it makes you cringe, but I can't not. I will love again, and it will be glorious. That is who I am: a healthcare professional who believes in fairy tales. I just have to make sure I pick the right prince to sweep me off my feet.

[diariescs]

Double post, sorry. But I have to add this.

 

---

 

After writing that post, I received a message from him, saying that if I want to keep using my cell phone line (under his name), I can. That, again, he didn't hate me. That this is hard to face. That he will be packing my things and bringing them to me on Thursday. This just strengthened the sense of precarious peace I have been feeling, as I had been worried that the long days ahead would be made even more painful by the dread of not knowing if today would be the day I would see boxes piled at my doorstep.

 

I responded with honesty: that I already signed a new contract the day after he cut my line off, but I would really appreciate it if he released my number. That this was hard, but it was for the best. That he would find someone who could be that person that he needs, that she will be a great housewife to him one day. I told him I didn't hate him either. That I have no idea how to file the last three years. He was my bestfriend and he is in everything, but we were not meant to be, and we must find our own paths now. I ended it with "Thank you."

 

And that felt more liberating to me, than anything has in the past few days, including the countless crying and the struggle to thread together the pieces of my pride. There were no more tears, no more pain, if only for that moment, and I know it was because I know I've done everything possible, including being truly honest with myself and braving the blow without shields in hand. Don't get me wrong, I know that honesty and presenting that kind of vulnerability does not always work. Not everyone is like my ex, and I know he wasn't doing it on purpose, but his firm resolve to be civil (in the end), while showing some hints of how much he too was hurting, without succumbing to the urge to return to a dysfunctional relationship, allowed me to grasp a semblance of my old self, before this entire breakup. I was secure in my choice to be the most trusting, most emotionally honest version of myself, and that was what allowed happiness to saturate my life. I loved freely, and there was nothing wrong with that, up until I neglected the love I had for myself and allowed his desires to come before my needs. In the end, I was taken forgranted because I took myself for granted. I see it so clearly now, which is probably why I'm writing it here before I forget it again tomorrow. That is what I must strive for now: to love myself again.

 

And for my first act of self-love, let me just say: congratulations to me for passing the test that will elevate me from graduate nurse to registered nurse, whoo!

[FreedomRing]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!

 

So sorry you've had to endure going through a break-up during such a high pressure time of your life. I am going thru something similar myself, and have my licensure exams in 3 weeks! I hope to be sitting on the other side as you Know that your determination and focus is inspiring, even in your darkest hour!

[Bluezilla]

Congratulations!!!

[diariescs]

Lesson: in the future, sharing responsibility for legalities should be saved till after marriage.

 

I am so over this, and want to keep being over it. I'm sure this back and forth isn't helping my healing process any. I already feel the urge to just bang my head against a wall. The day began with me feeling the aggravation on his part, but I did not reciprocate. I remained civil and as business-like as possible. I think I handled it well. Tell me this was okay.

 

This is a transcript of our text message/s from this morning till a few minutes ago:

 

Him: You and I would have to pay 200 dollars to get that number ,or you can take over the line and pay 10 dollars more per month.

Me: I'll take over.

(I was still half asleep. Mind changes within two seconds.)

Me: You know what, I don't really want it anymore. So do what you want to do with it. Sorry for the inconvenience and thanks anyway.

Him: Nice

Him: did you keep the phone, or do you have a new one

(At this point, I decided no response is necessary anymore. One hour later, our landlord calls me about the property.)

One hour later. After leaving a message.

Me: I also want to add that although I do not want to be on the lease, according to Ms. Lopez, removing me would constitute a break of the lease which means a new lease would have to be drawn up and possibly losing money from your deposit. New walkthroughs, new payments, etcetera. I want to keep my end of the lease and just pay a monthly payment to you or Ms. Lopez even if I am not living at the property. It is the simplest solution I can see. please let me know how much you want from me monthly. Like I said on the message, i will pay you the remainder of what you had/have to pay for my phone since I paid for the down payment. $15x24=360. You will receive the money before the end of the month.

Him: All that is left on your cell phone payment is $255. I asked and you can pay for it however you want through Tmobile. Just call them. With the landlords, I'll call them and explain that we are both going to be responsible for the payments, but you don't need to pay anything in any way, ok?

Him (five minutes later): You don't have to pay anything because you aren't using it. I think it would be evil of me if I made you pay for anything to do with the place, so I won't do that.

Me So the decision is I will remain on the lease by name only, is that correct? If you prefer differently in the future, just let me know and we can discuss payments. I will also be contacting Ms. Lopez with our decision. I had already spoken to her at length and she warned me that I just have to be aware that i will still be legally responsible, even if I am not living there. I am perfectly okay with that, if you are.

Him: I am and thank you for staying on the lease. I know that can be stressful. Also tell her that I will be the one answering her concerns from now on after you have spoken to her.

Me: I spoke with her and told her that concerns would have to be directed to you. She stated once again that that is not feasible because as far as they are aware, our business agreement has both of us as responsible for the property. That being said, for every correspondence she gives me, i will assume that she given it to you as well and will ignore it unless you express me tell me I have to deal with it.

Him: Just forward all concerns she emails you to me and I'll take care of it. but other than that, you are good.

(I don't respond).

Him: What great sticklers

(Again, did not respond response.)

Him: How did your test go?

Me: Omg, I know right! I passed.

Him: Awesome, I knew you would. I'm glad.

 

At this point, I decided that no more responses are necessary. I am very happy with how this turned out. I feel like I have regained control by remaining as business-like as possible without hinting at how difficult this was for me. And frankly, it wasn't that difficult. It felt like a transactional exchange, like I was simply interacting with a professional acquaintance. And I ended the conversation when the perfect moment presented itself, ie, when we've reached a lighter tone after having discussed everything that needed to be addressed. If he wanted to conversation to go on, he would have asked another question. He didn't want to, and, amazingly, neither did I. I recognized that at that moment, there was nothing else that needed to be said, and I didn't squeeze more out of it, which probably would have led to awkwardness or worse. Again, I feel like I handled this well. The craziness has finally passed. Now I only have Thursday to dread. I am very afraid of it, but it's a long way from now. Day by day, moment by moment. I am already out of this. These are just necessities that need to be addressed, and that is what I'll do.

 

All of yesterday, I was unable to celebrate my accomplishment. I just kept crying. Today, I feel so much better. There is still a heaviness in my chest, but it's bearable now, and I have so much self-loving to look forward to. Next order of business, lunch and helping my friend study for her own NCLEX.