is the next move mine?-this is long one, sorry

[learning1]

Hello,

I am new to this board and like many of you I am seeking advice. I am 28 years old and have almost zero sexual experience. I never dated in high school or in college. After college I met an older man who was impotent and so not a lot of sex for me there, but still I dated him for a long time. Recently, I met this wonderful guy and we dated for a couple of months until I screwed things up. We had sex a couple of times and I made sure that he knew about my lack of experience-he was very understanding, gentle and patient. After we would have sex I would become somewhat withdrawn and not want to be touched when he would want to hold me. He would ask what was wrong and I would tell him that I felt sexually inadequate for him and then he would say comforting things to me and then I would get over it and cuddle with him. One night though I could not stop thinking that I was bad in bed and that I couldn't understand why he was with me when there were so many beautiful women out there who knew what they were doing sexually. It got the best of me and so right after we had sex and suggested that maybe we shouldn't see each other any more. I kept going on and on trying to explain how I felt about this issue and he tried to stop me from going on about it but I kept going. I told him then that I still wanted to see him if he still wanted to see me and that I wished that I didn't think like I did. Anyway, the next day he told me that seeing me wasn't a good idea because he didn't think that I was going to stop thinking and saying those things. I couldn't blame him at all-if I had been him I would have done the same. For a few weeks after that he seemed miserable and I was miserable too although I made it a point not to show it. Anyway, we are still friends. When he sees me at school he always comes up and talks to me or sits with me if time permits. I have invited him to go out with me and my friends and we have a good time. The last time we went out a rather tipsy younger male friend of mine who thinks the world of this guy cornered him and was telling him that we would be happier together and the reason we broke up was really stupid. My friend kept pestering him the whole night off an on and I felt so bad about it, but this guy told me not to get upset with my friend since my friend was only acting out of concern. My friend eventually cornered this guy and me and started telling us both the same thing and this guy would look at me when he was agreeing with my friend's statements about us being happier together and etc.. This guy saw me give a goodnight kiss on the cheek to my friend and so later on when I drove this guy to his vehicle he gave me a quick kiss goodnight on the cheek-so it probably was just friendly. What should I do? Is there any chance for me? What's going on here? Please if you have made it this far then give me some candid advice and opinions.

 

=== ADDED FROM "Also let me add me" ===

(removed the original topic - SwingFox)

 

Yes, I know that I had some serious issues and have had them for some time. I have been working through them these last couple of months and I have come to agree with this guy 100% when he told me that I was worth being with for a lot of reasons and that I deserve to be loved and in a good caring relationship. It took a lot of time and thinking and mistakes to get to this point, but I feel that now I am ready for a relationship. I just want to know if you think that I should talk to this guy about a second chance or not.

[Ashland71]

It sounds to me like you still have strong feelings for this man. Maybe you should just tell him how you really feel. That you miss him and you are sorry that you let your doubts get the best of you. It is easy to get scared when you have something you are afraid you dont deserve. All the other options just looked better and that made you need constant reassurance that never really reassured you. It is hard to feel like someone really does like us just for being us and your doubts seem to shake his confidence. You provided convincing arguments why he shouldnt want to be with you. Perhaps you did focus too much on the negative and that is easy to do. Solution: I wish I had the answer, but I dont. I think maybe reading some articles about positive self image and self esteem might help. Face the fact that you arent superwoman, but you might still be just what he wants. Hope this helps. Wishing you all the best of luck!

[SwingFox]

Hi Learning1,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us with your questions. I am sorry to hear all that you have gone through. It has been a bad time for you, I am sure. Ashland said she didn't have any solution, where she actually did have very good points. My compliments, Ashland, well done!!

 

It's time to make a change, Learning. How? Find out by exploring yourself? Find out what pleases you and what doesn't please you. You like to be touched? You like to be kissed in your neck? Find answers!! Think again! This guy loved you, no matter what. If he did and he was satisfied, are you sure your incompetent? I wouldn't say so!

 

I think the combination of those two ideas should help you through. Ashland made a good comment: talk to the guy and see how he still feels. You didn't actually cheat on him. All that happened was you having self esteem. I am sure that if you explain that to the guy, you're over halfways.

 

Go out there and make a difference ... I know you can do it!! I wish you good luck and lots of strength to pull this through.

 

~ SwingFox ~