I should KNOW by now with this girl, shouldn't I?

[Timbone]

I've been dating my girlfriend for about a year and a half now, and she's been living with me for half that time. I love her and care about her, she's been great to me and wants to pay her fair share of the expenses, understands my failings and quirks, a lot of good things. But I've been shying away from her lately, developing a wandering eye. I should know by now and from living with her if I want t get married to her, and start a family, shouldn't I?

 

I keep wondering if there could be someone better for me out there, someone more prone to wanting children and isn't terrified of childbirth, someone more social, someone who I can go to the movies with and not wonder when she's going to start hating being there. I'm getting older (37) and want to have a family someday, but I don't know if she's the girl to do it with.

 

I should have a better feeling than this about her if we're really meant to be together, shouldn't I? I shouldn't want to date other women if I feel she's the girl for me, should I?

[Stay_home]

Those are very crucial things that sound as if are missing from your relationship. If that's the case, then I think you may have already discovered your answer to that question.

[TheJester]

There's a difference between being in love, and loving an idea.

 

Either she has what you want in a person, or you're compromising for less and watching time tick by. Only you know which one it is because you know your personal taste.

 

With 7 Billion people on this planet, there's really no need to settle for anything less. So pay attention to what you want before you pledge your life to someone. It will save everyone a huge headache.

[LoveSoDeep]

Honestly I would say yes. If she was the one you would probably know by now and not have this "what if there's someone better" thought popping up.

 

You can have kids anytime so age shouldn't be a factor for you but if you feel like you're asting time soon you will start to resent her. Don't let it get to that.

[Moontiger]

Based on what you have written here I am not sure if she just isn't the right person for you or if you have developed GIGS.

 

Sit down and make a list of your deal-breaks, the four or five things the person you end up with must have (such as wanting to have children). If you find there are some she does not meet, I would sit down with her and have an open and honest discussion about it. If the two of you cannot agree on these big issues then it is best to break up.

[Timbone]

My, you guys are fast with the replies. Thanks for that.

 

I think part of my being gun-shy about all this is I was married before, and I don't want this to turn into that. I don't think I have more than one more marriage in me (wish it would have only BEEN one, but ah well). Part of me sees certain similarities with the ex-wife in the girlfriend, and that worries me. Maybe too much, hard to say.

[Timbone]

Moontiger - GIGS? I think I know what this is an acronym for, but want to be sure...

 

List idea, huh... Have to ponder this some.

[Moontiger]

Grass Is Greener Syndrome. She sounds like she has a lot of positive qualities which is why I am not sure if you guys just are not compatible or if you are a victim of GIGS.

[Moontiger]

Think about things like: Having Children, Drug Use, Religion, Financial Responsibility, and other big topics. My Big List includes: 1) No drug use 2) Not extremely religious 3) Not Controlling 4) Loyal and Honest (no cheating) 5) Sense of humor.

[JT4266]

I was recently in a similar situation, a 2 year relationship, lived together for a few months and was never quite sure. It seemed like everything was there for the relationship but there was something missing. I ended up hurting her, if you look at my posts you can read if interested, but the bottom line is you should know.

 

Its easy to let time go by if everything is good but your doing yourself and her a disservice. Take some time and think about it.

[Timbone]

Ah, GIGS, I see it now. Thanks for that. I wonder if that's what my issue is. I could be looking for perfection, when I know that doesn't exist... but there should be someone out there that's perfect for me, I would think. I just don't know if my current GF is it.

 

My list is similar now that I see yours, Moon. She broke the #1 in the past, but not during my time with her. She's not controlling, but slightly clingy.

 

JT - that's a good way to describe how things are, something is just missing. The social anxiety she has is somewhat bothersome, I don't feel comfortable taking her to friends' places or parties, or family gatherings. I just worry about her at them while she's trying to work through things. I feel bad saying that is an issue, because it's a condition she can't help, but I don't know if I can deal with it long-term, even when I'm not SuperSocialMan all the time either...

[Moontiger]

My current BF has done drugs in the past. When we first started dating he was still smoking pot about twice a year. I talked to him about it and he told me that because I feel so strongly about it he will certainly think twice before ever doing it again. I should probably add that to my list, "Able to listen and communicate". Be very careful and consider if this is GIGS or if you just don't "Love" her.

 

Take sometime to think things over and then make your choice.

[offplanet]

You should listen to your heart, not your head, in this matter. Sure, she has good qualities, but you have serious doubts about her, and you should listen to those. Don't continue with her because you think you 'should'. It's not about 'should'. It's about what makes you happy. It will be bad for both of you if you stay with her for the wrong reasons. You already know what it's like living with her, and you're feeling this way already, so why tie yourself down to her forever?? I don't really go for the list of pro's and con's idea, because it shouldn't be a 'head' decision. Your heart has to be in it, for it to work.

[Timbone]

Thank you guys again for your advice and ideas.

 

My gf (like all women, I suppose) is incredibly perceptive. She can gauge my moods really well, and when she thinks I'm not giving her the whole story, it really bothers her - so much so that she has dreams about it. That's what started my question - she asked me if I still wanted to be with her.

 

So after reading this and thinking, we talked (and cried), and I told her the issues that I have and that are causing me to pull away. She asked for a second chance, saying that now that she knows what the issues are, she should have time to address them and make changes - I was thinking that this kind of route wouldn't be possible, as how can someone really change their personality? But she maintains that the issues I have are things that she has wanted to correct, or that I was blowing them out of proportion (which some I could have been) and that I shouldn't be overly concerned with her every little feeling and opinion.

 

So, right now we're going on together, hopefully as better people that will communicate more and grow a bit.

 

She's really wonderful, and always puts me first, so hopefully these proposed tweaks to her sociability and my new willingness to throw her in the social deep end and let her fend for herself will improve our relationship.

 

Thanks again for your help, all. Much appreciated.