fiancee and coworker

[caliboy]

I'm not sure if I'm worrying about nothing and being immature or not. Here's the situation...

 

My girlfriend and I got engaged. She got in touch with a coworker of hers who told her about a wedding photographer they had used and my fiance likes and wants to use now. So her and him have been talking more often lately throughtout the day about whatever - non-work things. Apparently he's moving and leaving their job in 6 months and she said she's going to be kind of bummed about that. He invited her and I to his (and his wife's) house warming party (I've never met this guy). For some reason, I felt like there was something going on and I acted a little jealous. She says he's a really nice guy and stuff and that she's doing nothing wrong.

 

I guess I'm just not use to my girlfriend/finacee (and girlfriends in the past) forming these bonds with other guys. Like when her and I first met, we talked a lot and one of the main reasons she liked me she said is that I have a good heart. So with this coworker/friend of hers it makes me feel like what's the difference with me and him then? She also, at the same time, started talking to me abuot an old guy friend of hers she use to hang out with allll the time and that she misses him and stuff. She'd even hang out with him a lot while she was with her last boyfriend who was living down south at the time and she tells me her ex never had a problem at all with her hanging out with him. Part of me feels stupid and immature about the whole thing.

 

Her and I have been arguing a lot lately, so I'm wondering if she's looking for things in other guys that she's not getting from me....?

 

My fiancee's going to meet and be friends with other guys, talk to them a bunch, hang out even and I have to not let that bother me, but for some reason it does. When I talk about it with her, she tells me that she's not doing anything wrong and that it's perfectly normal for her to have friends of the opposite sex who she talks to, hangs out with, forms bonds with, etc. I guess I always thought that the way males and females work, if a girl talks a bunch with me I think she's interested, but that just might be my immature perspective on things.

 

Any comments about any of this?

[if only]

If you act Jealous and dont support you fiance over this you may end up pushing her away.

 

I have quite a few male friends that I talk to, I have a co-worker who I talk to everyday and we have been out to lunch together and drinks on works do, gatherings etc I treat him exactly the same as my girl mates and I have no other feelings to him other than friends.

 

The fact he is talking to your fiance about your wedding and you have both been invited to there house warming also suggests that he only has friendly feelings towards her.

 

I know it's hard sometimes, but he has only just got married too so he is probably really loved up, if there was something to hide you wouldn't know about him and your fiance wouldnt be honest with you.

 

Chill out enjoy meeting new people and good luck with your wedding!!!

[caliboy]

You're right if only?, thanks. I can't get jealous over this, cause she's not doing anything wrong. I trust her, I guess I just don't trust other guys. If a cute, friendly girl is talking to me a bunch of course I'm going to be nice back. I just don't want him getting the wrong impression.

 

So at what point should I be concerned about her being friendly and/or hanging out with another guy?

[if only]

When you stop hearing about him - and she begins to lie (I really doubt she will do this though)

 

A friend of mine said to me and a mate of mine, do you trust your friend with a boyfriend? (the girl in question was a bit tarty if you know what I mean).

 

I said I wouldnt trust her, my other friend said 'I would trust my boyfriend with anyone'

 

Point of this is - my ex split with me 4 month's ago, she is living with her LT bf and they are very happy together.

 

Trust is such an important thing

[sayer7]

I think it's essential for a person's social development and emotional well-being for them to have close friends of BOTH genders and sexes. You're afraid that her loyalties will swing from you to him because he is fulfilling some part in her life that she may or may not be getting from you, and this is the cause of insecurities and jealousy. I don't believe there is a "perfect" match, every relationship has some aspect that isn't fulfilled by the significant other-- usually it's some sort of social need (not a sexual need or anything like that) But everyone needs to feel they belong in their social groups outside of the relationship with the significant other-- otherwise the significant other relationship becomes too self-centered- it's not well-rounded or balanced.

 

As to your question as to when you should get worried: If you mean when should you start thinking she's cheating on you or something extreme like that-- If she starts breaking plans you made in advance with her to spend time with him multiple times (like 3-4 times), and/or if she spends 80% of her free time with him rather than you and you find yourself sitting at home missing her and feeling lonely, and/or she doesn't invite you to participate in the plans she made with him or seems very reluctant for you to join them, then you need to sit down with her and have a mature discussion with her about how you feel you guys aren't spending enough quality time together.

 

Just my two cents....

[caliboy]

Thanks sayer7, you too are very right. I read what both of you say here and I know you're right. I'm being insecure and jealous and I need to get passed this. Thank you very much for your comments and advice.

[Princess777]

Greetings.

 

I am not sure that you have a LOT to worry about but at the same time, I wouldn't ignore it either.

 

I am a firm believer in not putting oneself in a situation where either myself or the other person could ever be observed to be, or tempted, to get involved inappropriately. Yes I may miss out on good friendships but to me, my marriage is more important than any risk like that. Of course I am not your typical woman, I am often perceived to be TOO cautious and TOO faithful.... I guess since I was cheated on in the past by my husband of 10 years, it changed my perspective on what is most important to me and it is a personal boundary of mine.

 

Show me one married couple who is happily married AND they both go out without one another on a regular basis. I have never met one, and I've lived in twelve different places, including abroad and it always ends in disaster. When you put yourself in a position of threats, sooner or later, somebody will come along who seems greater than what you've got at home. It's human nature. AGAIN, MY OPINION.

 

I think you should voice your opinion with your fiance immediately because you can't just STOP feeling the way you feel.... it doesn't work that way. Your feelings are just as important as hers and you shouldn't have to be the one to totally compromise in this situation..... it should be mutual or you need to re-evaluate your match with this woman.... there are plenty of women out there who don't need close relationships with other guys.