Seperated but still not divorced and today is anniversary!!

[Hopingpraying]

I didn't think it would effect me like this, but I really find myself thinking a lot about my soon to be Ex-wife. We have been separated since Feb. 14th. Yeah that was one heck of a Valentines Day.

I have since been able to heal myself very well. About three months ago I started dating again. I have found it difficult to get close to her, but she is a wonderful girl. The only problem is I still hold out hopes of my wife coming back to me, but each day I know that grows less likely. Regardless I am just looking to vent here and get some feedback for other people with similar situations and how you were able to handle them.

 

I did get my wife an anniversary card. It was nice, nothing to mushy. Just talking about love, and how understanding and caring are part of a marriage. I know I contributed to the failure of our divorce, but my wife still has not learned that she also was a part of that. Or if she has she hasn't let me in on it.

I know it will get easier, I know I will be okay. I know our daughter will be okay, but how do you get a person to see that you have truley changed for the better? That you have seen the light, that you have grown up. That you now know what is most important in life???

 

End rant.....

[lunatic]

Well if she cannot see for herself then it is her loss. Sometimes when a relationship/marriage is ending one person may give up totally on the other person. In other words, she has already made up her mind on what she wants for her future and your a part of it but not in the way you were in the past.

 

I am sorry that you are hurting and divorce is not easy on anyone including your daughter. My advice is to start moving on and give up on her coming back. I doubt it that she will and if she does on her own then you have control to make the decision if you want her back or not.

 

Stop dating and start healing yourself. I applaud you on finding some of the faults that lead to the marriage ending. I agree that it is no one persons fault but, both of you. Keep soul searching and looking within to find your answers. Eventually, you will be able to let go of her and will embrace yourself as a new man.

 

Good luck with the difficult time ahead.

 

Hubman 8)

[sisterlynch]

There is a new book about the reality of divorse that was mentioned on the Today show yesterday. I believe it is written by the writer of Kramer V Kramer. That is all that I can remember -- it is a fiction, rather than a non-fiction.

 

Have you seen a counselor to help sort threw some of your feelings?

[DragonGirl724]

H&P if u were the dumper all i have to say is the dumpee needs plenty of time to heal, PLENTY OF TIME try to talk it out w/ her. if u are the dumpee maybe u fixed yourself but she didnt....

 

reminds me of this song, Comfortable by John Mayor:

 

i just remembered that time at the market

you snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart

and rolled down aisle five

you looked behind you to smile back at me

crashed into a rack full of magazines

they asked us if we could leave

 

I can't remember what went wrong last September

though I'm sure you'd remind me if you had to

 

our love was comfortable and so broken in

 

I sleep with this new girl I'm still getting used to

my friends all approve,

say "she's gonna be good for you"

they throw me high fives

she says the Bible is all that she reads

and prefers that I not use profanity

your mouth was so dirty

 

life of the party and she swears that she's artsy

but you could distinguish Miles from Coltrane

 

our love was comfortable and so broken in

she's perfect

so flawless

or so they say

so they say

 

she thinks I can't see the smile that she's faking

and poses for pictures that aren't being taken

I loved you

grey sweatpants

no makeup

so perfect

 

our love was comfortable and so broken in

she's perfect

so flawless

I'm not impressed

I want you want you want you back want you want you back.

 

are u the dumper/dumpee? i know how hard it is to get through to somone, but just know & relize that one will only come back if one wants to, free will is a '*****'! isnt it

 

-DG724

[Scout]

Hi Hoping - I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. It's frustrating when the other party won't step to the plate and acknowledge the work they need to do, too, isn't it?

 

Did you two ever try counseling?

[sisterlynch]

It is never going to change until you change it. You will never completely lose the desire to be with her. You can change love into hate and hate into love, but I think that you have to allow yourself to have all the normal feelings of despair to let that one go.

 

You two have both Moved On. It doesnt do any good to say woulda coulda shoulda, you are really just kicking a dead horse. Try meditation or some older ancient traditions to get out of the habit of thinking about the way things used to be.

 

When you get any depressing thoughts, just don't fully realize them. You can allow yourself to experience a physical loss without thinking about it too much.

 

Don't drink or do illegal drugs during this time, it will only increase the depression.

[Hopingpraying]

Thanks to everyone for their replies and encouraging words. I will take it all in. To answer some of the questions....

 

Hubman.... I agree with you and appreciate the solid advice. I know this is what I need to do but getting my heart to agree is tough. I know in my mind it is over, but my heart still holds out hope. Eventually I think I will come around.

 

Sisterlynch... I have seen a counselor to sort out my feelings. I am so strapped for cash right now that i have had to quit going. I know what I need to do, but now that I am not going to a counselor, you all get to be my counselor!! And a lot of you are very qualified!!

 

Dragongirl724... I am the dumpee. Meaning I was the one who was in shock when she told me she was not happy anymore. There is a lot to my story and I know no one has time to go back and look at the history but like I said I was not perfect in our relationship. Over the past few months I have had a lot of time to do some soul searching and improve myself. I still have a ways to go, but I have come along way in a short time and matured. At least the next woman I am with will get a very good man. I guess I need to look at it that way... I just wish I could'a should'a would'a

 

Scout... I wanted her to go to counseling with me, but she refused. She ended up going by herself and was told she was co-dependent towards me. I guess to her that meant she had to get rid of me. Porblem solved!!

 

Sister... I will change it with time, that I know. And I cannot do any illegal drugs. It was part of a reason for our divorce or so she says. I smoked pot on occasion and she used that against me in court during the custody hearings. But she has no problem letting her sister watch our daughter when she knows her sister smokes pot and her sister's boyfriend sells it. Figure that one out... N-E-Way.. I will stay strong.. Again thanks for the support!!