Help Advice Needed Please

[catman70]

Hello everyone,

 

I am completely devastated. I can eat sleep or do anything. All I do is cry all day and night . My mind is in total disarray. My 35yr. old girlfriend of 2 years(soul mate is what I like to think of her) has decided out of the blue to keep her distance from me and shut me out of her life. I was late coming over one night because I was working on my beautiful new home that I just purchased, and I think she used this as an excuse to do this. I used to go over every night to sleep next to her, and I am sooo used to that. She always made me promise that I would never leave her and I did promise as she asked. She always made me promise that I would always sleep next to her too. Now she doesn't want to.

 

I finally got out of her the real reason. We both went on a Carribbean Cruise in the first 3-4 months of meeting each other. She told me that when we went on a Carraibean Cruise in St. Thomas that she was really excited when we were looking at engagement rings. She didn't try any on, but we just looked. St. Thomas is known for their jewerly, so I looked out of curiosity, but she had other things in mind. About 1 1/2 years later she's now hurt, bitter, and discouraged that I never followed through on a ring and she's had her hoped up for all this time.

 

My response has always been we have to resolve some major issues first before I can feel confident that we can make it in marriage:

 

1.) My GF is a divorced single mom that has 2 boys that are 9 and 6 yrs. old that do not listen to her. They are completely uncontrollable. So I ask her to show more discipline she won't - she avoids confrontation and that's not her style. She let's them walk all over her and my hands are tied behind my back. All I can do is watch.

 

2.) Her mother is very dominant and walks all over her and still talks down to her and my GF will not tell her off.

 

3.) Her ex is a major control freak and will not give here a schedule when he will pick up the kids. So, are lives are basically in control of these people because she lets them. She will not take him to the friend of the court. She's afraid to.

 

4.) I feel I am not number 1 in her life but a close 2 or 3 to her kids and her dominating mother.

 

I told her I will get an engagement ring for her if she can follow through or at least tried, but she hasn't done anything to make me feel confortable about marriage.

 

I love her very much, and I don't want to lose her. I never imagined my life without her and she always said the same to me, but I don't believe it anymore after what she has done. I know she loves me a lot. Like me, she hasn't been eating or sleeping for sometime either.

 

Please help!!

[goodquestion]

Why are your hands tied? I realize they are not your children, is not your mother, is not your ex, but could it be that your girlfriend wants you to help in this area? I realize you can't do everything for her, but _maybe_ she needs a strong man to HELP her ... just a thought ... you may ask her about this ... in any case, don't push her, or you'll push her away ...

[catman70]

Goodquestion - thanks for replying with your help.

 

It not about being a strong enough man. I feel I meet that requirement very well. I've voiced my opinion many times to her and gave her my advice until I am blue in the face, but she will not let me be a authority figure to her kids. That is why my hands are tied.

[purple_monster]

Does she refuse to address those issues? Or can she just not deal with it right now?

 

I had a similar situation -- one of the things that broke things down between my ex and i was his continuing insistence that i tell off my micromanaging-mom. for me, it wasn't that easy -- i wasn't sure i could do that without a complete breakdown, and telling her off would risk cutting off all communication and support. sure, eventually i wanted to do it, but i had to work on my own strength first -- dealing with a dominant mother was very damaging psychologically for me.

 

it always felt unfair -- that he couldn't see what i was doing to try to make things better, he just could see that it wasn't what he would do in that situation, and didn't see why it was so hard. it left me feeling really abandoned at times, and then eventually i broke up with him.

 

it's been really helpful for me to seek talk therapy with a psychologist. i think it will be a slow process but eventually i'll figure things out. maybe you should work with her and help her through these things, rather than being an additional burden.

 

basically, when my boyfriend was attacking me for not fending off my mom, i felt like i was trying to defend myself from the two people who were supposed to love me -- my mom and my boyfriend. it made it twice as hard, and really, really sad for me.

[catman70]

Purple Monster, my feelings really do go out for you for what you had to go through. You sound like you had the same dilemma I have.

 

Thanks for your insight. She would say she was going to address the issues but never did when confronted with them each time. Actually, when her mom mentally beats up on her, she would call me crying and then I would get mad at her mom for treating her the way she did. She would say every choice she made in her life was wrong. I really think her mother was there to punish her for divorcing her control freak ex husband. I really could have told her mom a thing or two, but I new that would be crossing over too far - especially when I wasn't married to her.

 

She would say I am done with my mom and I would support her. Then things would go quite and then her mom would go back to being mean to her again. I could only say to her,"maybe if you cut if off with her she would try to treat you better". I did tell her that if you keep letting your mom control you she'll end up controlling our lives if we are married. That is why I always asked her to confront her. I also tried to talk to her mom about how she treats her, but my GF would stop me each and every time.

 

If she couldn't help me to help her, I don't know what else I could do.

[catman70]

Well, tonight I found the hard truth, she is seeing someone else now. His car was in her driveway. Obviously, they were and are sleeping together and doing something I'd rather not know.

 

My heart is soo broken into a million pieces. I've been with her for 2 years and I gave up everything for her. I will never trust women again! This is way too painful. Why couldn't she tell me the truth? The same day she said she loved me?

 

I'm hating life! Help!