Any advice for a dumper?

[purple_monster]

I know it totally sucks more to be the dumpee.

 

But that's not where I am. And since I seriously love and care about my ex, I want to do everything possible the right way.

 

So for those of you on the other side of the fence, especially if the breakup was long enough ago for you to look at it objectively -- what did your ex do that helped you? In retrospect, what do you wish your ex had done? What if you were trying really hard to get back together with him/her? In retrospect what was the right thing for the other person to do?

 

I'm 24 and just out of my first serious relationship which lasted for over 3 years. (A lot of things were going wrong with the relationship, but it wasn't like I didn't love him.) I don't want to lead him on, but I don't want to be unnecessarily cruel either. I don't want to be his crutch, but I don't want to seem any more cold hearted than I already am.

 

Your wise words are appreciated

[american dream]

Well, to start with be honest. Be very kind when delivering the news. My ex of 3.5 years left me a one page note. That was HELLA messed up. But when I was able to see her, we talked for about 2 hours. The house was quiet, and the room was fairly dark, both of which comforted me. Have tissue around for the tears. If you are seeing another guy already or if you will be soon, DON'T tell him today. Let it be for a few weeks before you let him know. By then he may be no contact towards you, at which point it may be easier for him to deal with. Have your reasoning well defined, and logical (it is hard for men to deal with illogical ideas, like, "I love you but I'm not in love with you).

 

My ex was my best friend, confidant, lover, and my anchor. We have been broken up for just over 2 months, and it is still killing me sometimes. If you two had a great relationship like this, consider why you are doing this. The way my ex ended it (coupled with her crazy lying) means that as much as it hurts I will never be with her again. I will never count her among my friends again. In fact, if she was on fire, I wouldn't put her out. I have grown a deep hatered for her because of her lying at the end. And I have honestly never hated anyone else in my whole life. She went from best friend/lover to the only person I hate. So be honest with him if you truly care for him. If he asks for closure and what he did wrong, don't just give him, "its not you its me", or "you didnt do anything wrong". You want to break up for some reason, so let him know what it is (but be kind), so that in his next relationship he doesnt make the same mistakes.

[purple_monster]

american dream, that sounds really tough i'm sorry that she did all the wrong things -- and i hope i avoid those things.

 

my breakup was about a month ago. it's so hard to navigate the line between "kind and honest" and "don't give him any hope so he can move on".

[bzborow1]

Just leave him alone, do the no contact stuff yourself for a while. "Trying to make things easier" as you say actually makes stuff worse. Just give him space even if he thinks he doesn't need it.

[purple_monster]

thanks bzborow1. i'm actually doing nc right now, good to know that you think that is a good thing.

 

i hear a lot of sadness here about how exes suddenly become cold. later on, do they see that as the only thing that could have been done? or is there a better way about it?

[drydupfob]

Purple, I think you are doing the right thing by not talking to him....... and not done what my ex did.... which is to give hope and crumble it over and over and over and over....

 

glade that you have ur decisions made....... but dont count on being friends with him anytime soon...... lets say over a year.... and he might end up hating you anyways.....

 

but i commend you on what you are doing.... u are very kind.

[Jake212]

No contact is good, but dont be cruel, if he contacts you just keep letting him know that its over, dont cave in on this and dont lead him on. I think the best thing to do is leave him alone (like your doing) and let him deal with it in his own way. But I stress dont give any signs that he might misinterpt as a chance to get back together because he will probalbly look for anthing to give him hope. My ex was pretty cruel the way he ended it but he kept stressing that it was over and in the next couple weeks when he did talk to me I kept looking for some hope to get back together and he would'nt lead me on, I have to give him credit for that. He has done some cruel things since then but that a different story. I guess Im saying be nice about it but dont waiver on your decision.

[raccoon]

Hey,

 

I just read your first post...

 

Please please please don't tell him you don't want to "lead him on" as a reason for breaking up. My ex did that and that was what hurt me more than anything else. It implies that you never really cared about him. It's ok if your feelings subsided and went away, but to find that the person you love never loved you.... ouch.

 

I know you already broke up and the deed is done, but if he ever asks... I think it's best to avoid that phrase.

 

good luck