Looking back hurts

[solstice48]

I've read where in order to move forward it helps to look back at all the good memories (& in my 25yr one ther was a lot) you had in your relationship. I've tried to do this but find my mind wanders into thinking of what could have been had our realationship continued. It brings sadness at what was once there & is now gone & will never be. Is my thinking all wrong in this or is this the "normal" thinking that the brain does after the heartbreak? I'm not saying there were no bad times but if it seems the good out number the bad it makes thinking this way a lot harder. Is this kind of thinking supposed to happen later when you've got a better grip on things?

[Ellee1]

Hi solstice48,

 

The feelings you are having are ABSOLUTELY normal. Although my break up is very fresh (2 weeks), & I probably shouldn't think of the good times yet anyway, I push them away. It is too soon. They only bring hurt and sadness like you said. I don't know when your break-up occurred, but I think what you have read suggesting that, did in fact mean when you were ready to do so. When you have come to the stage in your healing process where it does not hurt so much anymore to look back.

At some point, you will be able to look back at it as a wonderful time in your life and know that it enriched your life and brought you to the place where you will be at that time. You will realize that it is something positive, not negative, and treasure it and keep it close to your heart forever. This is my 4th break up from "long-term" relationships. I took something positive with me from each one. When I look back at Chris (my first BF), I smile. We were young, and had so much fun together. But for dumb reasons (immaturity!), it did not work out. I look back at my second long term BF, (broken engagement), and that one is a little bit tougher to remember the good memories, but they are there. I remember how much I loved him and how close we were and the special bond that was there. I take the good with me and leave the bad. My 3rd long term relationship, I learned so much about myself and the world. But it wasn't meant to be. This current break-up I am going through, I am unable to do that yet. I would say it took me about a year for me to be able to do that. Now that it's been 9 yrs. since Chris, I don't remember anything negative!!!

 

So to answer your question, IMO, yes, this type of thinking is supposed to happen when you have a better grip on things. And you will. It just takes time. The hardest part. Hang in there, I feel for you. We are all going through the same pain. You will survive and come through a better person for it.

[kaliguy80]

i hear you man......yea, after the breakup its the good memories that you think of and wished it was still there but then again...u dont' have it, so thinking about it wont' do u any good but only harm.......so, dont' think about wat if i had her......think about wat should i do now to move on and just think of the mistakes you made that didnt' make the relationship work and make sure u don't do it when u have a new one......don't think of past and move on into future......good luck

[hshot_rooke]

Well it's good to hear that only the good memories exist after a few years of being apart.

 

Ellee1, do you ever think of contacting your first boyfriend? Seeing if you and him have matured enough. Learned from each one's mistakes and seeing if it works again?

[sisterlynch]

If you were in a twenty-five year relationship and it is over now, you should definitely go in for some counseling. But lets be honest, we all have some things that we are proud of and others that we are not too proud of doing.

 

It helps to stay in the present as much as possible, get really excited over some project that you are working on. Be open to new ideas!

 

If you have to think of the past, let your mind wander over all of it, good and bad, then say to yourself that was then, this is now, this is how I work on moving forward, going to the gym, eating healthfully, getting enough sleep, finding support in others.

 

If any of these is missing from your equasion, then I suggest counseling!

 

It can only help if you let it happen!

[solstice48]

I appreciate your advice & I am seeing a counselor. It helps sometimes to get on here & see what the views are of other people. Since my wife left back in November, deciding she just didn't want to be married I've gone through emotions I never thought I would. Right now I'm dealing with hope & trying to accept the fact that there is none. But I get side tracked into thinking about the past, what was & what could have been. Guess that's one of the 2 steps back we all go through. As I said it usually starts when I think of the good times we had which I probaly should not be doing at this time. I do thank everyone for their advice. It helps to know there are a lot of others out there going through this heartbreak as well, and people willing to help. Thanks!

[sisterlynch]

I think it is ok to look back as long as you aren't trying to beat yourself up over what you did or didn't do. Your situation is unfortunate, to say the least. I know that there is someone for everyone, you just need to find the right person, you'll do that too as soon as you are ready.

 

Churches often have support groups for this type of situation, I believe that communites may also offer support. You could do volunteer work and take college classes to meet people.

[Ellee1]

Well it's good to hear that only the good memories exist after a few years of being apart.

 

Ellee1, do you ever think of contacting your first boyfriend? Seeing if you and him have matured enough. Learned from each one's mistakes and seeing if it works again?

 

I cheated on him, I think he's angry with me. We still loved each other at the end, but I did some crappy things to him b/c I was stupid.

[Ellee1]

Well it's good to hear that only the good memories exist after a few years of being apart.

 

Ellee1, do you ever think of contacting your first boyfriend? Seeing if you and him have matured enough. Learned from each one's mistakes and seeing if it works again?

 

I cheated on him, I'm sure he's angry with me. We still loved each other at the end, but I really hurt him. After he gained back some of his dignity, he didn't really want anything to do w/me & I don't blame him.