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unresolved feelings


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I must start off by saying I feel like a very lucky girl right now. I am in a relationship with a Man whom I love very much. I am actually in my first real relationship, and I am happy. But the memories I have of a boy I fell in love with when i was 15 still come up often when I'm alone, or sleeping, or anytime i'm not too busy for the thoughts too slip in.... even in my dreams. This boy was the brother of my very best childhood friend. And i was painfully in love with him. We were stupid and immature and hung out behind his sisters back in order to avoid upsetting her. We would hug and kiss and talk for hours, but months or weeks would go in between us seeing one another.. This affair if you will went on for years.. Until he got into another relationship when i was just turned 18. I didn't see him for the year and a half he was with her (although we did talk on the phone and by message) but then one night I decided to message him on a social networking site. The same night he came over to hang out.. catch up..ect. Nothing sexual happened.. but he did get too close for comfort a few times and i had to back away. I was feeling vulnerable and hurt and I refused to put myself in a position to be hurt again like i had been 2 years before. So he left that night after a couple hours of hanging out and I cried just about every night of that week. Then more weeks went by and i would see him around our campus, or around town, and simple small talk would take place... as i went on with deep feelings of hurt and frustration. I irresponsibly dated and slept with about 5 guys between that night and a year later. I was a wreck. And everyone could probably tell.. especially my best friends i would still talk about him with from time to time. It was a mess. Until A good friend told me to ask him to meet up so i could finally let all of this go. clear up questions i had about the past.. and finally move one. So I did, and even though his message was nearly as jumbled as always when we talked, he made it clear that it wouldn't work out, and that i was crazy to have held on to this for so long. He said we had hurt his sister very much, which i will forever feel guilty for, and that his family wouldn't support a relationship between us anyhow. It wasn't too pleasant to say the least, as we walked by many faces, and i only remember one. I got out of his car that night thinking that I certainly could now move on. I had my answer. There was no hope. And a year later here I am. Still thinking about him. The love i felt for him as he held me in the night. The anger he evoked in me over the years out of frustration and hurt. I saw him the other day at a coffee shop. I was with a friend and so was he. He was sitting accross the room from me, and about 30 minutes after I arrived I saw him leaving. And as much as I know he is gone, my heart is still holding on to him.

I need help because i am still hurting badly, I don't know what to do, I don't think there is much I can do. But I'm wondering if anyone has anything to say about it.


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