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not happy with myself


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Ok well I am going to start off by saying my boyfriend( we will call him G) and I have been friends for 8 years, he has always had a crush on me but never admitted it until this year. I could tell he did but I was not into him more than a friend... one bit! This year we started hanging out, to me it was just as friends but i guess to him it meant something more..We hung out one night, we both were drunk and he kissed me. First thing that came to my mind was I can not do this because I didn't want our friendship to be ruined, so i left. I ended up going to this guys house who i was already hooking up with... and well we hooked up. The next day that guy and I had our last conversation and I decided to cut things off with him. I stopped talking to him. G and i then started talking and hanging out every day... we then hooked up. After him and I hooked up, I really had no idea where it would lead to. Well it ended up to us falling in love...


A few months passed and one night he was drunk and started asking me all these questions from my past.. I was truthful. He made me feel like complete * * * * about myself. I already regret my past mistakes and the guys I have dated but I got over it. Now with him throwing it all in my face i feel horrible. I feel like I don't deserve anything. He has a past himself- just like most of us do but i never ask him about his because i don't want to know. He knows pretty much everything but there are a few other things that I have not told him. I am scared to. I ended up lying to him which i feel bad about, but i already know if i told him he would flip and throw it in my face. He asked if i ever been pregnant and without even thinking my reaction was " no, do you want me to take a test?"... which i have been pregnant.. i had an abortion with my ex. I hate lying, but if i were to tell him he would just make me feel like crap about myself especially since he doesn't like the ethnicity my ex was which was arabic.. I also now tend to beat around the bush. He asked if someone i had dated was my ex i go no he wasn't really my b.f he goes so it didn't go any farther than that and i responded with " you act as if he was my b.f and we hung out all the time.. we barely hung out".. I am not sure if he wanted to know how far we went as in sexual stuff or what... but i now feel like i lied to him about that?


Idk.. i just feel horrible about myself. He does know about what happened the night after he kissed me and i left and went to the other guys house. We got in a huge argument, especially bc he was drunk and the next day he was apologizing. ..I just regret it so much, i KNOW we weren't together and i KNOW i didn't even like him more than a friend at the time.. so why do i feel as if i cheated on him?


I just don't know how to get over the things i regret in my life. I was stupid and fell for anything any guy told me. I have slept with 6 people and i am very ashamed of that. I feel disgusted with myself and that i don't deserve to be happy. I made out with people who i would NEVER think about kissing now, and I almost had sex with someone but it didn't happen. I was such a dumb insecure teen..and i am still insecure and i like to have a b.f. but i always get screwed over with guys. and it now haunts me. Idk what to do. I also feel like i am lying by not wanting to tell things to my bf.. but it's bc how he reacts to it and then later throws it in my face. I want to concentrate on what happens between him and i from the day we made it "official" not what happened before us.. I am depressed, and just am disgusted with myself no idea how to just be happy anymore

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