Beginning of NC - need help and encouragement

[JLKLEE]

My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and I broke up. Although it will be hard, I KNOW that I need to go no contact ASAP!! Basically our entire relationship, my ex would lie to me. He would lie about having girls over, he would like about going out to bars when he told me he was really home, he would get wasted, he was arrested for possession of cocaine and marijuanna, he was arrested for a DUI....I could go on and on.

 

I felt like I held on to what he led me to believe he was. From day one he always told me that the restaurant business was temporary. He wanted better things for himself. Things slowly went downhill from there. He took the GRE but never applied to grad school. He was partying all the time and getting wasted. That is when he was arrested for a DUI and I bailed him out of jail. From there the lies continued and they got worse and worse. It was my fault for allowing it to continue to happen. I was always the one that was trying and changing...whatever it took to make the relationship work because I loved him.

 

But now, I look back and I feel like I was spending too much time mothering him and trying to make sure he made the right decisions. It is NOT my responsibility to remind him his bills are due. Or remind him to do this or that. Remind him that it isnt a smart choice to drink and drive after a dismissed DUI that is still on his record and two felony charges and 2 misdemenor charges (drug). I was not allowing him to make the mistakes that needed to be mad.

 

I can't help but feel thought that I am a failure. My mom tells me that I was TOO good of a girlfriend and maybe so. But is that not much better than being a horrible girlfriend. Almost all my boyfriends in the past have realized what they had when it was too late and I'm sure this will be the case too. I'm just scared I won't find anyone, or it will be the same story. Me being TOO good of a girlfriend and someone taking it for granted and taking advantage of it.

 

Any kind words and advice would be appreciated

[LaKings55]

You deserve someone better, given all the effort you've put into the relationship. You can't change someone, they have to want to change and make it happen. Someday he'll likely mature, but I'm guessing he's in his early-mid 20's (I am as well, so I know our generation) and the lack of emotional maturity at this age is very typical. The trend today is to kick responsibility, careers, serious relationships, etc, down the road.

[BrianH46]

There's no such thing as "too good of a girlfriend" my advice to you is stay the same: be caring and supportive of you bfs, however don't let them disrespect you by lying and treating you any less than your worth. Realize for yourself that your a helluva catch and that means if a guy turns out to be a loser dump him, if a guy takes you for granted dump him. This isn't a case of you're too good for someone and they take it for granted but it is a case of you being too good for someone and not having the self-respect to stand up for yourself.

[GreenCupcake]

JLKLEE, your ex sounds like a mess. Why would you even think of blaming yourself for anything?

 

It's not that you were mothering him - it's that he acted like a child. If he was responsible enough, you wouldn't have felt the need to do that. You cared about him and wanted to make sure that he didn't keep screwing things up. Don't let his bad behavior convince you that you weren't good enough.

 

Go NC and do it proudly! Your ex needs to grow up and staying in contact with him would not benefit you at all.

[JLKLEE]

There's no such thing as "too good of a girlfriend" my advice to you is stay the same: be caring and supportive of you bfs, however don't let them disrespect you by lying and treating you any less than your worth. Realize for yourself that your a helluva catch and that means if a guy turns out to be a loser dump him, if a guy takes you for granted dump him. This isn't a case of you're too good for someone and they take it for granted but it is a case of you being too good for someone and not having the self-respect to stand up for yourself.

 

I guess what my mom meant was that I was ALWAYS putting him before me. I never hung out with my friends. I always did what he wanted, hung out with his friends, made my schedule around his, sent him sweet texts, always told him I loved him, made plans for us, planned trips for us, bought him the things he wanted, etc. It was never him pursuing me, it was always me pursuing him. Me always making the suggestions and making the effort to mend and fix things when we had arguments.

[JLKLEE]

JLKLEE, your ex sounds like a mess. Why would you even think of blaming yourself for anything?

 

It's not that you were mothering him - it's that he acted like a child. If he was responsible enough, you wouldn't have felt the need to do that. You cared about him and wanted to make sure that he didn't keep screwing things up. Don't let his bad behavior convince you that you weren't good enough.

 

Go NC and do it proudly! Your ex needs to grow up and staying in contact with him would not benefit you at all.

 

He is a mess!!! I guess I thought he would wake up from the dream land he lived in. That he would realize what he had and appreciate it. That he would realize the mistakes that he has made and learned from them.

 

I did things I was not proud of and things that I KNOW normal people do not do. I did it for my sanity, unfortunately. I was always keeping tabs to make sure I was not being lied to, etc. I should not have to do those things. Instead of getting a good nights sleep, I was awake for hours wondering where he was, who he was with, if he was really home, if he was cheating on me etc.

 

I cant help but think that I was not good enough, because how does someone (him and my ex before him) not appreciate what they had. In fact, my previous ex treated me like CRAP and after I broke up with him he did a complete transformation to get me back, for many years.

[TheEndComplete]

JLKLEE, your ex sounds like a mess.

I second that. Doesn't exactly sound like a winner.

 

Make no mistake, he damaged ones have a way of displacing their damage onto you, but you need to let that go and not blame yourself. His issues are his issues and you'd be better off keeping them (and him) at arms length. If you have a tendency to be a rescuer, to think "I can change him" it would be best if you faced that early and put it to rest. I have a good friend who had that outlook, and it took him fifteen years of bad relationships with women who used him as an emotional punching bag for him to realize that he actually had a right to get something out of a relationship. As for myself, I know all to well what it's like to fall in love with an illusion. What you end up missing isn't the actual person or relationship, but the potential relationship that the illusion you fell in love with led you to believe you would have. Letting that go is hard.

 

And regarding no contact, I waited three and a half months to initiate no contact. Three and a half months of painful discussions and pretending I was okay with just being friends. The sooner you go no contact, the more pain you'll spare yourself. Set the rule and stick to it. You'll be all the better for it.

[Tuffly]

I don't see how this is your failure at all. I actually think you're rather strong for being able to walk away from such a destructive person. I had a friend that snagged one of these types of bad boys and married hm. After two kids and years of bailing his butt out of every predicament you can think of, she had enough and finally grew a backbone to divorce him. It's always been up to him to fix himself, whether she was there or not.

[Tom1990]

I think another way of putting it is, "You deserve a better boyfriend." This will be tough! Take it day by day, or hour by hour if you have to! I play games, listen to uplifting songs (I freaking love Glee), and text old friends who know about the breakup. Your mom sounds like a great support for you. Naturally try to find more people, so you don't wear her out! Post here a lot.

[JLKLEE]

I don't see how this is your failure at all. I actually think you're rather strong for being able to walk away from such a destructive person. I had a friend that snagged one of these types of bad boys and married hm. After two kids and years of bailing his butt out of every predicament you can think of, she had enough and finally grew a backbone to divorce him. It's always been up to him to fix himself, whether she was there or not.

 

I see in the opposite. I see myself as weak for not walking away sooner. It was happening for 2 1/2 years. its ridiculous I did not move on before then.

[BrianH46]

I guess what my mom meant was that I was ALWAYS putting him before me. I never hung out with my friends. I always did what he wanted, hung out with his friends, made my schedule around his, sent him sweet texts, always told him I loved him, made plans for us, planned trips for us, bought him the things he wanted, etc. It was never him pursuing me, it was always me pursuing him. Me always making the suggestions and making the effort to mend and fix things when we had arguments.

Lol I can totally relate to this, maybe not this extreme but I definitely babied my ex. However because of my personality she never really took me for granted. The only faults I see you having is tolerating his negative behaviors, other than that I think you were being an ideal girlfriend. I mean if you're like me, doing all those thoughtful things is kinda who you are, don't change that part of you because of this * * * * . After all I wanna one day find a girl like you. But yeah to summarize my late night rambling I do agree you should make them chase you more in the future and all of their negative behaviors didn't spawn because you were too good to them, it is because you keep bending in relationships. They keep testing how far they can get away with and you take them back, this just reinforces their negative behavior. In the future make your needs and expectations brutally clear, if they break it leave.