wlaney Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Hi R***a, Alot has happened since the last time you and I spoke. I write about it instead of drinking now. A few things stick in my head from what you told me, "You're just a piece of s**t, I'm dating a real man now, I don’t give an s**t about you, your past, present or future." I hope those are just words and only words aimed at me for the harm I've done. Anger, hate and rage... And honestly those words keep me going so that I become a better man, father, and don’t go back to drinking. I said some very very awful things via text and email that I resent and regret. I've done some things that I most definitely resent and regret. I'm on the path to forgiving myself which is a tough part. Knowing things would be completely different now if I didn’t... You wouldn’t be reaching out for another man's hand or sleeping next to him. R***a, as you know and learned I am an alcoholic. While with you I so desperately wanted to stop drinking. And as much as I tried I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I lied because I was embarrassed. And ironically didn’t EVER want to hurt you but I did the exact opposite to the most extreme. I didn’t want to drag you down the path I was going. I was so so so selfish, honey. So terribly sick. You may ask, "If I loved you so much, then why did I do that to you!? I don’t understand!!" It’s the sick and selfish mind of an active alcoholic. Ohhh, the sick and devastating irony to watch a loving, sweet, romantic relationship slip away. I miss you so so much. I miss the sweet silence of your comfort. I miss the morning with you. I miss feeling your warmth. I miss seeing your smile after the shower. I miss holding your hand. I miss your lips. I miss hearing the music in the morning. I miss holding you. I miss you holding me. I miss making love to you. I miss cooking dinner. I miss getting texts from you. I miss watching tv with you. I miss traveling with you. I miss picking you up from the airport. I miss your face. I miss your smile. I miss you jumping into my arms. I miss your laugh. I miss taking showers with you. I miss kissing you goodbye. I miss saying have a good day. I miss calling you just to say "I love you". I miss hearing about your day. I miss your family. I miss your snuggles. I miss your smell. I miss your butt. I miss taking pictures with you. I miss you with my family. I miss going to dinner. I miss thinking about Christmas with you. I miss Port Aransas with you. I miss seeing you with R***. I miss your snore. I miss your head on my chest. I miss saying "sweet dreams" and our prayers together. I miss you so so so much. When I was sick I used the excuses: "I was drunk, I would never do that sober!" or "I was in a blackout, I can’t remember what I did..." or "I completely lost my mind in the warped depths of alcoholism." That only gives me a sense of justification. It does not remove me from being solely responsible for my actions. I was wrong, in every sense of the word. So so wrong. I was a liar and a thief. The sober person who you came to love is the person that I grabbed and rebuilt. Is my life better? Of course because I am taking responsibility for who and what I am. Do I wish you were a part of my recovery? Very, very much. I want you to be a part of my success story. You must have felt so unloved, betrayed, used when you found out. I failed you honey. And disrespected you. My actions put everything that we had hoped for, prayed about and planned into jeopardy and nonexistent. And I pray to God for forgiveness everyday. I have a direct hotline to Him that I abuse regularly. R***a, after we broke up I absolutely lost all self-will. All the things that I hid in my life before you ie: messy divorce years ago, molested as a child, death of a best friend, family members dying due to alcoholism still crept up inside me. Because some of those things prevented us from moving forward. Knowing that, I am completely at fault for the results of our relationship. I was trying to drink my life into oblivion. In order to stop I checked myself into rehab, but that didn’t work. It just gave me a reprieve. Two weeks later I was right back at it and even worse. From then on I really don’t remember much of anything. My summer is a complete blur. I really don’t know what I was doing. I lost my mind. But at one point towards the middle of August I screamed for God to either kill me or put me in jail. Our God was listening. I got a DUI two days later. But all that being said..., (And not to sound grandiose) YOU saved my life. Like we used to talk about, God must have been working that day because it was fate that we met. If you did not break up with me, things would have got worse. And nobody deserves that. It set off a range of emotions and actions that I cannot explain. I needed to help myself for that only purpose. And for that I will always honor you. I may marry some other woman, you may marry some other man, but for a portion of our lives we were together. And for that I am eternally grateful. Because you kicked into gear what needed to be done. You will always be 'that' person that I hold so so close to my heart that nobody can replace. So, thank you R***a. I will always be thankful for what you have done for me. I Love You. -ME Link to comment
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