Letter to My Ex

[wlaney]

Hi R***a,

 

Alot has happened since the last time you and I spoke. I write about it instead of drinking now. A few things stick in my head from what you told me, "You're just a piece of s**t, I'm dating a real man now, I don’t give an s**t about you, your past, present or future." I hope those are just words and only words aimed at me for the harm I've done. Anger, hate and rage... And honestly those words keep me going so that I become a better man, father, and don’t go back to drinking. I said some very very awful things via text and email that I resent and regret. I've done some things that I most definitely resent and regret. I'm on the path to forgiving myself which is a tough part. Knowing things would be completely different now if I didn’t... You wouldn’t be reaching out for another man's hand or sleeping next to him.

 

R***a, as you know and learned I am an alcoholic. While with you I so desperately wanted to stop drinking. And as much as I tried I couldn’t. I just couldn’t. I lied because I was embarrassed. And ironically didn’t EVER want to hurt you but I did the exact opposite to the most extreme. I didn’t want to drag you down the path I was going. I was so so so selfish, honey. So terribly sick.

 

You may ask, "If I loved you so much, then why did I do that to you!? I don’t understand!!" It’s the sick and selfish mind of an active alcoholic. Ohhh, the sick and devastating irony to watch a loving, sweet, romantic relationship slip away. I miss you so so much.

 

I miss the sweet silence of your comfort. I miss the morning with you. I miss feeling your warmth. I miss seeing your smile after the shower. I miss holding your hand. I miss your lips. I miss hearing the music in the morning. I miss holding you. I miss you holding me. I miss making love to you. I miss cooking dinner. I miss getting texts from you. I miss watching tv with you. I miss traveling with you. I miss picking you up from the airport. I miss your face. I miss your smile. I miss you jumping into my arms. I miss your laugh. I miss taking showers with you. I miss kissing you goodbye. I miss saying have a good day. I miss calling you just to say "I love you". I miss hearing about your day. I miss your family. I miss your snuggles. I miss your smell. I miss your butt. I miss taking pictures with you. I miss you with my family. I miss going to dinner. I miss thinking about Christmas with you. I miss Port Aransas with you. I miss seeing you with R***. I miss your snore. I miss your head on my chest. I miss saying "sweet dreams" and our prayers together. I miss you so so so much.

 

When I was sick I used the excuses: "I was drunk, I would never do that sober!" or "I was in a blackout, I can’t remember what I did..." or "I completely lost my mind in the warped depths of alcoholism." That only gives me a sense of justification. It does not remove me from being solely responsible for my actions. I was wrong, in every sense of the word. So so wrong. I was a liar and a thief. The sober person who you came to love is the person that I grabbed and rebuilt. Is my life better? Of course because I am taking responsibility for who and what I am. Do I wish you were a part of my recovery? Very, very much. I want you to be a part of my success story.

 

You must have felt so unloved, betrayed, used when you found out. I failed you honey. And disrespected you. My actions put everything that we had hoped for, prayed about and planned into jeopardy and nonexistent. And I pray to God for forgiveness everyday. I have a direct hotline to Him that I abuse regularly.

 

R***a, after we broke up I absolutely lost all self-will. All the things that I hid in my life before you ie: messy divorce years ago, molested as a child, death of a best friend, family members dying due to alcoholism still crept up inside me. Because some of those things prevented us from moving forward. Knowing that, I am completely at fault for the results of our relationship. I was trying to drink my life into oblivion.

 

In order to stop I checked myself into rehab, but that didn’t work. It just gave me a reprieve. Two weeks later I was right back at it and even worse. From then on I really don’t remember much of anything. My summer is a complete blur. I really don’t know what I was doing. I lost my mind. But at one point towards the middle of August I screamed for God to either kill me or put me in jail. Our God was listening. I got a DUI two days later.

 

But all that being said..., (And not to sound grandiose) YOU saved my life. Like we used to talk about, God must have been working that day because it was fate that we met. If you did not break up with me, things would have got worse. And nobody deserves that. It set off a range of emotions and actions that I cannot explain. I needed to help myself for that only purpose. And for that I will always honor you. I may marry some other woman, you may marry some other man, but for a portion of our lives we were together. And for that I am eternally grateful. Because you kicked into gear what needed to be done. You will always be 'that' person that I hold so so close to my heart that nobody can replace. So, thank you R***a. I will always be thankful for what you have done for me.

 

I Love You.

-ME

[lanaa]

I suggest you to make this part shorter

[LaKings55]

Are you planning on sending this? I've fought the urge to send my exes letters before, and I'm so glad I didn't write them anything. Regardless of the reason for the break-up, I just don't think there's any point in saying anything else once it's over. I always run through a list of questions: Will we reconcile? No. Will she think better of me if I pour my heart out? I'll probably just look pathetic and desperate. Does it even matter now? We've gone our separate ways. I think I prefer fading from memory while retaining some sense of dignity.

[toby17]

I suggest you to make this part shorter

 

no, that's the best bit.

[wlaney]

laKing. I'll see what my sponsor says.

[Furbys]

What are you wanting from this letter? Are you wanting closure?

 

''All the things that I hid in my life before you ie: messy divorce years ago, molested as a child, death of a best friend, family members dying due to alcoholism still crept up inside me'' Is she aware of these things that have happened, if she is then ok, if she isn't then i wouldn't put that in there.

[wlaney]

I'm not sure what I want. Closure is already done... Its part of my recovery process. I'm cleaning up my side of the street. I was going to put this in a box along with some other items that I need to return to her. (Things I took and sold. But I got them back) Its going to be a while before I have any contact with her. I doubt she will reciprocate. Its not up to me how she responds. Plus a little more sobriety will help.

 

She is aware of those things.... but after the fact.

[LaKings55]

As long as you don't expect anything out of it, then you can do as you please. I personally don't see anything to gain here, so I don't see the point. It seems like you want her to think better of you, despite recognizing the relationship is over. In reality, her opinion means nothing and is unlikely to be persuaded by any words, spoken or written. Words are just that, words. They're meanings and intentions are easily manipulated, hence why we're so skeptical of what others' say. If writing a letter to an ex is intended as an exercise in laying one's thoughts out on paper, then I wouldn't be against the idea as long as it's solely intended for one's own eyes. Beyond that, any attempt would seemingly be one of reconciliation. In my view, unless you're forced to have contact with an ex due to children or other circumstances, I would avoid it. That's just my two cents though. I'm sure others have successfully reconciled after letters or continued contact.

[wlaney]

LaKings55, I appreciate your two cents. It's worth a million bucks. I'm definitely no Tim Tebow but this is what drives me: Matthew 5:23-24 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift." It cant be more clear than that. Now, however we become reconciled is based on if and when we are placed in a position to do so. I have no right to surprise her or inject myself when I am not welcome.

 

I dont expect anything out of it. Its not in my hands after I clean up my side. Actions speak far louder.

[magnoliatree]

I really don't think that a person who told you: "You're just a piece of s**t, I'm dating a real man now, I don’t give an s**t about you, your past, present or future." deserves any sort of email. But if it's part of your recovery program, I'd suggest that you send something shorter and leave out all of the missing you things. It's pretty clear that you ARE trying to get a reaction with this letter on some level, and I'd hate for the wrong response (or lack thereof) on her part to set you back (and it probably will). Send it if you absolutely must, but it would be better if you didn't.

[wlaney]

I stole things from her to support my alcoholism... I deserve what she said. I was just going to write it all out. And include it with the things I need to return. I just wanted y'alls opinions and apprciate everyones responses. I'm not going to do this until it feels right. And right now is not the time.

[magnoliatree]

Then may I suggest that if you want to apologize, you do it more specifically. Because if I got that email, I'd not necessarily be moved or think that it was a real apology (more that you just want me back). I think a real apology - shorter, more direct, fessing up to the things that you did and taking ownership of them, would be way more powerful than paragraphs of missing yous and vague words. I think it should be more Apologize-Fess up-State what you are doing to make it right-Apologize-Goodbye. I would leave out her words and quotes because this isn't about what she said it's about what you did and you making amends for it. I also think it would help you take total responsibility for what you did and move forward with your life. (that is if you are set on sending something).

[wlaney]

I'm torn kinda, because I dont want it to be all about "me". She told me that its always about me etc... I want to acknowledge that in my selfish ways as an alcoholic what it did to her... But not anymore. Hell, I dont know. Its the first of many drafts. But you're right.

 

Of course I want her back. But its not up to me. So I just need to be careful. I AM taking total responsibility. That is the whole point.

[LaKings55]

 

Of course I want her back. But its not up to me. So I just need to be careful. I AM taking total responsibility. That is the whole point.

 

Therein lies the problem, this whole thing will come off as having a hidden motive, because it actually does. You can apologize until the cows come come, but given the way she reacted to everything, I'm guessing she won't even read it. But, if you're determined to send this, do not mention missing her in anyway. Make it short, simple and to the point. Magnolia's pointers are spot-on.

[broken1414]

wlaney - First of all, Thank You for the reply on the thread I posted this morning. For me, I had to break up with my ex because of his alcoholism. It broke my heart to pieces, because I loved him so much, but I just couldn't go on living like I was with him. I DID say some really mean things to him too, similar to the things your ex said to you, very hurtful words. It's because it is so infuriating being on this side of it. I never really had a great understanding of his disease until after we split, and probably still don't. But at the time, when we were still together, and right after we broke up, it is SO SO SO hard to understand someone when they tell you that they love you, that you're the most important thing in their life, that they cannot live without you, but they treat you badly, they disrespect you, and they hurt you. It's SO maddening when you've poured your whole self into a relationship, and it fails anyway. I am not defending myself, I KNOW I shouldn't have said those very mean words to him when he's already down, but I was hurting SOOO badly myself, and I guess not really in my right mind either. I have apologized for saying things I didn't mean, but it doesn't make me feel any better about it. It broke his heart to break up too, but it had to be done. When you said in your letter, "You might ask me if I loved you so much, then why did I hurt you, and why did I do those things to you.", It really hit home for me. I DID ask my ex those exact questions, and he didn't have answers. Just that he didn't want to hurt me, and that he didn't know why he treated me like that. He told me he would change his ways, and get sober, and prove to me that he really loved me. By then it was just too late for me. I had asked him, begged him to change, to get help. But he wouldn't. I just couldn't believe that he was going to change at that point. When I started dating a new man, he was absolutely crushed, and he's obviously in a bad place to this day.

 

I wish he would write me a letter exactly like yours. I just always felt like he never "felt" anything. He just always brushed everything off, and showed little to no emotion over everything. He didn't really SHOW me that he was heartbroken when we broke up, he just TOLD me. I asked him those questions, and although he's apologized to me over and over again, it always felt so hollow. Obviously, I hope and pray for him to get help everyday, I hate that he lives his life like that, and I know that I will never get a letter like yours until he does decide to help himself. (and maybe not even then.)

 

So, GOOD FOR YOU! Really!! It takes a lot of courage to face your own demons. Keep up the good work!! And thank you again for shedding some light on the opposite side of my situation, and thank you for your kind words.

[broken1414]

PS - I also wanted to say that even though I love your letter, and wish my ex would write me one exactly like it, I think you should try really hard not to have any expectations if you do give it to her. If my ex wrote me that letter, it would mean the whole world to me, but I am in love with a new man now, and I won't allow my ex to jeopardize this great new relationship I am building. I still care deeply for my ex, and only pray for good things to come to him, but he is my past, not my present, nor my future. That being said, the letter wouldn't mean any less to me, it would bring me great understanding and closure.

[wlaney]

broken1414: No prob, because it is the truth. And although it kills me thinking about her with someone else, especially being intimate, what is most important is my sobirety. Because I am not good to anyone drunk. And I dont want to go back to that Hell again. And it is pure Hell. Believe it or not, addicts do have a conscience. We are good people and want to do the right things. In our disease it becomes hard. When we screw up it just makes it that much easier to back to where we were. Called the vicious cycle.

 

But of course we want back what we lost, especially if it was as sweet and loving as mine was. We never fought, argued or anything. And we were truly happy. I was a jerk behind her back and killing myself. In the mean time ruining what she and I had. Without reading between the lines, all those miss you's reiterates how badly I screwed up. I didnt mention anything about getting back together. I dont expect her to come find me, rip off my clothes and eveything is going to be okay again. And she probably hasnt thawed out yet so my gut says. I will just keep praying about it. And when the time feels right, I send it to her. A written letter goes much further than an email. For me its all in God's hands as how things will end up. Because trust me. When asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, it was not: "Dad, I would love to be an alcoholic, ruin beautiful relationships, steal from people we hold near and dear to our hearts..." It happened that way in order for me to become closer to what is most important.

 

I am just blessed to have had her in my life. Or maybe if it is somebody elses plan in the future. Just not right now.

[wlaney]

Plus I hate seeing those Zales or Jareds commercials. I was about to propose to her in Hawaii. Had it all planned out with a zip line tour with her friends and parents. She went and I stayed. I deserve what I had coming to me.

[LaKings55]

Plus I hate seeing those Zales or Jareds commercials. I was about to propose to her in Hawaii. Had it all planned out with a zip line tour with her friends and parents. She went and I stayed. I deserve what I had coming to me.

 

Jewelry commercials are just annoying in general. They just seem to send the message "she won't love me unless I shower her with expensive and shiny things." That's a whole different thread though, lol. So, what's your current plan? Re-write it and send it? Or hold off?

[wlaney]

So far hold off. My gut feeling is that she has not thawed out yet. If I were to try and contact her now I may get no where. And get me back to drinking. The its off to the races. I may rewrite it several times. But for now it is saved. I honestly wanted feed back from the group.

 

When my gut feeling and my sponsor says now might be a good time then I will. Plus she is dead last on my amends list. I have a long one. By the time I get to her, I will have more sobriety, and a better spiritual foundation so I can accept the outcome for what it is.

[LaKings55]

Good plan. Make sure you expect no contact from her after you do finally send it. Really steel yourself, and make it a point no to check your phone, inbox, etc for a message from her. You've made great steps towards recovery from your problems, don't let something like a lack of response from her mess that up for you. You know wlaney, you're an inspiration. I think it's awesome how much determination, self-control and good will you have now. Keep on moving forward dude.

[wlaney]

Thanks! I wish my ex saw it that way. For now she doesnt. Or maybe she does. Who the heck knows and I'm going to leave it that way. But believe me. It is probably the hardest thing I have EVER gone through. Trust me. There are times when I just think awww to heck with it. But I dont...

[LaKings55]

Well, at least now you can give 100% in your next relationship, and leave the demons of the past behind. I know you still feel strongly for your ex, but however all this pans out, you seem well on your way to a fulfilling future, with new friends, dates, etc.