What are some personal tips and your ways to stay strong and NOT break NC?

[rebellefleur]

I've been broken up with my ex for two months now and we had contact like normal and after a lot of being led on and hoping for things that he just wouldn't give me, our break up turned hostile and messy. I called him today to settle things and make them civil between us, but i really want to go no contact. The only thing is, it is SO hard for me. I spent the past two months fighting so hard for him and trying to win him back, when i should have just let him be, maybe things wouldn't have been as hopeless as they are now.

 

How do you stay strong? What do you tell yourself to not break NC? I just want to keep texting him or calling him, he's absolutely all i think about even when i'm occupied. I'm hoping that the NC will make him miss me, since technically i've never given him space to. What do you think?

[Furbys]

You stay in NC by remembering what happened when you contacted them before, in your case there was leading on and it got messy. Just remember that you most probably will not get the response your hoping for when you contact an ex. If you feel the temptation to contact them then do something to take your mind of it.

[TessaB]

I'm in a similar boat. Been broken up after a 2 yr relationship for about month, havent talked for about 3 weeks. Honestly I don't know how I get through hours sometimes let alone days. I see friends all the time, I call my parents, I exercise, I read books on relationships (and this site!), I do arts and crafts, I started a journal about what I miss about the ex, what I regret and what makes me angry. Don't get me wrong, it's terrible. My breakup was sudden and unexplained (in my head). I still hold on to hope even though I know that's not healthy. But, I feel I'm doing all I can.

[johnnyp]

For me, what kept me in full NC back when I broke up with my last (serious) GF was that I realised that...

 

• My efforts to win her back weren't working, so it was time to let go
  
• I was losing diginity by contacting her all the time
  
• I wasn't respecting her enough to give her the space she wanted
  
• I wasn't giving her the space to start missing me
  
• I was holding back my own healing by not letting go
  
• I was getting tired of contacting her as it was just stressing me out
  

 

Once I stopped contacting her, I heard nothing for three months and then she started contacting me. And she's kept contacting me ever since!

 

Good luck Rebellefleur. NC can be really tough at first but it's the best thing you can do in a break-up. It gives you the space you need to heal and it gives them the space they need to miss you.

[RastaPasta]

What has helped me:

Remembering the annoyance and distance in his voice whenever we speak.

Remembering what a hassle it is to communicate with him.

Knowing that I am only prolonging my healing.

Having self-respect.

If something hurts, don't do it!

Respecting that he is now in a new relationship.

[KYRiverGrl]

Remembering that he dumped me for a mutual friend, so he's not worth any of my attention.

Remembering how he ignored my emotional needs while expecting me to support his.

Maintaining my dignity

Remembering that he's hanging around w/people who were his friends, not mine.

Remembering that I have to go "cold-turkey" from his sorry a$$ to heal from this.

[magnoliatree]

You fought for him for two months???? I mean really, do you want to spend another two months trying to convince some guy to like you and want to be with you? If he can't decide in two months, why do you even want him? You deserve someone who wants to be with you, someone you don't have to fight for. Stop. Just stop. Back away, and gather up your self-respect and heal. Forget this guy, all of this contact is just setting you back bigtime.

[meowmix88]

I've found it gets easier with time. My ex and I are almost 3 weeks NC. At first it was hell! Hell! I've stayed strong by remember that this space is good for him and me. He sent me a Thanksgiving text and I responded with "Thanks, you too!" and nothing more.

 

He said he needed space and until that changes, there is nothing for us to really discuss.

[emily2424]

i'm in the exact same position as you..

it's to a point where he thinks i'm obsessed with him but it's not even true. he's young, 17. he confuses love for obsession.. he doesn't know what he wants..

 

so what's keeping me going is that

-he doesn't know what he wants, and won't be able to clear his head if I'm constantly there

-he doesn't break it, so why should you?

-doing what you did before didn't work, so you gotta change it up

-everytime you think of him, text someone else.

-focus on how your happiness is important. I know with HIM you are happy, but you need to know you that you'll be okay, and you CAN be happy without him if you let yourself. you may not want to, but life is too precious to waste being upset over this stuff. You may get him back in time, but being upset and begging him won't get him back. so you might as well try and be happy for your own sanity!

 

you got this, stay positive!!

[TessaB]

Maybe think of it like this. If you knew there was only one thing you could do to get your ex back...you would do that thing, right? Tell yourself that thing is NC, and do it, because it is the only thing that will work. Then, it will either work...or maybe without knowing it, you'll be working on yourself and finally feel better to a point where you are in control. If he doesn't come back, that's fine because you will already be over it. If he does come back, then you have the power to say yes or no.

 

Obviously this is easier said than done, and I have to take my own advice since I am in your exact situation.

[Tom1990]

Maybe think of it like this. If you knew there was only one thing you could do to get your ex back...you would do that thing, right? Tell yourself that thing is NC, and do it, because it is the only thing that will work. Then, it will either work...or maybe without knowing it, you'll be working on yourself and finally feel better to a point where you are in control. If he doesn't come back, that's fine because you will already be over it. If he does come back, then you have the power to say yes or no.

 

Obviously this is easier said than done, and I have to take my own advice since I am in your exact situation.

 

That sounds like good advice, Tessa.

 

I just broke up with my last girlfriend less than a week ago, and it was the first relationship I felt was actually going anywhere. We tried to be friendly about it right off the bat (joking about the breakup, "Liking" our new relationship statuses on FB), but I realized immediately that NC would have to be the way to go. I've felt awful all weekend, and tomorrow I sit like 15 feet away from her at work, and have to listen to her coworkers make her laugh all day while I feel miserable.

 

Ultimately we should be doing this for ourselves, but in the weaker moments, sometimes we can tell ourselves this is for them. Besides, it sure beats the alternative!

 

Wish me luck. This is gonna be hard...!

[witchychick]

has anyone here had a ex to break up with them,say they needed time and then they ignored you if you tried contacting them? If so,did they start contacting you again?

[Bolegged04]

Yes witchychick..I did. Its my recent ex. He told me he needed space on August 15, I contacted him three times after that, and he ignored me all three times. I went into NC and he finally contacted me Nov 8 and havent stopped yet. I always reject his calls or let it go to voicemail.

[rebellefleur]

You guys scare me, i always hear stories about people going NC for months. I can't even imagine that. I'm only on day 2 of NC and as soon as i wake up, i'm sick to my stomach over thinking about him. This is the hardest thing. Months of it?! I keep hoping in a few days or a week he'll come running back, but that's wishful thinking.

 

I just will never understand how one person can be so in love and miss the other so desperately, and the other person is just fine with no pain or hurt, just goes on living happily.

[KronicMan]

i think a good way to get through this, is if you have ever cut someone off yourself, whether it be friend or lover. i know i have cut off some people i had no romantic feelings for, and i walked away without ever looking back, while the other person was hurt. now im on the other end of the stick--so different people have different feelings with different situations

[mhowe]

No one worth having comes running back in a few days --- really, even a few weeks. You need to stop thinking about the relationship (or the ex) every waking minute. Get a new hobby, pour yourself into work or working out -- but you've got to change your focus. Try this --- fine yourself a dollar every time you think about your ex. You have to put it aside, physically --- at the end of the week, take the $$ and treat yourself to something special!

[johnnyp]

You guys scare me, i always hear stories about people going NC for months. I can't even imagine that. I'm only on day 2 of NC and as soon as i wake up, i'm sick to my stomach over thinking about him. This is the hardest thing. Months of it?! I keep hoping in a few days or a week he'll come running back, but that's wishful thinking.

 

I won't sugar-coat it, NC can be incredibly hard at first and can take a huge amount of willpower and strength, but the old cliche that it gets easier with time is SO true and then one day you wake up and realise that you feel no need to contact them anymore and it's all plain sailing after that. And the confidence that it gives you to learn that you can be strong enough to walk away from someone you wanted so much is amazing. It also makes it so much easier if you ever go through a break-up again, as you now know that someone else can't make you happy, only you can, and that trying to convince someone to stay with you is a futile effort that just pushes them away faster. Good luck and keep yourself as busy as possible to keep your mind off this guy...it will get so much easier soon, I promise.

[witchychick]

Yes witchychick..I did. Its my recent ex. He told me he needed space on August 15, I contacted him three times after that, and he ignored me all three times. I went into NC and he finally contacted me Nov 8 and havent stopped yet. I always reject his calls or let it go to voicemail.

 

I hope I hear from my ex-I cant stand this. But the thought of ignoring him if I do is nice,at least for awhile. But yeah he is ignoring me and not contacting me and he said he needed time before.

[witchychick]

its different and easier to cut a friend off,though

[witchychick]

oops,that was to KronicMan

[tomtommyboy]

I don't know all the details of your situation but basically the power of going NC will only become clear to you when you 100% do it. He may get in touch, he may not, but really it's all about you finally taking control of the situation and actually making decisions that are good for and important to you.

 

I know only too well how easy it is to be obsessed with someone else, but ultimately it's a question of self-esteem. You shouldn't be dependent on someone else for your sense of self-worth, nobody should, and those kind of obsessions are the basis of deeply unhealthy relationships.

 

The trouble is I suspect you're young and this is one of your first breakups, so you won't be able to have a sensible perspective yet. Believe me though, the only way out is through, so grieve this relationship and fully feel the pain of it but accept it's most likely over from what you've said. In the longer run, a major heartbreak is one of the most important things in making you strong, and able to really understand and engage in mature adult relationships...in my opinion of course.

 

In terms of staying strong - I guess my favourite phrase was "play the movie to the end". What happens when you get in touch? What is he really likely to do / say? Deep down you know the answers to those questions, and they're probably not so great. So stick with the profound discomfort of not contacting...and in the long run you'll feel the power of it, I guarantee it. Even getting through it and achieving it brings its own small sense of self-worth.

[KYRiverGrl]

I am so hoping this is true, johnnyp. It's been 2 months since he dumped me and he still dominates my mind 80% of the time I don't know if I'll ever get over this. NC day 5.

[rebellefleur]

I already broke no contact, after a day and a half. I feel so ridiculous. To be fair, i was going to go no contact, but then i received a hostile text message from an anonymous number telling me that my ex was going around with another girl. I called him to find out what the deal was and who would do something like that. He said it was a lie and i'm sure it is, because people have been very immature with this whole break up and getting involved with out business.

 

But of course, talking to him about that led to me asking if he ever wanted to be together in the future which just made him mad and i had to hear all of the same old crappy things again. He constantly says his feelings have changed because of all of the hard things that happened towards the end of the situation, but still wants to be a part of my life. But i CANNOT be just friends and whenever i say that, he says "i don't mean just friends, but i don't know what i mean." It's so annoying. It always comes down to him just not wanting a relationship right now. When i ask about the future he always says he isn't worried about it or focusing on any relationship and he doesn't know what the future holds, but right now he doesn't want us.

 

He ended it by saying we shouldn't talk for a long time and he sounded annoyed/angry. So i guess i'm back to the first step with NC. It just sucks because the only reason i'm even trying for NC is because i hope in the end it will make him miss me or something, and that's a terrible way to go about it i'm sure.

[dobbin]

think of all the degrading, nasty, undeserving, rude, ungrateful things the other person said or did to you

then ask yourself why you are wasting any of your time on them

[Mellie]

Delete their number from your phone. Delete all the emails, chats, whatever. Unfriend them on FB if you are friends there. Delete, delete, delete - you don't need any of that stuff anyways.

 

When you get tempted to send that one last text or one last email or one last letter or one last phonecall, ask yourself, are you actually saying anything new? If the 999 previous times you stated it were met with a nod or an "uh-huh" - worse than that - silence (or worse still - hostility), is it logical that saying it just one more time will bring about a different result?