TearsofFate Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 I've been extremely shy since kindergarten and probably before that. They say most kids grow out of it, but I never have. I am now 25 years old and have no friends. I am always lonely but when faced with another person (no matter how nice they are to me) I just want to make the interaction as quick as possible. I put on a quick smile and mumble something and am on my way. I can't make friends. I used to be able to make some friends in junior high school (that was the last time I ever had a best friend) and usually it was done by them constantly trying to talk to me. However, in high school that method failed to work any longer. I started to actually feel like I didn't want anymore friends. I don't know why. I just hung out by myself. I sang to myself and even talked to myself. I developed a sort of depression during that time. I became very rebellious to my mother, and cut myself a lot (this lasted 3 years or maybe longer) and then I stopped because I cared about my mom and wanted to try living. So on I lived and I don't get depression spells quiet as severe as that anymore. I don't cry all the time either. I've "matured" from that. However, I still get lonely and feel like I am living in a shell and I feel trapped. Even when I walk by a person outside I feel a great heaviness and I try not to look at people. I feel small. I feel ugly. I don't know why. I don't know if shy is the right word for it. I think it's social phobia. I don't "go blank" as much as I used to. I used to "go blank" a lot (my mind wouldn't know what to say) and then I'd be filled with extreme anxiety during the episode of trying to think of how to respond to the other person. Now I tend more to say what needs to be said, then move on and away from people. I keep my sentences short. Deep down I really want a way out. I want friends. I want to be able to get out of this shell and talk and be happy. Not only that, but I want to express myself in a good way (not mumbling, or in a negative way). I want people to like me. Some other problems I've had at some point are: Agoraphobia: Fear of going outside or leaving my safe zone. Lasted 4 years. I am over it for the most part. Fear of Showers, being on Buses, being in cars: I do well in buses and in the shower. Cars are 50/50 Fear of hospitals: This one is a major problem I still have (since I almost died in a hospital at 22) Panic attack disorder (used to get panic attacks all day long for 3-4 years) Couldn't leave the house, couldn't go to school, couldn't even go for a walk in the sun. sometimes I couldn't leave my bed and I'd go hungry for days. (90% better at this point in my life). I think I am ugly (I don't know why) I think I sound ugly (have always thought this) - used to get made fun of in school for my accent I am afraid to pursue and to make friends, or accomplishments in life. I have trichotillomania (compulsion to pull out my own hair everyday all day (for me it's my eyebrows and a few other places) I guess, I'm just wondering, has anyone else ever been anything like this all their life and got out of it somehow? Is there something wrong with me? I just want to be able to hang out with friends. I miss having friends. I forget what it's like at this point. I also feel I wouldn't make a very good friend. Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.