Trying not to be needy.

[blueidealist24]

There always comes this point for me when I've been talking to a guy that I start to become needy. At first, I let them initiate conversations with me and I don't text or message them online first. But then there comes this point, and it's after a certain period of time, differing with each guy, that I get really needy and have to REALLY restrain myself from messaging them all the time. I start to worry that the person doesn't like me anymore or is bored with me. I'm not sure if they really ARE starting to get bored, or if this is just in my head. Anyway, I've reached that point with the guy I've currently been talking to. I thought last night he wasn't responding as fast as usual or making as much effort to converse so I started worrying that he's losing interest, and as soon as I start to worry about that, I feel the urge to be VERY clingy and message all the time whereas I was playing it cool and letting him do the initiating in the past. I know if I become clingy he'll just go away completely since it's happened before, and I've really managed to stop the clinginess from surfacing as EARLY this time as when I was talking to other guys. It just drives me crazy, I wonder what he's doing and really badly want to talk to him lol, worry that he's not online on purpose because he doesn't want to talk to me, etc. How can I get over this and just stay cool and calm and not ruin things by jumping in his face and becoming an obsessive clinger?!

[oceandream]

Hi Blue,

It is good that you have recognized your problem, I too have been like this in the past. I think it is just a matter of keeping yourself busy with other things and allowing yourself to message a certain amount of times a day. It sounds like you have an anxious attachment style, you can google it and see if you can relate.

[offplanet]

It's not just a matter of restraining yourself from compulsively doing what you want to do, messaging him, it's a matter of changing some aspect of yourself so that you're not in that position of wanting to compulsively message him. What I'm trying to say is, it goes a bit deeper than that. It's about you not depending on him (or any guy) for your happiness, self esteem or excitement. It's not a matter of trying to 'not do something', ie. message him, it's a matter of 'doing something', more positive, for yourself, so that you're not just focusing on him, you're genuinely so interested in some other activity that you're not not even thinking of messaging him. It's a bit like the example of if you try not to think of pink elephants, you won't be able to stop thinking of pink elephants. But if you, instead of trying not to think of pink elephants, try to think of blue elephants, you will succeed in not thinking of the pink ones! (much better!) That's the psychology behind it. I hope this makes sense.

 

The activity could be anything at all. It could be a new interest you take up. It's something else to absorb you, apart from him. It's a different way of looking at things, so that 'a relationship with a guy' isn't the main concern of your life. To have other interests apart from 'relationships' will make you more interesting to him anyway. To have you not obsessively waiting on him to fulfil your emotional needs will make him more likely to want to seek you out. You already know it's counter productive to act clingy, so now think about trying to do something really productive and life changing about it, by seeking other sources (there are plenty) of fulfilment. It will kill 2 birds with one stone, it will make you happier yourself, and it will make you more appealing to him.

[im_the_undead]

This problem, initially, sucks. lol

I hate feeling that itchy feeling in my gut when the guy I like isn't giving me attention

when he had been previously giving me much ! It's annoying, I think they might do it on purpose just to see what's up with us.

But what I've learned is to just KEEP busy ! Keep busy, keep your mind busy, and don't be too available. If too much time has passed with no contact,

initiate a conversation first. But never, never, NEVER send texts back to back, especially not over 3. If he didn't respond to the first two, it's time to start getting busyyyyyyy with something else !

[blueidealist24]

This problem, initially, sucks. lol

I hate feeling that itchy feeling in my gut when the guy I like isn't giving me attention

when he had been previously giving me much ! It's annoying, I think they might do it on purpose just to see what's up with us.

But what I've learned is to just KEEP busy ! Keep busy, keep your mind busy, and don't be too available. If too much time has passed with no contact,

initiate a conversation first. But never, never, NEVER send texts back to back, especially not over 3. If he didn't respond to the first two, it's time to start getting busyyyyyyy with something else !

 

Lol well I never send even one message back to back, with this particular person. I have in the past with other people but never again. If I send one (which is rare because he usually has been initiating), I always get a reply and don't have to send two or three. Maybe I don't have as much to worry about as I sometimes think I do.

[Allyo]

Have you ever considered that there could be deeper issue or problem that is making you feel needy?

 

Not that you necessarily have a problem. But I remember reading somewhere that neediness can be inspired by a fear of rejection or bad past experiences where your advances or wants and needs were rejected by someone else. That seemed to be pretty spot on for me at least. I think of a lot of the neediness I used to feel was inspired by a bad past relationship and a fear of further rejection, but simply recognizing it helped me a lot.

 

Side note: I might be one of the few people of my generation that hates texting! I think it really complicates relationships!

[Batya33]

If you don't act on the neediness that's wonderful and each time you remind yourself that you're not a prisoner of your emotions. Is it possible that in many of these cases your neediness is simply a sign that the guy's level of attention is either waning or seems insincere -meaning a lot of attention up front but without the staying power needed for long term?