Breaking up.....to make up???

[BitterSweet12]

Well, me and my ex boyfriend officially broke up in early June...but have been seeing each other since. We know we're not together. We're both not seeing anyone else (this i know, because we're pretty much with each other on an every other day basis.) The question is...I don't know how to feel. We've been together for close to 3 years and the reason why we ended in the first place is because we wanted a break (but since then we haven't been able to stay away from one another). I do want more from him, i would love to be in a relationship again with him.... but I know that we're both not ready to fully commit to the relationship. I guess the question is, should i try to initiate the no contact rule? (we have tried doing so in the past, but somehow always found a way back to each other.).

 

overall, the relationship with him is great! I guess, we got into that comfort stage where we lost the spark of being "romantic". I don't know what to do or how to feel about wanting to continue what we're doing? I don't know if i should feel wrong for just settling in this "gray" area between friendship and a relationship.

 

I'm not sure if this makes any sense...Pls feel free to ask me questions if it doesn't.

[someguy03]

Just using eachother for attention and sex?

 

I know that we're both not ready to fully commit to the relationship

 

Why?

[chr8st8na]

Why don't you just ask him how he feels about being back in a serious relationship before taking extreme measures??

[BitterSweet12]

Just using eachother for attention and sex?

 

It's actually not all about sex or attention. We're just so comfortable with each other that its hard to break away. We're each others best friends. I have asked him about his feelings and he said that he honestly is still in love with me, but he wants to know that this is what he wants before making things official again. (which i totally understand we're in our late 20's and we can't just stay in a relationship without knowing FOR sure FOR sure that this is what we want) because a couple more years we're going to be 30 and need to commit. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.

 

SO i was just wondering if,

since he wants to make sure that this relationship is what he wants for the long run, how can i make it easier for him to see that? By seeing him everything day im sure is not helping. (thats why i was suggesting the no contact rule, maybe that might help)

[chr8st8na]

I have asked him about his feelings and he said that he honestly is still in love with me, but he wants to know that this is what he wants before making things official again. (which i totally understand we're in our late 20's and we can't just stay in a relationship without knowing FOR sure FOR sure that this is what we want) because a couple more years we're going to be 30 and need to commit. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.

 

His reason sounds kind of like an excuse... I mean, Duh that's why you become exclusive and get a feel if this person is the person you want to settle down with. When it's not exclusive, it leaves a lot of gray areas and that's where you guys are. This gray area that usually just harbors old fears and perpetuate it.

 

I think it's up to you if you want to stick around and hope that he sees all that you do for the relationship. BUT if you already know that it won't change a thing, then maybe it's time to tell him it was a great run and go NC.

[chr8st8na]

Also when I mean exclusive, I mean BF-GF.

[BitterSweet12]

I don't know if things will change...that's my problem I guess. I believe that within time......things will reveal itself. I'm still unsure what i want to do, we've kept in contact because I'm going through a little too much right now and he's always there to listen. He is overall my best friend.

 

Is it possible to just keep things platonic? If we're still in love with each other but decide that we're not ready to commit? Can we still remain friends? ( i don't know if i can do this for if i heard him talking about being with another girl it would kill me).

 

I definitely want to give it a try, can anyone share any stories if any...that is similar to my situation?

[chr8st8na]

Can you guys be platonic?? Depends how attractive you two are w/ one another. Sometimes I think thats why people stay in the gray area (like I mentioned in my prior post) because they (or one of them) still want the intimacy of physical and sensual pleasures that's not offered by friendship.

 

I think if you want to try and be friends without benefits then give it a try. I have done it but from my experience it's easy when you are not attracted to them, but it is very hard if you two got a lot of sexual chemistry.

[Dezireey]

I think the overall impfression from your post (and it's something that you are not admitting to yourself) is that;

 

a) you obviously want to be in an exclusive relationship with him

b) you obviously still love him and also in a sexual way

c) you would be heartbroken if he were seeing someone else.

 

You are denying whats really going on here and that is that you are settling for this situation because you care and he is doing whatever he feels like doing. Seems to me like he is stringing you along and you have convinced yourself that you agree with that, which I don't think you do, do you?

 

I say yes, go No Contact and stay away from each other for a while. You both need to be on the same page and he needs to realise that this set up can't go on indefinitely. How would you seriously feel if he turned round tomorrow and said he has met someone else and then within a few weeks, went 'exclusive' with her? He could just answer your questions with 'well, we weren't exclusive, so....i can see who I want...' And then you would feel used and a bit of a fool. Take the blinkers off and see the situation for what it really is. You wouldn't be on here asking for advice if you were quite contented with the set up.

[winniethepooh]

Well, me and my ex boyfriend officially broke up in early June...but have been seeing each other since.

Then you're not properly broken up.

 

We're both not seeing anyone else

Until you meet someone else you want to see.

 

The question is...I don't know how to feel.

You feel what you feel, that's not something you decide. What you can do is figure out why you feel a certain way and then decide what to do about it.

 

We've been together for close to 3 years and the reason why we ended in the first place is because we wanted a break

Why did you want a break? Did you both want that?

 

(but since then we haven't been able to stay away from one another).

Then it's not a break.

 

I do want more from him, i would love to be in a relationship again with him....

Does he want to be in a relationship with you? Usually a relationship only has a chance of working out if both people want to be in it.

 

but I know that we're both not ready to fully commit to the relationship.

What does that even mean? Are you ready to half-commit? Quarter-commit? I dunno, to me either you want to try and have a relationship or you don't. Ok, sure, when you first meet someone, you want to find out a few things before you know if you're ready to try and have a relationship with them, but after 3 years together, you and he are way past that stage.

 

I guess the question is, should i try to initiate the no contact rule?

Depends. What is your motivation for going NC?

 

overall, the relationship with him is great! I guess, we got into that comfort stage where we lost the spark of being "romantic".

Well, that's common. It's up to the two of you to become more or less romantic from there.

 

I don't know if i should feel wrong for just settling in this "gray" area between friendship and a relationship.

If both of you are happy with this "gray" area then I guess it isn't right or wrong, it's just what you want. But irrespective of anything you said, just the fact you are posting here indicates to me you are not happy with that.

 

I'm not sure if this makes any sense...

Ha ha, not much, no. But I don't think it makes much sense to you either

 

Is this a convenient situation for him? He gets to string you along and have his desires satisfied while he keeps his eye out for someone else? How will you feel if he says he can no longer see you because he's met someone that he does want to have a relationship with?

 

At the moment I think you can choose to continue in this mixed up situation or let go completely and leave him alone. If you want a proper relationship with him, you could try and tell him that clearly but I suspect you're not going to get a positive answer, in which case you will have to let him go.

 

I have asked him about his feelings and he said that he honestly is still in love with me, but he wants to know that this is what he wants before making things official again. (which i totally understand we're in our late 20's and we can't just stay in a relationship without knowing FOR sure FOR sure that this is what we want) because a couple more years we're going to be 30 and need to commit. I'm not sure if that makes any sense.

You don't figure out if you want a relationship together by not having one. You figure that out by trying to have one.

 

SO i was just wondering if,

since he wants to make sure that this relationship is what he wants for the long run, how can i make it easier for him to see that?

By saying if he wants to try and have a relationship then that's what you and he should do. If he wants to figure it out on his own then you will respect that by leaving him alone but you're not going to sit around and wait for him so it's possible that by the time he's figured it out, you might not be available for a relationship with him anymore.

 

By seeing him everything day im sure is not helping.

No, it's not.

 

Is it possible to just keep things platonic?

Not usually. You have to break up, get over it, then decide if you want to have a friendship. You've been trying to have some sort of platonic relationship and it's not working for you.

 

If we're still in love with each other but decide that we're not ready to commit? Can we still remain friends?

That's the same question. Same answer.

 

( i don't know if i can do this for if i heard him talking about being with another girl it would kill me).

And that's a good reason why you need to disconnect from him completely if you and he are not going to have a relationship.

 

I definitely want to give it a try,

Try what? This gray area you're in? You've already tried and it's not working for you

 

There is one kind of break that is suggested in a book often mentioned in this forum (I don't remember the title). It's something along the lines of a month apart, no dating, chasing, or intimacy with other people, no contact during that month. Maybe that's something to consider. Personally I would be uncomfortable with that idea, especially because I'm getting the feeling this guy is messing you around a bit. Or a lot.