Curious about fighting

[northernlights]

This is just something that's been bugging me, because I've never had a fight with my boyfriend before. We've been going out for about 3 months so maybe we're still in that honeymoon period thing or whatever or maybe it's because we're both really laid back people. (I never really have fights with friends either unless they pick it first)

 

So my curiosity is...is this normal in a relationship? I've heard that fights make your relationship stronger and that couples who don't fight are weird, aren't really close with each other, etc.

 

My friend even told me to pick a fight because it feels so good once you make up and I think that's a little crazy...

[RayKay]

Well, it all depends what you mean by fighting.

 

Effective "fighting" or discussions bring resolution to a problem, open communication up, and can bring a couple closer as they touch each other emotionally, or weave the experiences together. They are usually about something important, or the parties can at least figure out that the fight is symptomatic of something deeper bothering them, and work to solve THAT core issue.

 

However, fighting for the sake of fighting, without it going anywhere just creates negative energy. Sometimes people fight over things that are only a hint of the true problems. Or they are petty, nagging, bickering. This is ineffective fighting.

 

Since you have only been together 3 months, I would not go picking a fight..I am sure at some point you will both disagree over SOMETHING or other - when you get close to someone, it usually happens as you learn to figure one another out

[OceanEyes]

Arguments may bring you closer together at first because it feels so good to make up, but believe me, they take their toll and it gets harder and harder to actually make up, especially if the two of you are not fair fighters (name calling, disrespecting, being abusive, etc.).

 

Three months is nowhere near enough time to start arguing seriously with someone. After you've been together for 6 months or more is when the real attachment to him will begin and make arguments flow much easier.

 

Don't let anyone tell you that happy couples never argue. That's crap. Arguments will allow you to learn more about him, what really gets under his skin, what makes him tick, etc. Also, you can learn a lot about a person by how they handle themselves during an argument.

[Mermaid]

Once again, I'm in agreement with OceanEyes.

 

Just because two people are in a loving relationship, it doesn't mean they won't fight--most of us retain our humanity even once we're no longer single.

 

That said, it really is about three things--why you fight, how often you fight, and how you resolve fights. And couples that don't fight are the ones I'd worry about--after all, if everything is too perfect, then someone is obviously holding back.

 

My parents' marriage is a prime example of this. When they were wed, my mom was coming from a situation in which her parents fought so much, and so severely, that she vowed never, ever to fight in her own marriage. So she didn't--and my father walked all over her (they ultimately divorced when I was two).

 

As you can see, there are two extremes--both of which are destructive. So the moral of the story? Happy couples don't fight often, but they do fight.

[moleculo]

Yeah, fights are a natural part of any relationship...the closer you are the more things you will fight about I've found...If you're fighting all the time then you may need some help with your relationship. But fights are a fact of life...they help you grow and understand each other.

 

But they ain't fun or easy, so don't go looking for them. I had my first fight a week into my first relationship...I felt like my entire life dripped away.

[Mermaid]

Yeah, fights are a natural part of any relationship...the closer you are the more things you will fight about I've found...If you're fighting all the time then you may need some help with your relationship. But fights are a fact of life...they help you grow and understand each other.

 

But they ain't fun or easy, so don't go looking for them. I had my first fight a week into my first relationship...I felt like my entire life dripped away.

 

This goes along with what OceanEyes was saying--there is also a point in a relationship where it's way too early to fight, and the first week more than qualifies. If a couple begins fighting that early, it's not a great sign (no offense).

[kauaiangirl83]

What's the difference between a fight and an argument?

[moleculo]

No offense taken...We had been friends for a year and a half before dating and certain things had to change as a result of the new dating scene...I wasn't too quick on the uptake.

[candianeh2000]

I think the issue kauaiangirl83 raises is a very good one. The contrast of a fight versus and argument. Personally, I would consider a fight what one of the previous posters described as ineffective fighting--i.e. name calling, abuse (physical or verbal), etc.

 

On the other hand, any time 2 people spend a lot of time with each other (even just friends) of course they will argue over issues because no 2 people have exactly the same viewpoints of the world. This is what I would call arguing. When you just disagree with something. But at no point are the 2 people cursing at each other or so much as angry at the person as much as they are the topic of discussion.

 

Of course, these 2 things are not entirely discreet and there can clearly be some overlap.