damnyoumind Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 7 months now and he is an AMAZING guy without a doubt. However, i have HUGE insecurities, and i dont know where they come from. Things like getting anxious and wanting to go through his laptop and his cell when he is in the shower or while he is at work. SO FAR i have restrained myself from doing so.....but its getting insanely hard. He was with his last gf since he was a senior in high school and actually married her. He is now 26 and they just got seperated and divorced a few months before we started dating. He said she was a B***h and that she treated him like crap and cheated on him as well. I worry ALOT that he will go back to her or that he misses her alot just because they had such a long history together. i mean that was most of his life there. He also says before her in hs he had tons of partners and threesomes and then when he got with her he said during the span of his relationship he NEVER EVER cheated. which isnt my problem. but for some reason i worry he will cheat on me. he said he is not like that........and that when he makes a promise he keeps them....but for me its a "heard that and been burned" before sort of line. i have heard it ALL. i have been cheated on sooooooo many times that i am pretty sure i have literally heard every line in the book about how they wont cheat and they arent like that and blah blah blah.....anyway.......my bf is very respectable....but he says i am everything he has ever wanted....i dont get upset when he makes comments about beautiful girls or makes funny comments about sexual stuff.....but it seems like * * * * s, boobs all those things are always on his mind and he makes dumb comments about them. he has never done anything to make me think he is doing anything shady. in fact he always has his phone on and leaves it laying around me........he checks his texts and his facebook around me with no fear and he leaves himself logged into his email and his facebook on his laptop where i can easily open it when he isnt home and have free reign to go through his stuff. my question is.......does he leave himself logged in because he has nothing to hide...or because he wants me to THINK he has nothing to hide therefore making it to where i would have no reason to want to go through it????? i know, i probably sound crazy. i had a really rough upbringing..parents divorced at 8.........tons of bad relationships with cheating and beating.....but is it possible that this guy i am dating now is really a great guy and has nothing to hide??? my heart wants me to believe so...but my head is telling me to beware. i watch everything he does...its ridiculous.....like if his phone gets a text and he is going back and forth my mind automatically thinks the worst. i am so bad that i look at receipts i find and wonder where they are from and look for things to find. i dont know why i do it...i think my mind believes that if i dont look for things then i will be blindsided....and by looking it saves me time from wasting with someone if they are gonna hurt me. i would rather find it then wait and find out later that they did. he told me "if there is something you need to know i will tell you". meaning if someone texts or messages him or something happens that is shady or inappropriate he will tell me. He tells me everytime his ex wife has texted him even if its just for paperwork.....and he isnt even around me when it happens.....he is at work....and takes his time to let me know. so why am i so worried?! why do i keep digging for the bad? he tells me that my distrust and nagging and questioning is slowly pushing him away!!! help me! i dont want to lose him...what can i do to keep these evil thoughts and everything from destroying us! from ME destroying us! i even try to piece together things fromt he past to catch him in lies...and i still have not found A THING that he has lied about or done wrong........ADVICE PLEASE! Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 It's funny, because you are perfectly aware of what your doing - but your choosing to do it anyways. ie not trust. You want to break what's not broken. Self-Sabotage. You just can't seem to believe that this guy is for real. It's almost like you want that Aha! moment, where you have caught him cheating. Stop looking for it, because it's not there. Link to comment
damnyoumind Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 you are right. i am totally aware that i am doing it. i just dont know how to stop my mind from over analyzing and looking into EVERYTHING!!!!! i find myself looking over his shoulder when he is on the laptop or when i go to take a shower i want to come right back out just to see if he grabs his phone. At night he will sit up and look over the bed at his phone to see if its blinking i think or if he as a message, even though he says he is just checking the time or what not. i just feel like there has to be SOMETHING he is doing wrong or i wouldnt feel this way and i am having a hard time distinguishing between paranoia/anxiety and intuition. Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 I'm going with your anxiety, which is triggering your paranoia. This must be exhausting for you, so you really just need to stop it. It's a very good sign that he is continuously reassuring you that you have nothing to worry about. You have to realize that not all guys are going to cheat on you like your ex's have. But he's probably going to get to the point where he's going to tell you to shove it, if you continuously keep talking about your trust in him. Try and enjoy your relationship now, instead of being a police detective all the time. Link to comment
damnyoumind Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 haha. its funny that you say that because he tells me that i act like CSI constantly trying to find something wrong. he is like "we are perfect for eachother and there is nothing for you to find just relax". and i try to. but yes it is VERY exhausting......i just want to be happy. your advice is very much appreciated it really helps alot to talk to someone that is on the outside looking in instead of friends that know either one of us. Thus far i have found NOTHING that proves he is a bad guy...so youre right...its time to trust and just let go! Link to comment
DylanNotorious Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Yes please do that, and come back to talk about things. But he sounds like a good guy, so trust! trust! trust! Link to comment
Mr Man Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Keep this in mind: You say you've been cheated on lots and that you have been beaten - they are abusive relationships. People are complicated. Sometimes people who have been abused begin to feel worthless and begin to feel more comfortable being in an abusive relationship - they aren't used to being treated well (normally) and almost feel like something is missing when they are. The thing they feel is missing is abuse becuase that is what they are used to. It seems like you're looking for abuse. It seems like you're looking and almost hoping that he is disrespecting you so you can say 'see, I knew it!' There are a lot of idiots out there who abuse and cheat, but there genuinely are some of us who don't! I don't want you to feel too bad about this, but consider that maybe you are disrespecting your boyfriend's character by being suspicious of him. I know it may seem like you can't help it, but if a woman was constantly accusing me or showing that she didn't trust me, I'd feel insulted. The truth is this: He could be cheating, anyone could be,. but he probably isn't. You can either live your life closed up and not trusting anyone, or you can be brave, open up and give yourself the opportunity to experience something honest and pure. I was cheated on in my last relationship and it's horrible. I could easily think 'I'm never trusting anyone ever again', but that would only diminish myself - I deserve better than that. I accept that maybe my next partner will cheat because it's something anyone can do - but no way am I ever going to be cynical and expect it - it's just a ridiculous way to live. There are people out there who won't disrespect you and who will not cheat. You've been unlucky in the past but you're clearly with a great guy who has no bad secrets. Him being open with his phone, facebook and everything else is a really good sign. You are worthy of a man that treats you well and you deserve better than a man who abuses you. I really hope it works out well for you both. Best wishes Mr Man Link to comment
damnyoumind Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 thank you so much mr. man that really all does make sense. ever since i was little i have been a "worrier" and i really need to let go and enjoy life. i dont know of one day that has gone by with my bf where i dont worry about something in our relationship. i try hard not to ask him questions because i know it drives him insane and he is trying very hard to help me out, but he says there is only so much he can prove or do to help me that i have to help myself. which is completely right....and i know that. but the means of doing so are so hard. and you are so right that it is a ridiculous way to live, i am practically robbing myself out of enjoying something amazing! i will def take the words you have told me to heart thank you so much! everything helps. i think the reason why i am so down on myself is because the times i have let my walls down EVERY single guy has betrayed me and hurt me. so i keep these walls way high so if i get hurt i feel nothing. but i hate it. i want to be completely open to full love and this is def the guy i want to do that with. i think i just expect it because thats what i expected in all my relationships and it happened......so now i feel like if i sit and wait it will be a waste of my time....so i go looking for it. Link to comment
tracielee38 Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 @mr man, I'm in a similar situation.I loved your answer,seems like you are well educated and I need your advice. My BF doesn't share these things(cell phone,laptop,etc) with me he claims to be very private,has locks on them.. I always confront him,because I'm insecure due to the same lifestyle as damnyoumind's. Abusers,cheaters,etc. he also tells me I'm pushing him away with questioning him about things,but I feel if I can share everything with him he should with me.We live together im home always but he works alot .when he texts he hides his phone so I can't see who or what he is texting. Am I wrong to question him?Am I paranoid? He has not done anything wrong that I know of.I ask him if he is chatting with other females he said no, but I caught him the other day and confronted him at first he was gonna say no I wasn't . He always starts out with omg here we go again when I question him(which he did say.But when I had the proof up he had no choice,it was harmless talk but the fact he lies to me about that. He says it was his aunt but I saw other words not what he sent to her.He says I can ask him questions,but the answer is always going to be no,so with that said I have choose to stop asking questions because of his answers. Anyway we don't go anywhere.I have not really met anyone from his job. He is boring but I love him so much. Can you point me in the right direction? He is very good looking a weight lifter so that bothers me alot. We don't have a sex life really. He is not intimate at all or romantic. He was married but says his ex cheated. am I paranoid? He doesn't go out with friends or anyone,except back in March and when he did he never answered my calls which scares me because my ex husband did that to me when he was cheating on me. I don't feel he is cheating but I feel he may be lying and hiding things.. Please help if you can.Thanks Link to comment
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