My boyfriend says I can't show love, and I agree...

[Kamue]

We've been dating for three years and he's at the final straw. He says I don't treat him right, and I think its true. I don't know how to make him feel good about himself, to feel good in general. I have a thousand reasons why I'm no good at being affectionate, but it doesn't change things. We fight a lot about it, and I tend to become the victim. It was only recently that I figured this out but now I don't know how to mend three years of this agony. Can anyone help?

[2EvilEyes]

I've been seeing a counselor about my own relationship with my ex-fiance. We are going through the same negativity. The counselor says that we need to focus on the good stuff again, such as making a verbal effort to point out things that you like about the other person. She says "fake it until you make it". Meaning, even though you may not feel "loving" towards your partner, by saying things that are positive, it can help shift the negativity into something good.

 

You can say things like, "Honey, I really like the way you style your hair" or "I really liked how you keep your closet organized".

 

By focusing on every day boring things, outside of what you argue about, it helps lift the positive spirit back into the relationship. I bet you the comments will catch him off guard because he's probably expecting criticism from you.

 

Just try it and see what his reaction is. Say at least one good thing per day that you like about him.

[Moontiger]

Have you thought about seeing a therapist? I had/have a lot of issues (I'm sort of the extreme opposite of you, I lose myself in taking care of others) and therapy has helped a lot.

 

I would recommend you get both individual and couples therapy.

[Ms Darcy]

He's at his last straw? Is he threatening a break up?

[ncoconut]

Make it a point to compliment him on a daily basis. Tell him when he does something you like, etc. He will feel better about himself, thus making him feel better about you and the relationship. Physical touch is good too. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness, and relationships don't work very well unless both are happy. So, why not try and work on yourself because that's all you really can do. When he sees a change in you, things will change fast. Feeling good about yourself changes your words and actions. It makes everything better

[Kamue]

Thanks everyone. Ms Darcy, he is threatening to break up. He told me that the end of December he is going to brave it, and just leave. This is means no planing and barely any saving. I guess you're all right though, I need to prove that I care about him. I often fall asleep after work so there's a lot of him staying up, waiting for me, and me passing out on the couch. It disappoints him and me. I wake up the next day feeling angry and miserable and I know it hurts him sooo much. I just wish I could consistently pamper him. That's all I want to do. We used to be so in love, we were flawless to each other, then we moved to NH and both got demanding jobs and now I just can't keep up with him. We used to have sex 4 to 5 times (and I am not by any means exaggerating) a DAY! We were inseparable and couldn't get enough of each other. Now we sleep with different blankets.

I NEED TO STEP IT UP but for some reason I just forget or I'm tired... My excuses are starting to make even me angry. I'm just ranting now and I have no idea what my point is. This is really confusing me. I used to think he blamed me for everything, but now I realize that its been more me than him. I suppose I just have to focus and make a point to be all about him while taking care of myself.

[Ms Darcy]

While I think making an effort to be nicer and more caring is always good, I think you might be in a no-win situation. Now, he's judging you. If you aren't doing "enough" he can continue to lay into you. I'm not sure that's a great position to be in ... especially if he is actually done with you and is just gathering strength to leave. Just something for you to consider.