Do I respond to his email with some home truths or is silence the best option

[playstheblues]

Oh god, I don't know what I would have done without ENA in the last couple of months. I've had a terrible breakup and the back story is here if you are interested.

 

My ex has depressed and this is, in part, why we broke up - his decision. He was almost manic at the time. I've been very understanding/passive about the whole situation until last week when we had an argument brought about by him being very insensitive towards me after I have been as caring as possible. I asked him not to contact me again, and he has said ok. I know he is writing a goodbye letter and posting it to me along with some photos of his new niece. (We were together for 9 years and was good friends with his brother's wife who has just had a baby) I haven't received it yet but am in hell waiting for it to arrive. It should take about 3 more days if the postal service ever manages to get it here!

 

The thing is - I still want reconciliation - even after all this. I know I have to try to move on with my life which is why I requested No contact from him, but in reality, I also hope NC will give us both the time and clarity work through the issues. Maybe I'm delusional?

 

The question is, when the letter arrives, should I respond or just walk away? There are a few home truths I want to point out to him (at the moment it's like he can't see the forest for the trees in terms of why we had some issues - which of course he thinks he plays NO part in) or is it best just to read it and walk away knowing that it if he doesn't want to reconcile, it is probably the last time I will hear from him? I don't want to end on a bitter note, but I also don't want to be a doormat, which I have the tendency to do. I don't know if telling him a few things will make him see a different point of view, but I do think that when people hear the truth, it often resonates with them, but I also don't want to seem like i'm pushing even more, because I'm scared he will instinctively pull away. Any ideas?

[magnoliatree]

I don't think it's worth it to tell him off. He's not going to hear what you have to say and miraculously see the light. It'll feel good for a moment, but you will regret it especially because you want to reconcile. Self control is the best revenge and one of the things that really gets them thinking.

[abitbroken]

It is not up to you to be his counselor to anaylze things or tell him what his problems are. Focus on yourself, and on healing and gaining the confidence so in the future you attract and choose an emotionally healthy person who is capable of an open, give and take relationship. For whatever reason you continued to stay on this roller coaster, and its up to you to not ride one with someone else. I think that you may see this as a blessing in disguise at some point in the future. If he was that adamant on ending the relationship, there were other things going on that he has thought about long and hard. And better for him to leave you now than divorcing you later.

 

I think, from your other posts about talking about how long you were together, perhaps you think that "time put in" to a relationship = marriage versus the undeniable click some people have with eachother and it only being a matter of time.

 

I would NOT contact him at this point. He is expecting you to chase after him. I would work on your own healing and figure out who you are as a single woman.

[Awoken]

Have to agree with abitbroken.

 

Work on getting yourself sorted and don't contact him. Once you have sorted yourself out you will be in a better mental space to decided what to do about reconciliation. It may take weeks, months or years, but you will just have to be patient. It's a hard road too so make sure you have lots of supportive family and friends to help you on your journey

[playstheblues]

I don't think it's worth it to tell him off. He's not going to hear what you have to say and miraculously see the light. It'll feel good for a moment, but you will regret it especially because you want to reconcile. Self control is the best revenge and one of the things that really gets them thinking.

 

I think you are right. Sadly, he is not going to miraculously see the light. How long can someone go thinking that all their problems are caused by someone else? I'm more than willing to accept what I'm responsible for, but he seems to be kidding himself, grapsing onto the reasons he 'came up with' when we broke up (of course some of my faults played a part) but he hasn't seemed to have realised that his issues are also responsible for this! Will he ever figure it out? I guess I'm frustrated which is why I want to point them out to him, but if he isn't going to listen anyway, I suppose there is no point.

[playstheblues]

Once you have sorted yourself out you will be in a better mental space to decided what to do about reconciliation.

 

Thanks awoken. Unfortunately, what to about reconciliation is not up to me, because he doesn't want to reconcile at this point. I'm not sure he ever will, which really saddens me because he left without trying to work out our problems.

[magnoliatree]

I think you are right. Sadly, he is not going to miraculously see the light. How long can someone go thinking that all their problems are caused by someone else? I'm more than willing to accept what I'm responsible for, but he seems to be kidding himself, grapsing onto the reasons he 'came up with' when we broke up (of course some of my faults played a part) but he hasn't seemed to have realised that his issues are also responsible for this! Will he ever figure it out? I guess I'm frustrated which is why I want to point them out to him, but if he isn't going to listen anyway, I suppose there is no point.

 

 

People can go their whole lives without taking ownership and responsibility for their own actions. Just a sad fact. All you can do is better yourself and, if he never figures it out, you'll be happy to be without him. Because why be with someone who lacks the power of self-reflection?

[winniethepooh]

The thing is - I still want reconciliation - even after all this.

Why?

 

The question is, when the letter arrives, should I respond or just walk away?

If it's a goodbye letter, then don't reply, and leave him alone, especially because you say this ...

 

There are a few home truths I want to point out to him

Why? To change his mind? That's very unlikely. Write a response and file it away somewhere. If you send something like that, all it is likely to do is drain more energy for you, and push him away even more.

 

An exception might be if you are sure he is in possession of incorrect information ... about you, not him. Or there has been a major misunderstanding and he still has the wrong idea about your understanding.

 

(at the moment it's like he can't see the forest for the trees in terms of why we had some issues - which of course he thinks he plays NO part in)

If he thinks that, then I don't think there's anything you can do right now to change how he thinks, except nothing.

 

or is it best just to read it and walk away knowing that it if he doesn't want to reconcile, it is probably the last time I will hear from him?

It might be, it might not. But now you need to look after yourself and heal.

 

I don't want to end on a bitter note,

Ok, then either send nothing. Or send a short note that says thank you for the letter, you understand, and you will accept and respect his decision by leaving him alone.

 

but I also don't want to be a doormat, which I have the tendency to do.

Then concentrate on doing things that are not doormat behavior

 

I don't know if telling him a few things will make him see a different point of view, but I do think that when people hear the truth, it often resonates with them,

If it's their truth, and if they can see things objectively. I doubt he can at the moment, and I don't think you can either just now.

 

but I also don't want to seem like i'm pushing even more, because I'm scared he will instinctively pull away. Any ideas?

Leave him alone ...

 

I should say, I've only responded based on what you wrote here. I didn't look up your previous story, so I don't know how much difference that makes, but I thought there was enough information here for my comments.

[winniethepooh]

Unfortunately, what to about reconciliation is not up to me, because he doesn't want to reconcile at this point. I'm not sure he ever will, which really saddens me because he left without trying to work out our problems.

Ah, yes it is sad, and there is very little you can do to change that attitude now. The only thing I can think of is to do nothing, and leave him alone.

[Nick Lansing]

Respond to the letter if you feel a response is appropriate, but keep it short -- no more than a page -- and leave out the drama. If it's a goodbye letter, tell him you respect his decision and wish him well. After that, leave him alone and just heal. That gives you your best shot at reconciliation (because you can't change his mind -- he has to do that on his own) but more importantly, will hasten the healing process and preserve your self-respect. Try not to even think of reconciliation at all until several months have passed. He's not going to forget you, but you both need that time to process things and get yourselves together emotionally. After that, you may realize you don't want to get back together.

[playstheblues]

Thanks for all your help everyone.