Make plans for my next move...

[AnnaN]

Brief story. My bf of 4 years dumped me almost 4 weeks ago, out of the blue, with no previous sign or discussion, because he realized he doesn't know where he stands in his life, he doesn't like his career, his job, living with his parents at 31. He wants to be alone and figure things out in his life. Of course, I was the perfect girlfriend, it wasn't me it's him, he still loves me but he can't see himself commited with the life he has for the next years, he doesn't want a girlfriend for the next year, if he wanted someone, I would be the one. He actually seemed to be very upset and sad when he broke up with me. He said that 99% he will regret it, but it was his decision and he will live with that.

 

At the beginning I didn't believe all these, I thought he just wanted to make it easier for me. But I found out that there is no one else, he never goes out with his friends (all married and engaged), he only goes to work and spends the nights at home (his parents and sister live there, too). He never used facebook a lot, but for the first time he posted some quotes indicating that he is not happy with his life. Two days ago for example he posted this:

"we act without prior thinking, we are afraid to love and be loved, we leave because of fear and we finally die without having lived

 

I didn't press him or anything, I accepted his desicion, no crying, no begging. We spoke twice, once I called him the first days to see how he was doing, the second he called me after texting him a happy birthday message.

I am not planning to contact him soon.

After the first difficult weeks, I really feel better the last days, I have focused again on my job and my studies and I am not thinking of him all the time. I even got out and did some flirting this weekend.

 

But, I want to give it a try, without high expectations or hopes to get back with him. I plan to wait, so that I heal and feel better,too, let him think (if he thinks about our relationship), remain NC, and at some point start contact again and if it goes well ask him to meet me. Could that be of any success? In case of course he still wants me but he does nothing because of pride, or because he believes that I won't want him back. (he would have reasons to believe that, knowing my character, but it's not the case this time).

 

What do you think of this? Do you have any similar experience as a dumpee or dumper? I'm also interested in unsuccessful ones, I don't want to have false hopes any more.

How long should I wait? I don't want to do this too early, but not take the risk and be too late either.

(Of course the ideal would be that I will not be interested in him any more and I will not want to do any of these).

[magnoliatree]

Brief story. My bf of 4 years dumped me almost 4 weeks ago, out of the blue, with no previous sign or discussion, because he realized he doesn't know where he stands in his life, he doesn't like his career, his job, living with his parents at 31. He wants to be alone and figure things out in his life.

 

I think that this man has a lot of work ahead of him and isn't ready to be in any relationship so long as his life is unsettled like this. He knows this and wants to be alone. In this case, I really do think it's essential to let him come to you. Otherwise, you will just be another source of pressure in his life. I know that this is not what you want to hear, but just let him be. He needs to figure himself out alone.

[Awoken]

I am in a similar situation. Same time together (4 years) except massive age difference (shes 21 im 36). The other difference is her leaving for another guy.

 

Anyway, things did sound like they were amicable when you BU. It does sound like he genuinely trying to sort out his own issues with a little bit of space between you two.

 

Have you talked him about waiting for him to make a decision? Did you say to each other it's okay for us to date others? I guess knowing what 'rules' your BU entails will help both of you move on with your life until things look better

[hodgeheg]

I have no experience of this in terms of reaching an end to no contact but I think that setting a time limit on it may make you act irrationally.

 

I read "It's called a break-up because it's broken" and the only thing that I didn't find so helpful was the rule of 60 days no contact, because, for a while, day 60 became my only goal. As in, I was only able to deal with no contact because I was dreaming of the end of it, rather than using the time for myself.

 

It's hard to not see an end to no contact and so now I take it more each day at a time. I don't have a plan because I don't want to have to fight so very hard for someone who was not willing to fight for me.

[AnnaN]

I think that this man has a lot of work ahead of him and isn't ready to be in any relationship so long as his life is unsettled like this. He knows this and wants to be alone. In this case, I really do think it's essential to let him come to you. Otherwise, you will just be another source of pressure in his life. I know that this is not what you want to hear, but just let him be. He needs to figure himself out alone.

 

I welcome all opinions, as I said I don't need the false hopes any more.

I don't want to be a pressure. Just to let him know, somehow, that if he wants he can still fix things (I know that he won't do anything otherwise, he is a little stubborn himself and he knows about me that once he dumped me, I have a pride, I will move on without looking back no matter if it hurts). I just want to reestablish some contact at some point in the future.

[hodgeheg]

I just want to reestablish some contact at some point in the future.

 

I think this aswell. But it didn't do me any good when I started to put a deadline on it, then all I was thinking about was what I would say, what he'd say, the dream ending. And of course that isn't what would happen.

 

I am hoping that I will know when I am healed enough to be his friend, but I am completely prepared for this to be a year or so from now.

[AnnaN]

I am in a similar situation. Same time together (4 years) except massive age difference (shes 21 im 36). The other difference is her leaving for another guy.

 

Anyway, things did sound like they were amicable when you BU. It does sound like he genuinely trying to sort out his own issues with a little bit of space between you two.

 

Have you talked him about waiting for him to make a decision? Did you say to each other it's okay for us to date others? I guess knowing what 'rules' your BU entails will help both of you move on with your life until things look better

 

Things were indeed amicable, he said he wanted us to have a nice BU (!) because we had a nice relationship, there was no need to ruin all these years with bitter feelings or anger. There were no "rules", he said that he is not interested in relationships or women, he wants to be alone for a year or so. He never asked me to wait, he said that it would be very selfish of him and unfair for me, I deserve to be happy and get what I want in my life, not wait and allow other people to control my life.

He cares about me and want to have contact, even catch up for a coffee or drink after some time when it will be easier for both of us.

[magnoliatree]

I welcome all opinions, as I said I don't need the false hopes any more.

I don't want to be a pressure. Just to let him know, somehow, that if he wants he can still fix things (I know that he won't do anything otherwise, he is a little stubborn himself and he knows about me that once he dumped me, I have a pride, I will move on without looking back no matter if it hurts). I just want to reestablish some contact at some point in the future.

 

I'm telling you, trust me, if he really, really wants to contact you in the future, he WILL get in touch. I've dated stubborn men before who managed to put aside their pride when they wanted to get back together. Most dumpers know that if they want they can fix things they can reach out, but the truth is they don't contact because most of the time they just plain don't want to work anything out.

[Awoken]

Things were indeed amicable, he said he wanted us to have a nice BU (!) because we had a nice relationship, there was no need to ruin all these years with bitter feelings or anger. There were no "rules", he said that he is not interested in relationships or women, he wants to be alone for a year or so. He never asked me to wait, he said that it would be very selfish of him and unfair for me, I deserve to be happy and get what I want in my life, not wait and allow other people to control my life.

He cares about me and want to have contact, even catch up for a coffee or drink after some time when it will be easier for both of us.

 

Wow. This was about as amicable as you could get. If he is being absolutely honest then this is a great situation. BUT, be careful he could also be testing you! He might be saying "I don't want you to wait for me that would be selfish" but what he might mean is "If you start hooking up with other guys then obviously you don't love me as much as I love you!". So I guess just be careful. This just seems TOO amicable

[AnnaN]

Wow. This was about as amicable as you could get. If he is being absolutely honest then this is a great situation. BUT, be careful he could also be testing you! He might be saying "I don't want you to wait for me that would be selfish" but what he might mean is "If you start hooking up with other guys then obviously you don't love me as much as I love you!". So I guess just be careful. This just seems TOO amicable

 

We had talked about these things, regarding other couples, friends etc and I know his opinion. Once the girl hooks up with another guy, even if she was the dumpee and it's not serious and still wants the dumper back, (and the dumper wanted reconciliation, too) it's over for good, no second thought here... the dumper never cares about her again.

[magnoliatree]

We had talked about these things, regarding other couples, friends etc and I know his opinion. Once the girl hooks up with another guy, even if she was the dumpee and it's not serious and still wants the dumper back, (and the dumper wanted reconciliation, too) it's over for good, no second thought here... the dumper never cares about her again.

 

Maybe it's true for this guy (and if so yuck), but for many others totally not true. Not in my case or in the case of any of my friends. You have to live your life and if he really wants you back, he won't care that you moved on to date other people because this is what happens when you DUMP someone. Only an immature child would hold that against someone that they dumped.

[AnnaN]

Well, I believe there will be no happy ending but I don't want to be the exception here and learn from other people's mistakes. I want to make the mistake, and then come here, post the result of my attempt, write how awful and miserable I feel and that I will never contact him again...

 

I just want to find the right time to contact him again...

[magnoliatree]

Well, I believe there will be no happy ending but I don't want to be the exception here and learn from other people's mistakes. I want to make the mistake, and then come here, post the result of my attempt, write how awful and miserable I feel and that I will never contact him again...

 

I just want to find the right time to contact him again...

 

Well, best of luck with that.

[alertstatusred]

My ex broke up with me for similar reasons. There wasn't anyone else in the picture, he just didn't feel ready to be in a relationship. He holed himself up in the campus arcade, gaming all day long. There weren't any vague facebook statuses, but he posted entries in his blog saying he wasn't happy without me and questioned whether he had made a mistake. I took these all as good signs and contacted him. Everything seemed to be fine - we finally hung out, joking and laughing like old times. However, when I brought up getting back together, he said he still wasn't ready for a serious relationship and needed to be single. Ouch.

 

So, tread carefully. I would suggest that you let him contact you first. If you meet up with him...like you said, don't go in with high expectations. If he wants time to be single and sort his life out, allow him to do so.

[Jim Wormold]

Did you say to each other it's okay for us to date others? I guess knowing what 'rules' your BU entails will help both of you move on with your life until things look better

 

How on earth does an ex-couple, still hurting from their BU, talk about their new

potential dating lives/rules???

 

How are you even able to imagine such an idea? Wow.

 

Frankly, that's the last thing I want to know right now.

[AnnaN]

I am so confused... I was feeling ok when I wrote this, I knew I would be cool, keeping busy with other things and contact him at some point in the future, if I am still interested.

the last two days I was so angry with him, I'd like him to disappear and never know anything about him again! Today I feel so needy and desperate, like I want to read all the get-the-ex-back books, same with the very first days.

 

What should I do? He said he wants us to have contact, but not now, it's is difficult for him. Should I wait for him to contact? At least a how you are doing text? (if he ever does it). What if it would be too late then assuming that he contacts so it turned easy for him, he doesn't care any more.

 

I really want to try. I know I will be thinking it for ever if I don't do at least one try. I don't know how, I am scared I will make things worse and if there's a tiny possibility of reconciliation, I'll ruin it.

[Edmund Exley]

You arent confused, you are experiencing the different stages of grief that comes with loss. Even your siganture memoralizes the break up like a tombstone.

 

You've slide from bargaining/denial to anger (explaining how he hasnt moved on to someone else, how thinngs ended so pleasently) This is all normal when dealing with loss.

 

You need to stop focusing on reconnection, stop focusing on what he is doing that indicates that he may come to the realization he made a mistake, and start focusing on you and moving on. If he wants to come back around, it doesnt appear the door is closed for any reason, but staring at that proverbial door hoping he walks through it, or trying to call him to come through it, will do you no good. If or when he decides he made a mistake, you will hear from him.