AnnaN Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Background story, boyfriend of 4 years (we never had serious arguments, fights, we were in love and happy together), dumped me in one night, without previous indication or talking, because after 4 years in a relationship, he wants to be alone, he is not sure whether he is the relationship or commitment guy and wants to figure out other things in his life that he doesn't like, his career etc, still living with his parents at 31, he is confused and doesn't know where he stands in life. . He said he is not interested in meeting other women, he just wants to be alone for the next years, he loves me and cares about me, if he wanted a woman to spend his life with, I would be the one. He may regret it but it is his decision and he will live with that. I accepted it without crying, begging, I only asked him if he was sure. That was more than 3 weeks ago... I haven't seen him again. I called him once a few days later we had a casual how you are doing convo. And I also texted him a simple happy birthday message, he called me and he said he is doing nothing special, he just go to work, he asked about my job and studies and told me to focus on them. The first days I was a mess, I couldn't eat, or sleep. A week later, I started feeling a little better, went out a couple of times, started again doing my hair, my make up, girly things like that. Then I read many articles and some books about relationships and how to bring the ex back. All these made me feel better because they kept me hoping he will come back. Pretty bad thing... At this point, I still can do anything considering my job and studies. I can't concentrate and I have no motivation to do anything. It was actually the worst period to break up with me, I had a lot to do with my postgraduate studies, the last month was crucial, and I am afraid that now I am at a point where I can't go on any more, I may have to leave it although it was something I tried hard to achieve for the last two years. There might be still time but I really still can't do anything. Another thing is that these last weeks my two best girlfriends moved away because of their work, and they will be back in June... I feel so lonely, I have almost no one to talk, just my family but I don't want to keep showing my mother how miserable I still am About him, I know he stays in every night, he doesn't even go out on Friday and Saturday nights like he always wanted. He spends them at home (his parents and sister live there, too). So, there was no other woman, no desire to live the single life again. He preferred the "nothing" over me. I must admit I check some times his facebook profile. He had never written anything but yesterday he wrote something like "we act without prior thinking, we are afraid to love and be loved, we chose to leave because of fear and finally we die without having lived". I am at a point where I start thinking my life without him. Now I am not sure if I took him back in case he comes begging full of regrets... He made me suffer a lot and I know I would never feel secured and the same again. I am really upset about how he managed to affect the other aspects in my life, like my studies and projects and I am in a difficult position right now... The only moments that I completely forgot about him, was when I met someone and I liked him and we were flirting a little bit. But I didn't want to do a rebound thing just to feel better for a while. I was scared and let it go. I need a motivation to move on now that I am losing hope for good... Link to comment
WhenWillILove Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 It could be that he doesn't feel man enough for you. His career and income could be really affecting his self-esteem. Perhaps he feels you deserve a better man and by breaking it off now, he's sparing himself future pain. Who knows.... Link to comment
offplanet Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Try to finish your post graduate studies! You'll regret it if you leave them now, because of him, later when you feel better. It was good you were able to forget him for a while when you were flirting. That's a good sign! I remember back in my university days trying to drag myself through writing assignments when my heart was heavy due to my bf going off with another girl. One day in the future this guy won't mean anything to you, but you will have completed your studies! Don't let him rob you of that. 'This too will pass'. Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 WhenWillIlove he did said that I deserve someone who know what wants in his life, is sure about commitment and marriage and is capable of doing this. We never talked about marriage, I thought we were happy as we were at that point. We were making plans as a couple without including marriage yet. I was surprised he talked about it and I considered it another excuse. It was easier than saying I found someone else, I want to be single partying with my friends etc. But now I have realised he doesn't do any of these things. offplanet I know this is the right thing to do. I have already missed deadlines, assignments, I don't know if there is a way to fix things now, and if there is one, it will be difficult and I should start immediately, and I don't feel strong enough to get through this... Link to comment
offplanet Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Yes, start immediately to fix things, with your assignments. Start and all out last ditch effort to get them done. Justs think how good you will feel to get it over with. You might be able to get special consideration to hand them in late. Give yourself treats while you do them. And let us know how you go. Good luck. Link to comment
John3572 Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Finish school, speaking from experience, don't let your studies suffer because of a breakup. No one is worth more than having a degree, no one. Some people are opposed to taking a break from a relationship. Often women use the "all or nothing" ultimatium when a man wants to take a break. He may have known you wouldn't have gone for taking a break or pulling things back so he had to end it. He did what was best for him, now you have to do what's best for you. You said you did not think about him when you met a new guy. I suggest you do more of that and stop contacting your ex. Nothing can be gained from it up assuring him that he can have you back if he chooses. Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 Almost 4 weeks... It doesn't get any better... I thought I was doing better, the last two days all I was feeling for him was anger and I thought I'd never want to look back. I called him names, thinking how the hell he did that all of a sudden, he never appreciated what I did for him, he was a liar, a psycho for never showing a sign that he wanted to break up... The days I was angry I was at last able to concentrate on other things, work, start writing an assignment for the university. But this morning I woke up again with the same mood, with the sense of anxiety. I feel so stressed, I can't do anything, just sitting on my desk browsing forums. And I feel like I want to start the get-the-ex-back books again, like I did the very first days... I've been into break ups before, that gave me hope that I would get over him at some point. But it was never like this... I didn't expect to get over in a month but I expected to have done some little progress and feel better. This is not happening... Link to comment
nestorZ Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 He obviously isn't capable or willing to commit to you right now. He seems lost in life. Study, finish school and put yourself in a better place. With time, maybe he comes back improved. If not, at least you'll be better than you're now. Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 He obviously isn't capable or willing to commit to you right now. He seems lost in life. Study, finish school and put yourself in a better place. With time, maybe he comes back improved. If not, at least you'll be better than you're now. It's hard to find a motivation... I know it sounds bad, I shouldn't depend my motivation on others, but I wasn't aware it was happening. The studies... I have studied at the university before, I decided to go back for a second program, in case it would help me with my job or simply as a hobby. Now it seems pointless... I miss having done something and call him to announce, I miss achieving something and going out to celebrate with him. I can't share anything I used to share. Nobody will know, no one will be happy for me. Yeah I know, I have to be happy for me... That's all I have now...me! Link to comment
AnnaN Posted November 27, 2011 Author Share Posted November 27, 2011 It's been a month... and it is getting more difficult... I just came home, I went out for launch with my family. I don't know why, it was supposed to make me feel better, but I tried so hard to not start crying... What is wrong with me? This week will be extremely difficult for me. I will be travelling all night to another place for work, I have some project presentations this week that I haven't prepared appropoately so I am scared that I will scre w it up and there will be a disaster... He won't drive me to the airport, I will not call anyone to tell that I have landed, I won't be talking to him on the phone at nights that I will be alone at the hotel... Furthermore, I have been always taking care of myself, my appearance, my make up, now because of stress, I have developed some kind of acne and I don't want to even look at myself in the mirror. I have also lost about 6-7 lbs, not much but I was always concerned for my weight as it has been always too low. I can't recognise myself any more. I had been always dependent, I had been happy being single in the past. It's been a month and although I was really bad and shocked the first days, I was hoping that I will start feel better at some point. Not even closed, it's getting worse. I've tried to be busy with work and studies, it makes it more difficult, I feel I cannot handle all the things I have to do, I tried to go out with friiends, spend time with family, meeting new people, go on a date, stay at home alone... I am scared of the days that they are coming, being alone this week at another city, in a cold hotel room... When will it start getting easier? I have been the dumper and the dumpee before, it was never like that... I think it will never end Link to comment
starrysky Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Anna my ex broke up with me a week before my postgrad thesis was due. I was suicidal, an absolute wreck, could not even read a sentance of my work. But you know what, I had worked hard all year, and he may have robbed me of a wonderful relationship but he wasn't going to rob me of my masters degree. I figured put the work in right now and then I could spend all the time in the world being upset about it after. I was able to get a weeks extension and just put my head down for 7 days. Hell it was f****** hard, but getting that thesis handed in increased my confidence and made me believe I really can do anything. I am now graduating in a couple of weeks. Although when he left I felt nothing else mattered, not my studies, my friends, anything.... To a great extent i still feel this way (its been 3 months), but I knew deep down I would regret it in years to come if i had given up. So please, please, please don't give up! Its really early days for you in terms of the BU, and I guess it is for me too. I can't stop thinking about him, wishing he would come back or that this was all just a horrible nightmare. But I know for sure I would feel alot worse had i not achieved what i have. Believe in yourself. Try and get extensions where you can and get support! I am also very lonely atm, I have very few friends now and the nights spent by myself in the house are becoming normal but at the same time unbearable. I find myself going to bed after dinner just so I don't have to face reality. Not a good idea I know, but am struggling atm... Link to comment
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