When should i send mail to my ex again?

[charmed83]

Hi everone,

 

My ex broke up with me after 5 years. It's now 10 months after the break up and he recently sended me an email wondering how i am doing and he would like to have frienship contact to hear from each other once in a while. I replied back by writing that it's to soon for me now, and i would like to have friendship in the future but for now i need distance. But i also would like to let him now how i am doing and that i now understand why it wasen't going so well between us. I want to tell cause other wise i have the feeling that he thinks i am not changed at all and i still am angry or not understanding why there were problems.

 

Basiclly i want to let him know i still appreciate him as a friend although it diden't work out as a couple and that on some parts of my life i changed and i am working on my progress in life with studying and being happy with my life. ( this where big reasons why my ex broke up also) but the problems is that the break up still hurts and he's now in another relationship with his new girlfriend so i am carefull with contact again cause i might still hope for more then frienship........

 

But i also feel like contact could heal me too, cause he wrote me that in this proces of healing and thinking about the breakup and what happened it would be nice to hear from eachother so we know that we are still at good terms with eachother....

 

( sorry for my english, i am from europe)

[winniethepooh]

Well, two days ago you wrote this:

 

Hi everyone, i still have hope that my ex and i will get back together.

 

So what's changed in two days that you don't have that hope. Or do you still have that hope?

 

Most people would say that while you still have a desire to get back together, it's a bad idea to try to be friends. And they say that from painful experience.

 

I replied back by writing that it's to soon for me now, and i would like to have friendship in the future but for now i need distance.

Fair enough, and sounds good (although I would have left out the part about wanting a friendship in the future - you might not want that, you don't know for sure right now).

 

But i also would like to let him now how i am doing and that i now understand why it wasen't going so well between us. I want to tell cause other wise i have the feeling that he thinks i am not changed at all and i still am angry or not understanding why there were problems.

He might think that, he might not. It doesn't matter to you right now whether he does or not. If, in the future, you decide you want a friendship, I doubt very much what he thinks now will matter one way or another.

 

More importantly, he left you rather than figure out what the problems were or how to resolve them. And left you for someone else or met someone else very quickly after he left you (2 weeks?). So really you're forced to accept that and the only way you can really show that is by leaving him alone. Especially if he is sending you weak communication like he did.

 

And anyway, you already tried a few months ago ...

 

The only thing i did was sending him a letter after 2 months, in the letter i told him what i think was wrong about my behaviour and that i kbut that i will always love him and that i regret about some things that happened in the past. That was good, cause otherwise i would have the feeling i still have to tell him that i can see why things went wrong between us. I was also telling him that i wish we would have a second change and that i will remember the good things in our relationship.

 

So what has changed significantly that you need to tell him the same things again?

 

Your motivation for sending him something might be to just be friends, or it might be to try and get back together. It doesn't sound like you really know. But it does sound to me like you still need to focus on your healing. And I don't think communicating with him like this is going to help you at the moment.

 

Anyway, I replied in more detail in your other thread. Perhaps that will help you.

[charmed83]

Thanks very much for the details in your reply! I think my motivation is that when i send him an email i would be able to change the image that he has from me so that we can think more positive about eachother, although we don't see eachother but it will help to make me feel less stupid about what i diden't see in the relationship.

 

For example he loved philosophy and i was not very interested in it at that time. So he always felt like i was not really paying attention to that part of his personality, cause when you are a philosofer it's not just a hobby or something it's a state of mind and he coulden't share that with me as much as he would want to. But now i think i missed out on that cause i was busy doing other things and i was also to lazy to even try to understand his philosophy books and now i regret cause i think it's a part of him also that i will always mis and i can not have these conversations with him cause they will never take place, all th but maybe as friends we can make that right.

 

I think i also still need his friendship cause i can relate to his thoughts and he's still very special to me, so in a way i don't want to give him up completely and maybe by telling him how i feel about it we can rebuilt a new good friendship again. But i do agree with you that maybe i still need to heal and then after a period i will not have the need to talk to him again... maybe

[rosie smith]

my ex moved on about 4 days after we agreed to take a two month break from each other now I was with this guy for 8 years so my feelings on the matter are if you just want a friendship with him then great, but he might talk about this new girl with you so be prepared for that.

 

also if he is talking to you about the break up now then that might be cause things are not going so well with him and this new women so he is needing you back in his life for some reason or another

 

personally I would tread carefully cause if there is a part of you that still wants him back

 

1. you don't wanna be his life whilst he is with this girl it will only make there relationship stronger

2. if you keep up witht he no contact and don't tell him much about your life and so on, he does start to miss you then he will come back to you eventually and you guys can go from there

 

 

but if all you want is friendship from him I say go for it when you are ready

[charmed83]

oke thanks Rosie Smith,

 

I think i am hoping for a reunion that may never take place, so i really have to accept that he's with somebody else now. I can only have no contact and see what the future brings to me.....

[winniethepooh]

so i really have to accept that he's with somebody else now.

If this is the case then yes, the best thing for you is to leave him alone. Anything else results in an outcome that won't be healthy for you, one way or another.

 

For example he loved philosophy and i was not very interested in it at that time. So he always felt like i was not really paying attention to that part of his personality, cause when you are a philosofer it's not just a hobby or something it's a state of mind and he coulden't share that with me as much as he would want to. But now i think i missed out on that cause i was busy doing other things and i was also to lazy to even try to understand his philosophy books and now i regret cause i think it's a part of him also that i will always mis and i can not have these conversations with him cause they will never take place, all th but maybe as friends we can make that right.

Oh yes, you can tear yourself up over things like this (I know because I am doing this too). All those times we showed a lack of interest in something our exes did or wanted to do. And now it's too late Well, it is too late, and by trying to be friends, all that happens is you develop a friendship. That's a different direction from a relationship, and you can't go in two directions at once ... unless you have rubber legs .