Should I still be FRIENDS with her at least?

[johnnyp]

Doug, I'm going to give it to you straight man...if you spent as much time working on self-reflection and self-development as you do on videoing yourself, creating animated GIF's and posting here every day or so asking "why me?", your problems would be solved in less than a year. You've been given a vast amount of great advice here on every aspect of dating, relationships, attraction and building self-worth from both men and women alike, so logging out of ENA and dedicating yourself to learning and utilising that advice is the only way your situation will ever change. Fact!

[blueidealist24]

I wouldn't stop hanging out with her if you're having a good time doing it, and it probably would be better than sitting in your house alone as it seems that makes you quite depressed. I would stop paying for ANYTHING for her though, unless it's her birthday. It seems like some of your problems come from the fact that you are from a well off family and have always been well off, at least that's how it seems from your posts.. you just got used to being the one who pays. For a couple of years at the beginning of university I had more money than most of my friends because I had a scholarship and I was paying for their stuff sometimes but then I wondered if I was being used. I stopped paying for stuff and some of the friends disappeared but some stayed. The proof will be in the pudding if she actually wants to hang out with you, if she wants to do it still when you're not paying. I'm sure you CAN find another friend though if she does disappear. Friends seem to disappear at any time for any reason these days.

[blueidealist24]

Oh yeah, another reason you should keep hanging out with her - it keeps you going out to bars and concerts and stuff where you can possibly meet other friends if she turns out to be a bad friend. I hate when people say someone should completely cut contact with another person over something annoying, because then if everyone's eventually cut for some bad trait, you end up alone.

[agent1607307371]

Dougie, if you have to pay for someones time, they're something, but it's not a friend.

 

Stop paying for her, see what she does. If she stops hanging with you, then there's your answer.

 

Seriously though, you need to stop trying/thinking you have to buy people. That is not something that gets you friends or respect.

[CMS]

Dude, I lost count on how many times I have said this to you and it seems that it has fallen on deaf ears each and every time. I want you to do:

 

1. Develope an internal frame of reference, you judge yourself based on your own standard and not what others have done.

 

2. Start believing people want to hang out with you because you are cool and interesting and not because you buy them crap.

 

3. Lose that mentality that people wont like me if I dont pay for them, its a load of crap.

 

4. Put yourself on the pedestal, dont offer to buy her drinks or movie tickets, make her pay for herself, hell make her pay for you too, turn the table around.

 

 

Man you need some serious work on your inner game and self confidence dude, ditch the victim mentality, stop comparing to how others are doing and focus on yourself, dont ask yourself if she likes you, ask youself that if you like her instead.

 

Seriously, go online and get some David DeAngelo's inner game stuff, read it and practice it, you need some serious coaching.

[Polis]

Dougie_D, if you can separate your romantic feelings for her from being friends with her then sure, go for it. However, I wouldn't bother if you are still holding out hope something will happen and those feelings are interfering with you being able to see yourself with someone else. Does that make sense?

[johnnyp]

Put yourself on the pedestal, dont offer to buy her drinks or movie tickets, make her pay for herself, hell make her pay for you too, turn the table around.

 

Man you need some serious work on your inner game and self confidence dude, ditch the victim mentality, stop comparing to how others are doing and focus on yourself, dont ask yourself if she likes you, ask youself that if you like her instead.

 

Seriously, go online and get some David DeAngelo's inner game stuff, read it and practice it, you need some serious coaching.

 

What he said! Your problems have nothing (let me say that again...NOTHING) to do with money, looks, job, social circle, friends or any of that. It's ALL to do with confidence and charisma (or 'inner-game' as Swift called it). Without that, you'll never get anywhere. You can chase women around, call them all the time, buy them drinks and constantly seek their approval, or you can work hard on yourself and have them do all of that to you! Your choice dude.

 

And I'm not usually a proponent of PUA material, but in this case I think it would be a godsend for you.

[johnnyp]

And by the way Doug, I just want to kick off your list of good points that you should start focussing much more attention on:

 

1. You live in LA

2. You work in the music business

3. You've got cash in your pocket

4. You have a pretty decent social life

5. You're confident enough to go out on your own and meet new people

6. You'd rather be out doing stuff than sitting on your a** at home

7. You're spending time with women that invite you out

8. You're a young man

9. You've got family that support you when you need it

 

and…

 

10. Based on your recent videos, you come accross as a totally normal, decent-looking guy that's not nearly as awkward as you made yourself out to be.

 

That's a pretty solid list man! You're sociable, go out a lot, meet a lot of new people, like being around people, you have money in the bank, a very cool job and you live in a very cool city that's packed with gorgeous women. There are many guys that have none of these things going for them that you have in the bag already, so all you need to do is fine-tune your attitude and technique and you'll be off and running.

 

I hope you can add more to this list yourself D.

[Dougie_D]

1. You live in LA

2. You work in the music business

3. You've got cash in your pocket

4. You have a pretty decent social life

5. You're confident enough to go out on your own and meet new people

6. You'd rather be out doing stuff than sitting on your a** at home

7. You're spending time with women that invite you out

8. You're a young man

9. You've got family that support you when you need it

 

and…

 

10. Based on your recent videos, you come accross as a totally normal, decent-looking guy that's not nearly as awkward as you made yourself out to be

 

1. Yes, I do.

2. Sort of. It's not a salary/hourly job. I average maybe 200 dollars a month? That's IF I get get paid. It's more of a hobby that I'm hoping that turns into cash flow.

3. I'm on a budget. It's not my money though.

4. I don't have a circle or group of friends though.

5. Yes, I am.

6. Yes, I hate being locked in my house. I'm not a hermit.

7. Who ELSE invites me out? I've only been invited out 4 or 5 time and it's the same girl that I've been talking about. She is the ONLY girl that has EVER invited me out just the two of us. Haha! I really wish I had more invites.

8. According to older people I guess. I like to think I'm still in my teens!

9. I don't ask for support. They just give it to me. I've always felt like they feel sorry for me. When I have told them not help me out financially, they ususally tell me I don't make as much as them...like they rub it in my face or something.

10. I never think I'm awkward until someone points out that I am. Same thing about my looks. I never thought I was "ugly" until people were saying that to my face.

 

Oh...I do want to mention. I've always been grateful with my money because it was NOT "my earned" money. In college, people would always want me to drive...when I asked about it, they were "Well, let's be honest...you are not paying for your own gas." They were right. I couldn't argue.

[Dougie_D]

I've only read PUA stuff where they require a WINGMAN. I don't have many guys that are NOT single and are WILLING to be a WINGMAN. If my single guy talks to a girl, he'll be selfish and just go for the girls himself.

 

Do they have TIPS for when a guy is alone???

 

Also, and this is FOR everyone on ENA.

 

I can read the helpful feedback and try to put in action. When it comes to TALKING to girls, STYLE, etc... I think I would be better if I saw it in ACTION. That's how I learn. I am more of the HANDS ON type.

 

So, I just want to let people know, that I AM trying to do what people say.

[calichick007]

Hi Dougie -

 

Let me preface this by saying that I don't want to offend you at all. You seem like a very nice guy... too nice, perhaps. But do you have a back-up to the music biz plan? $200 a month isn't enough to support one person, let alone a family if you met someone you could really have a future with. I'm just wondering if maybe you should be more focused on career than social life/relationships right now. Feel free to tell me to buzz off if you don't want to answer.

[johnnyp]

A complete stranger (and a guy, at that) takes the time out of his day to write a list of your good points to try and help you out and instead of saying thanks and taking the compliment, you just find a way to shoot down almost the whole list and bring it back to "Feel sorry for me...I'm such a loser". That says more about you than anything man!

[Dougie_D]

let alone a family if you met someone you could really have a future with

 

I'm not planning on having any kids or buying a house right now. I am more interested in just the EXPERIENCE of a relationship, sex, etc.. I don't want to get married and stuff right now. I may not ever get married and have kids. I'm cool with that. Hopefully the girl that I really END up with for A LONG time will understand my troubles and see that I'm working towards it.

 

instead of saying thanks and taking the compliment, you just find a way to shoot down almost the whole list and bring it back to "Feel sorry for me...I'm such a loser"

 

I don't take compliments very well. Sorry about that. I get in a habit thinking that people generally are doing it just to be nice and not really meaning it. Even my family. Just because they say they "love me" I can't believe them because it's almost by default. When someone that doesn't give birth or raise you and says "I LOVE YOU"... well, there is a little more truth to that. But thanks! I didn't shoot them down. I was being HONEST! I agreed on the ones that were the truth.

[Shudder]

in my opinion, you should stop telling everyone that you have money and also stop giving it to people when they dont need it. just saying there are those out there that will take advantage if they met someone like you

[BlueMilk]

I'm not planning on having any kids or buying a house right now. I am more interested in just the EXPERIENCE of a relationship, sex, etc.. I don't want to get married and stuff right now. I may not ever get married and have kids. I'm cool with that. Hopefully the girl that I really END up with for A LONG time will understand my troubles and see that I'm working towards it.

 

It would still help to give you confidence if you do have a backup plan - the idea behind calichick's post is sound even without adding 'marriage' to the picture. You don't want to be that 30 year old guy that counted pennies when out on a date. You're not a college kid anymore which means that its no longer charming when you do it in front of a girl you're taking out. Furthermore, with a better back up plan you won't have that pitying look from your family (at least that's how you seem to read it) which would help boost up your self confidence. It'll at least cross 3 and 9 and possibly 4 off your list (with a steady job comes a steady stream of people, from new workmates/friends to new women to meet and date.)

 

Let me put it this way Dougie_D. Your posts seem to indicate that you're not happy. Which may indicate that you are not satisfied with your life at the moment. If you keep repeating the same things and DON'T break the cycle then you have no one else to blame but yourself. Doing the same thing over and over again with the expectation of receiving different results is the very definition of insanity as they say. So when it comes down to it you HAVE to change something. It can be small, it can be big - but there has to be CHANGE.

 

Everyone has suggested various methods of changing, from small to big. Pick one that seems the easiest (meeting new people, or making the girl pay every once in a while, etc.) and experiment with that. You're a big boy, you don't need your hand held or someone to show you how. Just do it, it's okay to mess up and stumble a few times because it will get easier, I promise. Soon you won't be as scared or worried about altering one little thing about yourself because you expect everyone to hate/leave you for it. If they left you cause you're trying to better yourself then they aren't true friends to begin with.

[blueidealist24]

 

Oh...I do want to mention. I've always been grateful with my money because it was NOT "my earned" money. In college, people would always want me to drive...when I asked about it, they were "Well, let's be honest...you are not paying for your own gas." They were right. I couldn't argue.

 

That is rude of them and you shouldn't listen to that. Even if your parents are giving you money, it's not like it's unlimited. It sounds like they're just jealous that you seem to have rich parents.

[Dougie_D]

I've stopped INVITING people out. No one invites me to do anything anymore. I have to start over making friends and that's hard to do when you are my age and in a BIG city. It really sucks.

 

Yes, I'm NOT happy. Getting a job in the music field is HARD when you are getting your feet wet. I don't have much experience to be hired. Also, they won't hire you unless you create Revenue. I'm working on that. Getting a PART-TIME job just to help financially will piss me off. When I got my FIRST job I quit music. (Sam's Club)My dream and passion went away. I was REALLY unhappy then. I can't go that path. It has to be MUSICALLY related.

 

Having a GIRLFRIEND will definitely cheer me up. It will even motivate me thinking I'm still valuable to people. I feel UNVALUABLE in life.

[Shudder]

Having a GIRLFRIEND will definitely cheer me up. It will even motivate me thinking I'm still valuable to people.

 

not necessarily, you just have more responsibilities to deal with.

[johnnyp]

Yeah, I wouldn't hang all your self-esteem on the thought of having a GF Doug. And also maybe change "Having a GIRLFRIEND will definitely cheer me up" to "Having an amazing, kind and loving GIRLFRIEND will definitely cheer me up". If you shack up with the wrong person, you can walk into a world of constant nagging and criticism that will actually make you yearn for the days when you were single Just ask any of my married friends...they're all a shell of the vibrant, confident, outgoing guys they used to be.

 

That's kinda the main point that a lot of us have been getting at. You should be working on your confidence to start seeing yourself as the prize, not them, and then be looking for a partner that will add to your life rather than define it. It'll take time, but you can do it.

[CMS]

Having a GIRLFRIEND will definitely cheer me up. It will even motivate me thinking I'm still valuable to people. I feel UNVALUABLE in life.

 

False, that cant be further from the truth. Happiness comes from within, right now you feel like you are incomplete or missing something in life and you are hoping to fill that gap with a girlfriend, that can not be any further away from the truth, a loving relationship should be a compliment to your existing life and not to complete you. All you are doing with that mentality would be exhibiting needy and clingy and lack of confidence during social interaction and girls can and will detect it. Come on lets face it, no one wants to be responsible for your happiness, they have their own stuff to worry about, they will run away if you expect them to make you happy.

 

So seriously, figure out what makes you happy, and become happy even if it means to change your lifestyle. Read some NLP stuff and do some serious mental reframing, you will see some good results in due time if you keep that up.

[Dougie_D]

"WINNING" makes me happy. I only get happy when I win a game. I'm happier when I feel like I'm better than other people or when I succeed in something. When I realize that I'm not the best of everything/anything I really get sad. I don't get angry. I just give up. The only thing I'm good at is finding talent. A music scout. But no one pays for my service. They just ask what I think and then they go behind my back and sign them without giving me any type of credit. That part sucks. I play guitar but I'm not the best in the world. I've always dreamed about being a celebrity. I'm not going to lie. I would love the attention of strangers.

[Dougie_D]

I guess you are right. Having a girlfriend would not make me happy because there will probably be some headaches on the way, but it will make me feel like I succeeded and I'm valuable. I just want that. I don't like to feel left behind. Never having a girlfriend really bothers me. Imagine that everyone in the world has tasted a cookie. People talk about how great the cookie is. Or even how they got sick of the cookie. You see other people eating cookies everywhere. You know there are cookies to be bought or purchased.. but everytime when you try to purchase the cookie your card gets denied. You have the money, at least you feel like you have enough, but you always get rejected. Relationships are my cookie. I'm surrounded by cookies everyday.