Meet up with the ex?

[lonelyheart2]

Hi everyone I know that I shouldn't have done it but I sent my ex a message asking how he was doing as the last time he spoke to me he seemed really stressed out and it had been almost a month later. Anyway he replied back saying

 

this is so bizzar, when i read this i was liiiiiiiterally just about to send you a message, watched the first two episodes of this thing...

link removed

(how odd, still can't get used to the press enter send a message thing)

and was going to tell you something along the lines of "get on this!"

suuuuch a cool show!

anyways, things are okay, still crazy busy, but everything's kind of sorting itself out so

and you still have my number, so give me a shout if you're actually ever on campus eh ;P

 

I'm just thinking if I'm hoping for reconciliation should I ask to meet up when I'm on campus? Or would this be a bad idea? I was thinking of maybe waiting a couple of weeks. It sounds like he just wants to be friends but I've heard a lot of stories where sometimes friendship is the best way to reconcile....

[camus154]

You can certainly do as you see fit, but understand this is a slippery slope you're on and once you start down it, you can't really get back up. What I mean is, with each communication and each time you meet him, deep down you're really trying to get back together with him. You need to face the very real possibility--in fact, the overwhelming possibility--that this isn't going to happen.

 

Most people can't do that. They'll fool themselves into thinking "it's just as friends, there's no harm here, I don't really want to get back with him yet", but that's just not usually true. Eventually the reality that you're truly over will be made clear to you in some revelation....maybe he brings along a new girlfriend, maybe you push a discussion and he rejects you all over again, maybe you wind up sleeping with him only for him to disappear on you, and then you're going to have double the hurt and double the shame, asking how he could have done this to you all over again. On top of that you'll feel like a fool for having had the hope in the first place.

 

Is that worth the risk? Up to you to decide.

[EgoJoe]

Nope, don't reply and don't contact. Make him sweat.

 

Friendship is the best way to reconcile wayyyyy down the road. Not in the aftermath.

[notimeman]

Ugh, I hate this, I'm seeing this everywhere in this forum. NO GAMES. If you're interested in reconciling, speak to him, be with him and eventually confront him about it. Sure, there's always the possibility that he doesn't want that, but don't trick him into doing it.

 

I hate it so much how so many members say "Pretend to be busy", "Ignore texts for a bit". Why? Why play so many games? Why not be real. If you want to be around him, be around him.

[EgoJoe]

I didn't say play games or pretend to be busy. She's valueing herself and protecting herself. He is not coming straight forward and therefore neither should she. I myself hate the idea of games but the truth sometimes is that you have to do a little Ego dance to get the Self interested enough to disregard the Ego's machinations.

 

He wants her to call him, he wants her to watch a certain show and he wants her to make an effort while he plays it super cool and can reject whatever he wants as he is not invested in the slightest.

[Awoken]

Ugh, I hate this, I'm seeing this everywhere in this forum. NO GAMES. If you're interested in reconciling, speak to him, be with him and eventually confront him about it. Sure, there's always the possibility that he doesn't want that, but don't trick him into doing it.

 

I hate it so much how so many members say "Pretend to be busy", "Ignore texts for a bit". Why? Why play so many games? Why not be real. If you want to be around him, be around him.

 

I guess people can't be real because 'being real' is probably what the ex didn't like about you. So the whole NC, cutting them off idea is to make them think "hmmmm, I wonder why they haven't contacted me?", "they would've usually sent me a text,etc,etc". You can look it as playing games, but when you want your ex back so badly you'll pretty much jump off a bridge (figuratively) But I can see your point too.

[lonelyheart2]

we'e been broken up for almost 5 months now and the reason was because next year he is moving to italy to be with his family. I would love to be friends at some point when I'm over him if we don't manage to get back together in which case I realise I have to not speak to him for quite some time but I sort of want to make the most of this time whilst he is in england this year. I don't know...I guess I'm confused...I'm not going to do anything whilst I'm confused think I need to sit back and have a cup of tea and think about what I really want from this...I think it's interesting that he said he was going to contact me I wonder if he really would have done had I not sent him that message.....

[winniethepooh]

Ugh, I hate this, I'm seeing this everywhere in this forum. NO GAMES. If you're interested in reconciling, speak to him, be with him and eventually confront him about it. Sure, there's always the possibility that he doesn't want that, but don't trick him into doing it.

 

I hate it so much how so many members say "Pretend to be busy", "Ignore texts for a bit". Why? Why play so many games? Why not be real. If you want to be around him, be around him.

I don't like the game playing aspect of it either. But usually if someone leaves you, you are forced to accept they want to be left alone. And anyway, the motivation for that should be your own recovery.

 

Sure, if you want to reconcile, then say so. But often you don't know if that's what they want (they might not know either), and based on the many stories here, it seems like the best idea is to leave them alone until they do know what they want. Since you don't know when that happens, that means you have to move on without them, and if they do contact you properly, deal with it then.

 

And also, you contacting them after they left you, will affect how they feel. Doesn't matter how you contact them, it will affect them. And you don't know how until afterwards. Again, based on the many stories I read here, that usually seems to be negatively in terms of a possible reconciliation. Of course, it's also possible that if the effect was positive, the two people are too busy reconciling to come back and post the results here. So in the end, who knows

[jeepman41]

Ugh, I hate this, I'm seeing this everywhere in this forum. NO GAMES. If you're interested in reconciling, speak to him, be with him and eventually confront him about it. Sure, there's always the possibility that he doesn't want that, but don't trick him into doing it.

 

I hate it so much how so many members say "Pretend to be busy", "Ignore texts for a bit". Why? Why play so many games? Why not be real. If you want to be around him, be around him.

 

 

I don't think it's game playing as much as it is setting some boundaries by not being so available. If someone has rejected you and you are contemplating a reunion, you are cautious of having to face rejection again. NC allows you to heal and place you in a better place. Anytime someone reaches out after an extended period of no communication they are going to be feeling you out to see what emotional state you are currently in.

[lonelyheart2]

I'm thinking I'm not sure how I would handle seeing him in person again just yet to be friendly and seeing as the way he put it I could 'call him anytime' I was thinking we have 3 weeks left of term. So I won't contact him in the next 2 weeks for sure and see how I feel on the third week if I can handle meeting up with him as just friends that would be great because then I could just wish him happy holidays etc. It really frustrates me because I really like him as a person and I know that if we hadn't dated we would be really good friends! I just need to get to a place where I can look at him and not think about how much I wish I could kiss him in that moment.....On the other hand now that he's said that it would be nice if he actually expressed definite interest that he wants to see me so maybe I should just leave it and see if he contacts to ask where I am etc....