Please help .. new breakup .. is he having second thoughts?

[Mjane]

Hi all.

I am hoping someone can give me support because I don't want to mess this up twice. But I'd like your realistic assessment of what is going on... I'm a gal who lives in the here and now and I can take it.

My ex-bf broke up with me last thursday -- five days ago. It pretty much stemmed from a meltdown (panic attack) I had when we went boating the week before. I had pushed him away physically and figuratively. He's 37 and I'm 35 and we are both very serious about finding the right person to get married and have kids.

Anyway, he told me he didn't see me as a long term prospect. When I asked why, he said he didn't want to marry someone who acted as I did and treated him as I did when I had the meltdown.

When I pushed him further he said something about compatibility issues, but when I said I thought we were very compatible, he said we were. He went on to explain to me that he felt we would become some kind of arguing old couple, which he didn't want. I think he took the boating incident and just blew it out of proportion. In fact, I think he's freaked out a bit ... my meltdown had very little to do with him, which I explained. I felt trapped and a bit irrational and tried to gain control.

Up until the boating incident, while he and I had minor issues, our relationship was really good. We were very loving and really enjoyed each other's company. I thought he was developing deep feelings for me as I had for him. Perhaps I had deluded myself.

I was great during our breakup convo. I told him that he was the best man I had ever dated. I told him he had to do what he felt was right.

He said he had a tendency to get into dead end relationships and couldn't do that anymore because he was getting old.

Anyway, I wrote him this letter the next morning. I laid out my panic attack (which despite my apologizing several times for it, we never really talked about it), everything that was going through in my head. I told him we most definitely had issues in our relationship, but that I was willing to work them out. I told him how sad I was that we were abandoning the relationship instead of working on our problems. My letter laid out a couple of problems we had and how I was giving him space before I approached the topics.

Anyway, I ended the letter by telling him how wonderful and special he is.

I dropped it off about 12 hours after the break up. I didn't expect to hear from him. But he called me Sunday. I was out of town and I returned the call yesterday, although I had to leave a msg.

So, here's the thing.... obviously I broke the NC rule by writing the letter, but I needed to be heard. I needed to lay it all out there for him to understand because basically he and I are horrible communicators.

Anyway, I don't know why he's called me. My sister thinks it's because he just wants to make sure I'm okay. Perhaps he feels guilty.

I really want to get back together with him although only under the condition that we work on our problems. No more being silent.

But here's my dilemma, how should I act when he calls? Should I just be pleasant and happy and not talk about our issues? How is that going to help anything if we just make chit-chat?

The message he left me was he thanked me for the letter and said I'll talk to you later, if you want. In my letter I told him I wasn't begging him to reconcile with me but only trying to clarify what happened.

Deep down I don't think he wants to reconcile. Perhaps I'm pessimistic, but I think once guys make up their minds to break up, they don't change them.

But what do people suggest I do? I am so tempted to say, look are you trying to reconcile or just feeling guilty? Ok, so that's way too direct and indiscrete and could kill any chance of us making up.

I don't want to mess it up this time...

[StarrieMarie04]

When you do talk to him don't be too blunt, it could push him away. Make light conversation. Just go with the flow of things. Ask him what you want to know, but in a calm way. Don't act like it's getting to you, but don't make him feel like he doesn't mean anything to you either. On the other hand, realtionships have their problems. That's just part of life. Not your fault or anyone elses. Right now you are only gf/bf , not husband and wife. If he blows these little things out of proportion, how do think he will react to marital problems? Take your realtionship into consideration yourself. Make sure this is who you really want to be with too. Don't blame him for being careful. You don't want to push him too far or you will lose him, but don't let him push you either. I hope I have helped you some how. Good luck. Let us know the outcome. -StarrieMarie

[hitek_rednek]

OK, here it is in black and white....don't waste your time with him. If he cannot accept the fact that panic attacks happen, and they are not your fault, then he is not worth the trouble. A "real" man would have been there to comfort you, hold you, make sure you were OK. A "real" man, would have been concerned for your health. You are a woman, not a trophy to show off to his friends as how perfect she is, that is childish and immature. He needs to go out and find his little barbie [PROFANITY DELETED BY MODERATOR] to show off. You are too good for him, and don't deserve the heartache he is causing you. A panic attack is a scary thing, I know because my soon to be wife has something very similar. She gets scared that I will be mad at her or be embarrassed of her because of it, but I'm not, I care about her, and I care about us, and I don't give a flying crap what anyone else thinks, that's the way a relationship is supposed to work. You did nothing wrong, and you have no reason to be embarrassed, well except for the fact that you had some jerk who was more concerned with his appearance than with your health. I'm sorry that was so rude, but people don't need to be treated like that. Life is too short to put up with it.

 

-Hitek_Rednek-

[Mjane]

Thanks Starrie and Hitek.

I've been thinking a lot about this in the past week. Despite my efforts to distract myself (movies, biking, running, tennis, etc. I've become an exercise queen), it's essentially all I think about. Although I can't talk about it with anyone because I know I'll start crying and have to face the fact that he's not coming back. But my desire to get back together with him fades every day because the more I think about the work needed to make our relationship work, I feel a bit overwhelmed. And I'm also hesitant because like Hitek pointed out to me, he left me because I had a panic attack... I have stood by him and supported him in circumstances that I felt were questionable, but it never occurred to me to leave him. And here he ups and freaks out over a panic attack that had nothing to do with him.

I know if he called me tomorrow, I would try and make it work, but I'm just more apprehensive now.

Take care. Thanks for responding.

[hitek_rednek]

I know you would try to make ammends if he called tomorow, but you are doing the right thing by keeping busy, and you are right, the work it took, and the stuff you had to deal with with his arrogance is not worth the trouble. There are plenty of us out there that are understanding and compassionate enough to deal with lifes little roller coaster...and deal with it with a partner, the right way it should be done. Keep going hun, you are on the right track. Best of luck to ya.

 

-Hitek_Rednek-