Has This Happened To You Or Have You Done It To An Ex?

[HoliPoli]

I hate being one of those people who can't let go of something and pine and analyze over it until it makes them insane with confusion, but it happened.

 

I'm trying hard to be the ex with the control. I'm trying hard to be the ex that cares the least. I'm trying hard to be the ex that's moving forward and bettering herself.

 

We broke up 3 weeks ago - this Sunday and we've talked a few times. I've done my best to keep my cool on the phone although at first I had a few angry text slip ups, but no more. All my pain is internal now and i'm focused. So we talk one day this week for a few minutes after about a week of NC. We were both busy and had to go. He said he would text me later and surprisingly he did. He said it was "welcomed and nice" to hear from me. To be honest that shocked me and about an hour later I sent a "your welcome" reply and said that I was busy but would call him back in a few days or so. His reply was "Sounds great...."

 

I deleted the texts but they're burned in my memory and making me feel pathetic due to how much it's on my mind. I can't be with him because he was such a jerk (that's being nice) plus he was VERY convincing that he no longer wanted "us" after 3 years.

 

I guess I just want to know what he was thinking and it's not like I can just call him up and ask him. I made myself believe he was just having a weak moment and he didn't mean it at all. That once he slept and woke up the next day he forgot all about me again. And I'm not sure I CAN call him back. It's making me sick to worry that he might not be so cordial the next phone call.

 

Has this ever happened to you and how did it turn out? Was your ex ever NICE to you after a few weeks? Did it last? I have a feeling I won't know until I try. Ugh.

[camus154]

Standard reply--you should probably go no contact. Checking up with the ex every week or so really serves no point other than dragging out your own healing process. Of course he will still be on your mind whether you talk to him or not, but when you remain in contact you'll find yourself analyzing your every interaction with him, wondering what this particular thing he said meant, wondering what the next call or text will be.....

 

Hang in there and good luck.

[HoliPoli]

Standard reply--you should probably go no contact. Checking up with the ex every week or so really serves no point other than dragging out your own healing process. Of course he will still be on your mind whether you talk to him or not, but when you remain in contact you'll find yourself analyzing your every interaction with him, wondering what this particular thing he said meant, wondering what the next call or text will be.....

 

Of course I wasn't thinking of it that way, but you're right.

[Eocsor]

This is common behaviour after a breakup from both parties. As has been said, if it's over go NC to heal. You're just dragging it out right now. Not sure how long or significant the relationship was, but if it was a long or major one you can probably expect to go through a long healing process. Some studies put the average time to heal and feel much better at about a year and a half. Hang in and you'll get there.

[octour]

Jesus, a year and a half? I'm only at month 3 and was left for someone else. The holidays should be fun.

[Eocsor]

Jesus, a year and a half? I'm only at month 3 and was left for someone else. The holidays should be fun.

 

It's different for everybody. The study was talking about divorce but I have read other authors who say about a year to feel better and another year to have it totally behind you. But thats for a significant relationship. And although the definition for that varys I think they are talking about relationships that have lasted for a while, not a few months.

 

But for myself, the two decade long relationships I had took about that amount of time to recover from and my friends who have gone through divorce took about that amount of time too.

[HoliPoli]

I spent all morning preparing a short and to the point email saying it was too hard on me and that I didn't want the ups and downs of friendly chatter etc. and that i HAD to move on.

 

To get his email address I had to dive back in old emails (that was hard). Somehow in an effort to just catch a glimpse of his email addy I ended up deleting all of those emails and cannot retrieve them! I think I screamed a little. They're not in trash - I had no intention of letting them go forever just yet.

 

But the point is that I don't have his email. I didn't even get to see it so I could type it from memory.

 

Fate is a B*T*H! This is not something I want to text or call about. And i know if I ask he will honor my wishes regardless of how he's feeling.

[camus154]

You don't need to inform them that you're going no contact. Think about it

[Eocsor]

You don't need to inform them that you're going no contact. Think about it

 

Agree. Just do it. Much more effective that way in my humble pinion.

[winniethepooh]

I can't be with him because he was such a jerk (that's being nice)

This is the most important thing for you to remember. You know this, now you need to let your feelings to catch up with your knowledge. And leave him alone in the meantime.

 

I don't know why you are still communicating with him. If you want reconciliation, you probably shouldn't unless he gives a significant indication that's what he's interested in, and even then if he was such a jerk, why would you want to? If you don't want reconciliation, you shouldn't. If you just want to be friends, that's something to put aside until you've recovered from the break up.

 

I'm assuming he left you.

 

Has this ever happened to you and how did it turn out? Was your ex ever NICE to you after a few weeks? Did it last? I have a feeling I won't know until I try. Ugh.

Umm, I'm trying to answer this but struggling. With one ex, we tried to stay friends right after breaking up (she left me). Whilst she was "nice" with her contacts, the principle in itself wasn't "nice." Eventually I told her I couldn't do this friends thing so we broke off contact. I didn't initiate, there was sporadic contact from her for a few months, then she left the country and I finally got over her and lost all hope of reconciliation. We did keep in touch very occasionally after that. A couple of years later she wanted to try again but I didn't.

[octour]

Agree. Just do it. Much more effective that way in my humble pinion.

 

I tried to go NC with my ex after it was finally confirmed that she was seeing someone. She even denied it standing right next to the guy and referred to him as 'just a friend'. We were together for 3.5 years. But my NC status changed when she showed up to see me at a place where she knew I would be. She even showed up the following day looking for me again and then asked a bunch of questions about me. I have no idea why, she married the guy she left me for not even 2 months after we broke up. She had only known him for 3 months at that point and was still seeing me 2-3 days per week during the time when she 'wasn't seeing anyone'. I've been NC since, about another 3 weeks now.

 

At least I would still respect her if she didn't lie about meeting someone. It still would have hurt like hell, but she took the coward's way out and lied for months and tried to hide it.

 

In response again, I turned my back and walked away. Not another word.

[GreenCupcake]

Oh yeah. It happened to me. When my ex broke up with me, he insisted that nothing was going to change and that we should break up.

 

I texted him two weeks later asking how he was and believe it or not he was being insanely nice to me! He enthusiastically congratulated me on getting my new car on the road and even told me sweet dreams (which is what he would say sometimes when we were going out). It almost seemed like he forgot we broke up lol. During that conversation, I asked him if he wanted his things back and vice versa, and he agreed to meet up the next day without hesitation.

 

He brought his friend along and we chatted for about ten minutes since he was in a rush (yeah, sure). I told him there was no reason we couldn't be friends and he agreed. We hugged several times and departed ways. I'm not sure if that's what he wanted to hear because later on we texted and he confessed that he couldn't handle talking to me and that he was suppressing his feelings. He then told me that a part of him never got over the break-up and he didn't think he ever would. I didn't understand why he was saying that at first so I replied telling him that I didn't know what to say. I mean, HE was the one who broke up with me after all.

 

Things quickly spiralled downwards when I confronted him about things he did in the relationship that hurt me. I ended up getting pissed. He then got nasty back with me. Several days later, I asked him why he couldn't admit what he did wrong in the relationship. He blamed me again for everything and told me that he shouldn't have given me all of his heart, etc. I tried texting him two weeks after that and got no response. Not once did he apologize to me even though I apologized for what I did wrong.

 

Moral of the story? People can throw breadcrumbs here and there but if they aren't going to CONSIDER your feelings and be sincere, then it doesn't mean anything.

[dobbin]

why are you still in contact? what are you hoping to gain from keeping him in your life?

i think you're better off just cutting off all contacts with him. u do not even need to tell him this. just go ahead and do it. it's more effective.

there is no such thing as closure in a relationship. there is no rational or logic when it comes to some people's feelings/actions.

keep him out of your life so u can move on.

[RastaPasta]

I've been in a situation like this. My first real relationship broke u and I still maintained contact with my ex for an entire year after. He was always pretty nice to me, I thought it meant something. Now that I'm older and more experienced I now realize that he was being so nice because he did not want to let me go (even though he had a gf). This may not even have anything to do with you as a person at all, it may just be about having the security of knowing there is someone who will always be there for you no matter what. You can get the benefits of their company and friendship without the commitment of being with them. Some people just love the attention.

 

In the end sticking around because he was nice to me ruined me, I spent a year questioning everything he said, trying to get into his head and figure out what he meant. In the end he did come back, and it was a nightmare of a relationship, lets just say all his "niceness" went away. Every time we broke up it was the same story he was nice and agreeable and once we got back together things changed.