How to handle this situation?

[DreamingSoul]

So my boyfriend and I recently got back together after a one week break up. We are pretty close and have been dating for about a year and five months now and the whole reason for the break up was just a whole messy situation in which my boyfriend says he regrets a lot.

 

During that week however, him and his close friend that I use to be jealous of a lot, (Let's call her Annie), spent quite a bit of time together. They had been good friends since middle school and usually hung out a lot and she was even close to his family, so I would get, unfortunately, pretty jealous over her at times which would cause arguments between me and my boyfriend. Yet despite all of my jealousy I never asked them to stop being friends. It was something I never wanted and so I tried hard to overcome my jealousy over her, but sometimes because of her overall personality I just found it harder and harder to even try to be friends with her. Then again maybe it was just me.

 

ANYWAY! Before the whole break up they both said that nothing would ever happen between them and that it was ridiculous that I would even think about things like that. Haha, well two days after the break up Annie confessed that she liked my boyfriend for about a year and they both had kissed. My boyfriend said he felt disgusted as soon as he had done it and regretted it. She was like a sister to him and it felt weird. Well....just a few days later I come back into the picture and she got really pissed at both of us. Saying how my boyfriend lead her on and that basically we were just wasting our times trying to work things out.

 

My boyfriend did apologize and tried to rekindle their friendship and pretend like nothing happened since he didn't want their friendship to end that way. Her and my boyfriend are friends again and for the moment i'm ok with it, as long as i'm not around. I'm not saying anything against it anymore yet I still feel pretty upset about the whole situation of what had happened. I'm angry at both of them for lying and angry at her because she should of known better about waiting a while longer before confessing.

 

Basically all I want is to know how to handle this situation. I'm not stopping their friendship but at the same time I don't want to try to be friends with her anymore after everything that's happened. I just don't want to be around her, yet since she's still pretty close with his family i'm not sure how all of this is going to play out and i'm afraid they may invite her along with them on trips and such.

 

So yeah...any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

Sorry that this is so long and rushed out. I have to leave for work in about an hour so i'm trying to get things together.

[Lithp]

Basically it's about whether or not you can trust your boyfriend. I can understand that he may really regret kissing this girl, only because I know how I have felt in the past when a guy friend has tried to kiss me - it's not the same kind of attraction and as much as you may like the person, it really can be borderline repulsive.

 

What I don't really understand is if he knows she has feelings for him, he should be trying to work that out and distance himself from her, out of respect for both her and you. Hanging around her as often as he may be after she tried to put the moves on him may be leading her on, and spending time with her like that knowing it makes you uncomfortable that they kissed is a bit disrespectful as well.

 

I don't think you have any place to tell him who he can or can't be friends with, but I don't think that, given the circumstances, you would be unreasonable to request that he limit his time with her - and ask that they don't be alone together.

 

As for his family inviting her on trips and whatnot, I think it would be up to him to speak with her about this. Out of respect for the whole situation there is no reason that she should be going on trips with him and his family if you are not there as well. If such an occasion were to arise I would ask that he have a talk with his family and make other arrangements. As I said - if he is in a relationship there is no reason, best friend or not, that she should be attending trips with his family if you are also not present.

 

So I think, in the end, it all boils down to how much respect your boyfriend has for the situation. There need to be clear boundaries communicated between the two of you, and between him and his friend.

[Awoken]

It's about two things for me: Safety and Trust. When she is around does he make you feel safe? I mean safe - emotionally and physically? Do you get all tense and fidgety when she is around you guys or when he talks about her to you? If so, I would have a good 'safe' conversation about how you are feeling and why you are feeling that way. He also needs to know that your trust in him is low because of the things that have happened in the past. TRY not to let the conversation get out of hand, which it probably will BUT don't let this issue rest. IF you want your relationship to continue and be a successful relationship then you need to communicate with him. Immediately. Hope this helps.

[DreamingSoul]

In a way I do trust him a little more when it comes to her now ever since the break up. Since he actually had his chances to be with her yet still chose to be with me. That never made me feel more relieved, but I still feel uncomfortable when I see or hear anyone talk about her. I can't look at her and him the same anymore if they are near each other, that's why i've said several times that they can still be friends and hang out but not when i'm around.

 

That sounds bad but I don't want to stop or control who he's friends with, but I don't want to feel hurt at the same time. I've laid down rules already that I would prefer it that he let me know when and where he's going to hang out with her and not to be completely alone with her. I trust him, i'm just really uneasy with her now.

 

As for the family, we've been in situations where they have invited her along with or without me. Thankfully i've been on most of their trips but it usually made me feel bad when they would let her come over and spend nights there without me being able to or take her on their family reunions.

 

After this whole break up ordeal and getting back together, it's not really clear to anyone how "Annie" really feels about him. I'm assuming she still has lingering feelings for him. I don't like thinking about it and I do hope i'm wrong on that, but it's just a feeling.

 

We will talk more on the subject probably in the near future when she starts coming back around, or if she ever does. Right now we're both pretty busy with our own schedules and trying to make time together and it's still a touchy subject. He does, so far, respect my decisions and knows not to bring us around each other until this whole thing blows over, but for some reason I don't think this will ever blow ever between me and her. I think there will always be tension between us.