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Long term relationship????


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Sorry this is so long, but please bear with me. Over 5 years ago met a really wholesome, down-to-earth, no frills guy through my son's boy scout troop. I am very external, type A, independent, very driven, business owner.....take charge type of person. Worried about my looks, work out at the gym, eat really healthy, etc. etc. He is just the opposite, very laid back, works a good and steady job..happy with the money he earns. Balding, mildly handsome, overweight, smoker, recovering alcoholic. Neither of us were dating. I had been hurt badly years earlier dating a man just like myself...this was my only dating experience after divorce. I have two boys, now age 14 and 17, that I raise alone. The marriage was physically and emotionally abusive. The boys witnessed the abuse and I swore I would never raise them to think treating their GF/wife the way I was treated by their biological father was o.k.

Anyway, I get together with this guy...he lives over an hour away from me (close to his work). His shortcomings don't bother me as he is so kind and genuine to me, my boys and my elderly parents. The kindest guy I had ever met. We are together for years. Basically, I work hard and furnish alot of money for trips (Colorado/Wisconsin skiing, boating, toys (camper trailer/ ATV's, etc) and he does all the behind-the-scene work to keep it all running smooth. I live on 28 acres and he comes up every weekend and stays with us...helps around the farm, I cook food, we do the whole family thing. He has grown kids/grandkids of his own, but one lives pretty far away and the other (daughter) lives about 30 min. away. He has relationships with them, but nothing too close. I have been down the stepmom road before and I told him upfront, his relationship with his kids was his. My first husband (who died) had daughters and I tried to be a stepmom, only to have them work hard to break us up. I was left with a really bad taste in my mouth with this and told him that. His Mom is alive and moved in with him a year or so into our relationship. His Mom told me she always felt his daughter was trying to manipulate him and his ex back together. That really solidified my decision to stay away from any relationship with his kids.

Boy Scouts had been a binder for us. My oldest son earned his Eagle scout and my youngest is working on his Eagle. I volunteered with a troop and my guy volunteered to lead the same troop. We worked together alot with this troop and it was common ground for us. He camped with my boys and I did the most of the behind-the-scene work to keep it going smooth.

Everything is good, so I think. This summer, he did decide to lead a second boy scout troop that has no connection to the one we were in together....it is a troop located in the town where his daughter lives. Then this past summer, he decides to move from the place close to work to the town where his daughter live and the other troop is located. I ask him why and he comes up with several answers....he wants his Mom closer to friends/church, he wants to start a realtionship with his daughter/grandkids, he wants to be closer to the other troop. Not once did he mention our relationship having any influence on his decision to move. Well that raised my eyebrows, but I kept silent. This town is 30 minutes away from me.

My Mom gets sick and I sell a business...the one that took most of my time (but also gave me the good income) in order to take care of her. She passes away this past Sept. I now have my Dad to take care of. They were married nearly 60 years and he is having a hard time. I am really needing emotional support, which my guy kind of gives....the best he probably can. I now have more time to devote to our relationship.

Meanwhile, my guy decides he wants to go for a promotion at work and goes to college (on-line). It will take him 5 years to get his BS.

So this is where it is. He comes over to my place on Friday nite eats, does homework and goes to bed. Sat is spent with his doing homework and most of Sunday, too. He has a hard time with school, so I usually end up spending most of my weekend helping him get it done..he doesn't do as much as he should during the week, so weekends are spent craming it in. I ended up hiring a guy to help me around my place with chores that my guy, my boys and I used to do together. My guy spends two nites a week doing boy scout stuff. He spends a nite or two a week with his daughter/grandkids. He tells me he no longer has money to take me out or buy flowers or anything. This new place is more expensive to rent plus he spends money on buying food, etc for the daughter/grandkids. He doesn't give me anything for food....not that I expect it, but it would be nice to offer. He did just buy a side of beef so they woud have meat, but didn't offer any to my boys and I.

So, I called him on all of this. He tells me he loves me and doesn't want our relationship to end. I ask him where do I and my boys fit into his new life he has built? He doesn't really answer. He told me tonight, the scout troop we do together is about to lose most of the boys, so it will be dissolving. He did offer me the chance to bring my son to the other troop he leads. That was kind of a slap in the face to me. I feel this is one of the things that is a huge wedge between us.

I am still reeling from the loss of my Mom and now I am facing the loss of my long term relationship. I feel he really worked hard to start a different life and I have been blindsided. I don't know how I didn't see all this adding up?? I asked him how did he ever intend to fit all this in and keep our relationship alive? He can't answer that. He just tells me he loves me and I am important to him and he doesn't want our relationship to end. I have a hard time believing him. If I am so important, why has he replaced me with so many other activities.

Any advice would be appreciated.

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The way I see it, you and he are both in a time of great need. And it's causing conflict. You can either acknowledge that and move on with your life with someone else, or try to accommodate both of your new lives. Which do you want to do? I'd bug him to do a bit more homework during the weekdays so he has at least one day on the weekend that he can spend with you.



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yes, you are right. I have asked him to do more of his own homework. Sometimes I feel that I am going to college .... not him. We can see how this goes. I have also tried to get more involved with his daughter. I am not sure about that one. She chooses not to work and yet they are "always broke". I live pretty good, but have worked really hard to get here....everyone looks at what I have and they don't understand it takes a lot of hard work to get ahead. She looks at me and I sometimes feel she thinks I should do more for her and her kids. Kind of strange deal. I am just not sure if getting involved with her is a good or bad thing.

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