I just can't get pass what my ex did to me =/

[lalalollipops]

In the past, I had an ex that was very emotionally manipulative and abusive. In the end we ended badly bc I found out he was being unfaithful and I was devastated to say the least. Recently I've come to realise that there were many things he did through the relationship that has deeply damaged me, namely the mind games and also the emotional and verbal abuse.

 

He would always blow up and call me names. Ok that's sth I could get over...Cos ya know, being called 's' and 'b' and 'w' and delusional, crazy and that I lived in a bubble etc etc aren't terribly damaging..

But I just can't seem to get over him picking on my flaws. My supposed flaws. --"Your eyes are so small (I always get told I have really pretty eyes and lashes! And my eyes were big and much larger than his) "you should get a nose job" (then proceded to pinch my nose. This made me =/ cos people always tell me I have fabulous looking nose) "You need to remove all that body and facial hair (I didn't have any =() "you legs are fat and short(I exercise daily and my legs were toned =( I'm also 5'7). He also said a few times 'when I'm rich, I'm going to pay for you to get a boob job' and then laughed.

 

Sigh.

 

He made me feel crap about myself when during sex, he kept saying "you should be the one making the effort. You're supposed to be the one satisfying ME"; this didn't bother me until he kept saying it. Told me to dominate him and do everything. (he was the passive type, obv didn't know the guy should be the one dominating)

 

He twice forced himself sexually on me and was on the verge of raping me.

Before we broke up, I found out he taped us having sex without my consent or knowledge. Being really shattered (bc of the cheating, lies, emotional blackmail) I didn't delete it (this makes me really uneasy knowing he could post it online someday =/)

But seriously...everything he did to me. It just plays on my mind all the time.

I was never the most confident person, but my god =(

He has completely killed my self esteem.

 

 

What should I do? It's been a while since we broke up. I just can't get over all this.

I have so many emotional hang ups now bc of him it scares me.

[lalalollipops]

He also picked on my voice ( * * * ), the way I did my makeup, threatened suicide when I would want to break up more than once (then I had to talk him out of it). He used to play mind games on me and test me ---ie (telling me he just found out he's been diagnosed with leukemia =/ etc) just to see my reaction, to see how much I cared. He used to gas light me alot too.

 

Eff! It's so hard to put all this crap behind me.

[pl3asehelp]

What a loser. You're way better off.

 

Gotta say though there is no *should* regarding who dominates in bed. Different for every couple and then even for a couple that can change depending on each partners mood.

[lozzy1980]

I read this thread because i am still having similar problems over my ex. it's mad, like you i know i am ok as a person really (e.g. you know your eyes are not small, you know you dont have fat legs etc) but yet the criticisms are still there , and just when you think you are feeling a bit better about yourself...they rise their ugly head and make you start doubting yourself and that self esteem comes crashing back down

 

i was with my ex til end of Jan this yr, and was together 6 yrs. like you, he did all sorts of things to undermine me, criticise me, and basically dominate the whole relationship. said i had a big forhead, hated my hairstyle, big nose, talk funny, dress funny, eat too loud, boring sex. lots of horrid things. these criticisms still enter my head all the time. like when i eat a meal, or talk to my parents on the phone . and i just have to try shake it off and tell myself these were HIS issues not mine.

 

It will take time and a lot of effort but i think we can put THEIR crap behind us. when one of their negative remarks pops up, think of a positive and try to not dwell on their nasty taunts - put them out your mind asap. that is all I can suggest and have been doing. look at other ways of improving your self esteem and never rely on others to boost it for you. i have met a new guy fairly recently and even though he is the complete opposite to my ex, i am cautious (why is he being so nice lol) and i do not look to him to make me feel good about myself - from now on i am relying on myself only for my self esteem and happiness. i do not want to get burnt like that ever again. Hope it all works out for you xxx

[meoww]

I had a somewhat similar ex and I have to say I was a broken person for almost 2 years. Before I met him, I had an even worse boyfriend lol, so as you can see I had a lot of baggage to work through. It CAN and WILL be done!! Right now I'm sure if feels like the damage done to your self esteem is never going to heal but it will in time. You have to fight through it, like any habit that is difficult to break. You can't sit by passively and expect things to get better. I think it's a really positive sign that you were the one to break things off and be proactive about getting out of that toxic relationship. I'm not sure exactly what to tell you since everyone is different, but after my experience I did my best to take life by the horns and do everything I have ever wanted to do. I've become a stronger person and I know I'd never stay with a guy who is basically abusive ever again.