Finally moving on

[ITGirl73]

First of all thank you to everyone that posted in response to my many ramblings here about my "feelings" for work colleague - this is a really invaluable forum for putting down your feelings and getting feedback since there are many times where you are at your wits end and you cannot turn to the people closest to you - it is always easier to put your feelings down and it is important to get impartial feedback from people that are not witness to a particular situation.

 

I have read back my previous posts and this one guy has taken up 2 years of my life and now finally I know nothing will ever happen romantically but this is where I am caught.

 

Yes I have feelings for him, I am very fond of him and I miss him when he is not around - he makes me laugh, he knows when I am upset at work and goes out of his way to make me feel better but he has a girlfriend and he is mad about her and I do get the feeling that he chases after her more than she chases after him but the important thing is - he is not chasing after me.

 

So today we end up on a training course together (we keep getting pushed together very annoying) and so the lunch reared its head, we struck off the two of us and we got on great, chatted, no lulls in the conversation and he was very relaxed with me, he even suggested having another coffee to keep the lunch going longer he was in no rush but I could tell we are only friends, and although I should be devastated since I have loved him for so long I feel fine. (I hope me feeling fine lasts)

 

So end of day at the course and we are getting ready to leave - I was asked to bring a laptop back to an office so I was waiting for the lecturer to be finished with it - I look over and he is emailing the girlfriend - I hung back and he turns to me and says "you don't have to hang around waiting for me to finish my emails" and I replied in a friendly jokey voice - gosh you don't half fancy yourself, I am only here waiting for the laptop I am not waiting for you - he went bright red, the lecturer laughed out loud and I continued in a jokey way - gosh the way you guys think . . . . .

 

Now I know that it over he is never going to make a move on me - it is how to move forward - I really like him - I would miss his friendship but it does hurt when he mentions what he and the girlfriend did the night before - how do I move on being his friend and work colleague and protect myself from getting hurt - we really do get on really well together, he tells me personal things and to be honest I am quite and shy and he really gave me the confidence to talk and chat and be myself - I was out with people I did not know last week (all part of me trying to move on) and I was able to do it and chat to strangers.

 

So what do I want - I know I cannot have him - I don't want him to think of me as the devastated girl that he chose not to date, I would like us to be friends especially when we see each other every day but I don't want to be a doormat either there would have to be limits but I don't want him to interpret my limits as hurt that he did not choose me.

Nor do I want to say - listen I don't want to hear about your girlfriend since I don't want to give him he impression that he has hurt me badly (he has but look I cannot make someone love me as the song says)

 

So what would you advise me to do - what is the next step - I assume from my comment to him today he does now think that I don't have feelings for him.

 

My friends keeps telling me to go out join a gym meet a nice guy but you know I rarely fancy guys - I am not big into guys or marriage or babies or anything like that - it is sad he was the first guy that I actually could see myself with and there was a time when he adored me but obviously I did something wrong or it is my age - it just did not happen for us - what do you think

 

The postive thing here is that I now recognise that it is over and time to move on just need advice re all the above - I envy people that can move on and change and not see the guys anymore but this is not an option for me - there is no deff transfer options for either of us we are both lucky to have jobs - we are both stuck with each other and need to make this work

[SongCoyote]

Hey ItGirl73,

 

Thanks for being so open about your experiences. Sounds like you've found some peace for yourself, but are not quite finished. Closure is what you really need: something to act as a clear end-point for the whole experience. I have two possible suggestions for you depending on your approach to life and what you think will work for you:

 

1. Take an open and honest approach with him. Have another lunch with him and talk with him about your internal journey. Keep it light and friendly, and maybe even throw in a playful apology for teasing him about waiting for him. Then tell him you really enjoy his company and even fancy him a bit, and that you know it's not in the cards for you and appreciate his company and his friendship. End it with a heartfelt request that you continue to be friends, because you actually like and respect him. If you can keep it easy and friendly and he can accept it, you may well cement a lifelong friendship. If not, well, at least you made reasonable overtures and can move on having said your piece.

 

2. Accept that he has a girlfriend and that the door is closed to you. Have another lunch with him and tell him how much you appreciate his friendship. Maybe even throw in a playful apology for teasing him about waiting for him. Tell him you're glad to have a friend you like and respect and that you feel you can talk to. Leave your more intense feelings out of the conversation and let go of them as part of cementing your friendship. Go forward in peace knowing you have a good friend.

 

The underlying importance in either approach is that you, inside yourself, are letting go of your desire for a particular outcome (other than the very general one of keeping the friendship). It's not an easy thing, but until you do you will find it difficult to take steps to find a more appropriate recipient for your interest and passion. And don't fear: they're out there

 

Peace be with you, and I hope it works however is best for you both.

 

Light and laughter,

SongCoyote

[DylanNotorious]

I think this is a great step for you. And I also think to keep this momentum going, please try and go on some dates with other men. Just go for it. Some will be duds, some will be awsome, some will be funny (things to have a laugh about with your g/friends) and this will def take your mind off this guy. If you don't do anything, and just go to work and try and be this guys' friend, those same old feelings will rear their ugly head again because you won't have anything else to focus on, or talk about. And you def don't want to keep focusing on this guy at work!

[ITGirl73]

Thanks guys - and yes I do feel better about myself - I didn't do anything wrong with how I reacted when he told me not wait did I? It was like something just went off inside of me - I knew he did not want me seeing him emailing the girl and I also knew that this was the end of it and time to move on (long overdue) he is not good with teasing - I will chat away tomorrow to him and try to guage his reaction I can always tell when he is upset or in bad form - I think I got more out of the two of us today than what the course was meant to be about but yes I do feel better about myself and yes I will go out there and see what opportunities lie out there - I am not quite dancing around to Beyonce's - the best thing you never had lol but I do feel better and I think I have found out the truth without having to make a fool of myself in front of others

 

If you think I went too far with what I said do please tell me - I always welcome feedback but you know it was the one thing that made me go - hang on there one second !!! and that was long overdue