Broken up = broken hearted

[Heartbrokn1979]

Good day all; Im looking for words of wisdom, help or positive advice!!

 

My girlfriend and I broke up this past Sunday - after taking a "break" for the past 10 weeks!!

 

I am devasted - I have lost my girlfriend and my best friend!! These past 10 weeks were hell; but made a little better with that the hope that everything might be sorted out!!

 

Her reasons were as follows: She says she told me during our time together exactly what she wanted and where she wanted to be at this stage of our relationship - and this together with the fact that she felt that I hadn't formed a good enough relationship with her 7 year old daughter from a previous marriage had resulted in her deciding that she needed to do whats best for both her and her daughter and for now concentrate on just the 2 of them (her daughter was "struggling" with my girlfriends divorse from her ex-husband - and my girlfriend said she didnt want new men in and out of her life affecting her daughter more - yet her ex-husband has had 3 or 4 girlfriends in the same time we were together)!!

 

To an extent she had told me - and I had asked for more time! I just feel that the matter could of been addressed differently - as in she could of sat me down and asked / told me that she needed to know exactly what my intentions were and taken my "answer" to base her decision on that - this obviously didnt happen!! Also - the issue with her daughter; we had just prior to our break decided that her daughter would spend more time at my house; thereby allowing us "quality" time to grow our relationship and my girlfriend was happy with that!!

 

When we actually broke up - my girlfriend said she still loves me etc but just feels that she needs to "sacrifice" her happiness for her daughter right now!! This upset me - my girlfriend also deserves happiness and support - and just seemed unfair on me too!!

 

Is this wrong?

 

Anyway - I obviously want her back - but have no idea on how to go about this?? Is there any hope??

[Awoken]

Hey man, Things sound really tough for you right now. How long where you together? Whenever kids are invovled it does make things 'complicated'. She still has a strong tie with her daugthers dad and may still have unresolved issues from that relationship too. does she still want to have contact with you? If so you will have to let her decided how she wants to talk with you...TRY and be patient and don't push her futher away. TRY and keep your emotions in check too. Hopefully there's not another person involved with this breakup (as in another guy). Let me know what happens.

[winniethepooh]

Uh oh, this doesn't sound good. I'm sorry

 

after taking a "break" for the past 10 weeks!!

She might have been practicing for a break-up. Was there any communication at all during this time?

 

Her reasons were as follows: She says she told me during our time together exactly what she wanted and where she wanted to be at this stage of our relationship - and this together with the fact that she felt that I hadn't formed a good enough relationship with her 7 year old daughter from a previous marriage had resulted in her deciding that she needed to do whats best for both her and her daughter and for now concentrate on just the 2 of them (her daughter was "struggling" with my girlfriends divorse from her ex-husband - and my girlfriend said she didnt want new men in and out of her life affecting her daughter more

On the face of it, these sound perfectly logical and valid. But I'm not sure they're the real reasons, they sound more like excuses designed to placate you.

 

- yet her ex-husband has had 3 or 4 girlfriends in the same time we were together)!!

Not relevant. You weren't in a relationship with her ex-husband (I hope!).

 

To an extent she had told me - and I had asked for more time! I just feel that the matter could of been addressed differently - as in she could of sat me down and asked / told me that she needed to know exactly what my intentions were and taken my "answer" to base her decision on that - this obviously didnt happen!!

Yes, perfectly reasonable observation. So what happened that she made assumptions rather than discussing the relationship with you?

 

Also - the issue with her daughter; we had just prior to our break decided that her daughter would spend more time at my house; thereby allowing us "quality" time to grow our relationship and my girlfriend was happy with that!!

Sounds reasonable. So what changed? You had 10 weeks apart. During which time what was she doing?

 

When we actually broke up - my girlfriend said she still loves me etc but just feels that she needs to "sacrifice" her happiness for her daughter right now!! This upset me - my girlfriend also deserves happiness and support - and just seemed unfair on me too!!

She's trying to make you feel better, but perversely, this makes you feel worse, because it doesn't make sense. And yes it is unfair.

 

Is this wrong?

No, it's not right either. It just is

 

Is there any hope??

Sometimes, but you won't help yourself or the chances of getting back together by focusing on that.

 

You're in a tricky spot. What are the chances that during your 10-week break she reconnected with her ex-husband? And she's doing her best to let you down gently ... in her eyes?

 

I think you probably have to leave her alone now and move on. Maybe you have a shot at addressing the issues she brought up, or a discussion, but wait a few days at least, if not a week or more, before communicating with her again. And assume if you do that you only get one chance, then you have to go dark for months (or for good) if she's not interested in talking to you. I'm uncomfortable saying this because I know you will probably have increased hope, and I don't necessarily know what I'm talking about. But if you take her reasons at face value, then they don't really sound like dealbreakers to me, assuming you are willing and able to work on things with her. Which is why I suspect there's something else going on that she's not telling you. Or there's something relevant that you're not telling us.

 

Have you given her any indication during the time you've been together that you might not always be around to support her?

 

How well do you get on with her daughter?

[Heartbrokn1979]

Thanks for the feedback!!

 

@ Awoken: it is EXTREMELY tough!! Dont think there is anybody else involved - or not to my knowledge (and knowing her)

 

@ Winniethepooh: Definitely not good I know!! . We were together just short of 2 years!! In hindsight - I also wondered about her "practicing" the breakup - there was communication during this period though; and most of it initiated by her!! Not sure what made her think I wasnt "committed" (only thing I can think of is that her sister had met and moved in with a guy after 3 months - her sisters 5th boyfriend in the 2 years my ex and I were together!!) and why she didnt communicate more with me!! During the time apart she actually moved (twice) and her daughter was ill and in hostipal (I did visit and tried to be there for her). Overall - I tried to give her space and support her at the same time (sounds weird); cant think what other reasons she would have - and really hope she is being truthful about this all (she is a really honest person)!! I thought her daughter and I got along OK - but apparently not; and in hind sight it was always an "issue" - another mans child!! But - it was something we were working on - and my ex seemed "happy"!!

[Thorshammer]

Hmmm, not enough to go on for an answer- at least from my end, but I feel like its b.s.

 

Do you honestly feel she was being honest with you? I mean it just seems like such an easy cop out, an easy exit without making her the villian, and its wrong, because she transfers the blame to you (maybe I just feel moody right now). Unless you were cold and unemotional around the kid, then I dont know why she could have spent those 10 weeks communicating what she wanted, and seeing your side of things before she made her decision.

 

I know mothers want the best for their kids. I had a woman chase me for 5 years because I was there for her during her pregnancy, and after, and i was there trying to take care of the baby. When I told her i doubt i couldnt get back with her that easy and that i wasnt sure I would be interested in playing having kids until I take time out to meet the person to know if we can have kids and live happy, that prompted her to block me on facebook and left (though I didnt actually mean the daddy thing like she thought i did).