My best friends/roommates just got engaged...

[Murderface]

Hi, so, my close friends just got engaged this week and I'm extremely happy ...for them. But I feel like . I guess I'm probably just jealous. I shouldn't be, I know it's wrong. They deserve to be happy, they've been together forever (almost 5 years) and I've been with them through the whole relationship. We're all super close, we call ourselves 'The Troublesome Trio'.

I've lived with them for over 3 years and in the past I've felt like their third-wheel many, MANY times... but now, just in the last couple of days alone, I'm getting that feeling more than ever. All this talk about wedding dresses, honeymoons, and bridal showers... it's killing me. And I hide it well for the most part but tonight Krystina (one of the engaged roomies) said she could tell I didn't like talking about the wedding stuff and how every time she mentioned it my tune changed. So I decided to be honest with her and told her how it makes me feel lonely... she then said she didn't even like talking to me about relationship stuff including her wedding because it upsets me and in turn makes her feel bad...(and that's not what I want at all) she then proceeded to say how I should be happy for her and not mad or depressed about it. Except, I don't know how to not feel like over this. I'm ALWAYS the single friend. I've tried relationships and I don't know how to express myself well enough to make any of them last. I'm going to be 23 in January and I'm still a virgin who hardly has any dating experience at all. How can I not feel pity toward myself!? I just admire my roomies so much and all I want is what they have. I'm really happy for them and I don't want my self-pity to effect our friendships through their engagement period and beyond. Any suggestions???

[Tuffly]

Not only is that normal and there is nothing wrong with you for feeling left out, it's incredibly raw and strong of you to acknowledge. So many people act on these feelings and ruin friendships by getting hostile. Kudos to you. To me, that is the epitome of being open and hones with your feelings.

 

I have a friend at work who's "ship has come in" and it rubs me wrong as she talks about how she deserves it after all this time. I grin and bear it because I realize that she's in the infatuation stage and we all really do deserve something good. She doesn't seem to think I've had it bad enough to deserve it like she does or something. Eh, she just forgets that I have the same pangs she had months ago.

 

Anyway, I keep my chin up and smile when I hear all the news. It's not hard to remind myself that this is the joy I want and I'd like my friends to be happy for me when and if it happens. So I do share her joy. And the pessimist in me says to be ready to comfort her if it crashes and burns.

[FathomFear]

I'm in a similar boat but 10 years older. It bothered me much more when I was 22 than it does now, though. I think I learned over time not to always reflect everything back onto myself, as if I needed to always been shaping up the same as my peers. I've gone as far as going on vacation with a couple I'm close with as a third wheel, etc.

 

I think the key thing for me was the realization that reflecting something back on myself and feeling sad did me absolutely no good at all. Not only did it not solve the problem, it usually rubbed off on those around me--much like how your friend sensed that talking to you about her wedding was uncomfortable for you. I would focus on the fact that your own predictament is your own, so to speak, and groveling about it isn't going to do anything productive.

 

Now, that's not to say that you shouldn't invest lots of time to understand your own situation and how to move beyond it. The point is that it should be something you do in a positive manner, such that being exposed to people in your life who are not suffering from the same problems won't immediately make you feel bad about yourself. If anything, you should use them as sources of inspiration--to understand how they got where they are.

 

I apologize if I'm not articulating this well, as it's hard to put into words. It's likely one of those skills that comes with time and experience.