Three weeks later

[The walkingman]

warning: long read, supplying a lot of info so anyone who is nice enough to give me any advice has a lot of information to base it off of.

 

Alright, so a little under a month ago my girlfriend of ~8 months broke up with me kind of out of the blue. She was the first girlfriend that had broken up with me. All my previous relationships had been shorter than this one and ended in me ending it, this was the first girl I guess I really cared about. We never had fights ever and got a long great, every one of my friends always commented on what a great match we were. Her personality\interest really seemed to match mine amazingly which was something I hadn't found in other girls. Anyways as of right now I would still really really like to have her back, and hopefully someone can give me help in doing.

 

Week of breakup:

 

Started off with her on a Friday spending the night, and everything was great so I thought and she ended up leaving in the morning for a double shift at work. She was supposed to get off early that night and the plan was for us to hang out that Saturday night. Late that afternoon I texted her saying asking when we she what time she was going to come over and she texted me saying she just wanted to stay in tonight. I responded with asking if something was wrong/is she mad at me and she said no and that she just needed some more space this week. This didn't seem like her at all so I asked if something was wrong and she just said we had been spending too much time together lately and she needed some time alone till later in the week. Anyways I was concerned over the next few days and we talked a lot and it seemed like everything was fine but she .

thought maybe the relationship had gotten a little too serious for her and she needed more time alone. On monday night I after I sent her a goodnight text she responded after I was asleep saying text saying "I love you and I think there is a good chance this will work" and later around 2 am she sent another text saying "I love you and I'm sorry for everything".

 

Fast forward to Thursday, first time seeing her in 5 days. She had the day off work and came over around 7, and she seemed off at first. She told me some minor things bothering her about the relationship such as me calling her too much for too long (she hates talking on the phone) and that she thought we had been hanging out a little too much and she thought she was losing herself. (For the past 2.5 months she had been spending 3-5 nights a week at my place). Part of this was due to the fact that I'd been busy with school during the day and her work at night, so except for her off days the only time that was available. I know she had said she felt like we had become codependent on each other. Anyways after that we had some heavy making out and a good time hanging out overall but she had to leave early as she told her mom she would be home to help her later that night.

 

Things seemed good and we texted a little more that night, and she said felt a lot better about things. Friday night she had plans to hangout with her friend who was in town but her friend ended up canceling on her and I was going out that night and she decided she really wanted to hang out even though we had agreed we were going to wait till Saturday to see each other again. She seemed like she really wanted to see me, but when she came to the bar she seemed cold and distant like she didn't want to be there and came over for an hour after and ended up not staying the night as would be normal. Saturday she came over around 1pm and she seemed like she really wasn't feeling anything physical that day, so we went out somewhere went on a walk and then went and saw her horse followed by going to starbucks and the she went to work. Then she ended up surprising me by coming over after work and broke up with me. She was over for about an hour and we talked though we were both Very upset, me more so but when she left she was defiantly in tears. Main two things I got out of her was that she "just didn't feel the same way about me anymore and was no longer in love" and that she felt like she couldn't handle a relationship right now. She said it was nothing I did and that it was just her.

 

Anyways I handled the first few days pretty bad. I didn't sleep that night and texted her several times till she finally responded in the morning saying something along the lines is she feels absolutely awful and knows I must be feeling worse and that she is so sorry for everything but she stands by her decision. That morning I decided to go for a drive since I hadn't slept and just got a soda and a coffee drink at drove for a while and called her as I was driving around noon and she answered and we talked for a while but nothing new really came up and she said she was worried about me\other stuff and to call her when I finally got home. I drove a long ways and finally came home around 5pm and called her and she said she was glad I was home and we talked for a little more, nothing too knew, she did say she was worried about me because she said she doubts we could ever get back together, while I was telling her stuff along the lines of I really want her to change her mind, I will be there for her when she dose, ect. Anyways after the call she sent me a text saying thank you so much for being so good to me right now and that she still cares for me and if I really need to talk to don't hesitate to call her.

 

It was fall break so that monday had a get together with about 20 of my friends to try to cheer me up. We were all drinking and they ended up getting me really drunk and I tried to call her several times but she never answered. Ended up passing out in the guest bed and waking up around 5am. Waking up I remembered trying to call her several times and felt really bad, and waking up in the guest bed that me and her used sleep in when we went over to drink at my friends house. Anyways I tried calling her multiple times in the morning and she finally sent me a harsh text saying something along the lines that she is my ex now and I need to stop calling her and deal with the breakup.

 

I then went no contact for 10 days and sent her a text saying hey, no response. I heard from her bestfriend who I was friends with before meeting her that she was annoyed that I had texted her. 2 days later I sent her a text saying I guess you aren't ready to talk to me yet, hope you are doing well. No response. Now it has been another 10 days of no contact, but it has been hard not to but I know it is the best thing to do.

 

 

 

Anyways now some other relevant information:

 

Only time we ever had an argument, if you could call it that was when I found out she had lied to me. What had happened was I had to pick her up at 4am one morning the week before when she had gone to a party with her friend. (She very rarely ever drinks\goes out without me which I view as a good thing). Anyways a dd was supposed to take them back to my place but wouldn't and took them to his friends who lived near him. They get there and were super uncomfortable and one guy was forceful with her and held her down and kiss her, which is what she lied to me about, I found out when she was having me text someone on her phone and I saw a text to her best friend about how she felt so guilty about looking right into the eyes of the person she loved most in the world and lied. Anyways I found out when she was asleep in my bed and left, and called her 2 hours later and she met me at 5 in the morning and she was crying saying she apologizing ect and we talked for a while and she told me how much she loved me and things like that and proceeded to talk till the sun came up. Anyways fastforward to the next day I had friends from out of town coming into town I hadn't seen in a long time and it was a home football game so we got pretty drunk. This was the only time in the relationship I thing I wasn't a great boyfriend, and I sent her text saying it will be hard to trust her now and stuff along those lines and she was very very upset and thought I was going to break up with her. Her best friend thought the same thing so she brought her over after work and I told her I had no intention of breaking up with her and we smoothed things over. This was 3 weeks before her breaking up with me and I believe around the time her feelings began to change because of this night. I know I really upset her the second night by overreacting to things and made her cry at work and I apologized several times.

 

Another major issue the last 5 weeks or so of the relationship was her depression. She said she has been depressed for several years but in the last month it was pretty bad. She had hidden it from me before then and it hadn't been as bad.

The first night I really found out about it I came over to visit her and she was very depressed and talking about suicide. She said the only reason she wasn't going to kill herself that night was she had promised her mom earlier in the day she wouldn't. Needless to say I was very worried and stayed over for a few hours and talked to her. She told me that I was the only good thing in her life and she felt like she didn't deserve me and that she didn't know why I was even with her. She also said that she felt like I was always on the verge of breaking up with her, though I don't know what would make her think this.

After that night I think I committed to the relationship more. I started giving her more attention, calling her more, texting her more, complimenting her more, ect. Now we are both people who like some alone time and I think this bothered her though she never expressed that. After her breaking up with I heard form her friend that she thought I was too clingy and hated always having to check in with me to ease my mind and she wanted more freedom. (She isn't near as open with her friends as she was with me though, none of them really no much if anything about her depression). I thought maybe I could help her depression and I encouraged her to go to the doctor and start counseling which she is doing now, but I think me coming off as really needed kind of killed some of her affection for me. Another minor factor I know bothered her was that the last 3 weeks of the relationship I was super busy with schoolwork (very demanding major) and we hadn't done anything really except her coming over and spending the night, and I know it bothered her that it seemed like the only 2 things in my life were her and school.

 

Other things that may be relevant I'm 22 she is 19. I'm a full time student and she is taking the semester off and working right now and we both live in apartments about 10 minutes from each other.

 

I've been going out on the weekends and working out 6 days a week since the breakup but nothing seems to take my mind off her. I used to have insomnia which I had mostly gotten rid of about 2 years ago, but it has came back in full force since the breakup and I haven't been able to sleep for more than 4-5 hours a night even with my sleeping medication I take every night. I have very active dreams every night, which have usually been about her so it is pretty much impossible to start my day off without thinking about her.

 

I just don't get how she can go from so in love with me to breaking up with me in such a short time period. She had been talking about plans for spending Christmas together, next summer, ect.

[pl3asehelp]

She's suicidal - she should be in a hospital. She's nowhere near together enough to have a relationship.

[LDRohnos]

It sounds to me as if she's just in a very bad depression...and probably has been in one for a long time. It's extremely difficult to be in a relationship with someone that allows themselves to fall so far into a hole, eventually she would have dragged you down with her.

 

I think, for both of your sakes, she made the right choice here to break up with you. Maybe you guys are meant for each other and you mesh so well...but so long as she's in this kind of depression she's not fit for a healthy relationship with you...or anyone. She needs to focus on working on herself and getting her self-esteem back. That could have been what she meant by the fact that she's losing herself.

 

To be in an exclusive relationship you're relying on someone else to fulfill needs...when you're in a depression and you can't even fulfill your own needs and you aren't happy, adding someone elses needs/desires isn't something that is feasible. She needs to fall in love with herself and get herself out of her depression, then...maybe...she can have a healthy relationship with someone. Not until then.

 

If you want to help her do this, you can...by encouraging her and understanding that while it's extremely unfair that you were so hurt by this that she's going through something that she cannot do with you and only by herself.

[The walkingman]

She's suicidal - she should be in a hospital. She's nowhere near together enough to have a relationship.

 

It's not always that bad and when she broke up with me she was taking steps to fix but idk how it is now. I know her mother used to suffer from it and her brother still does. It was only apparent to me the last 5-6 weeks of our relationship, and I think it made it impossible to pick up any signs about problems with the relationship when I'm normally a very perceptive person. I think me worrying about her so much also made me appear as a lot less of a strong\confident individual, so I'm hoping if she got her depression under control she would want to come back but I feel like she wants to completely forget about me for some reason. She never did take her depression out on me but I know one thing she told me was stressing her out when we broke up is that she felt like she was required to show improvement any time I tried to help. Right now I'm trying my best to make myself an even better individual as best I can so that I'm someone she would want back and if not then I will hopefully increase my odds of finding someone as good or better. Right now I'm still in the mindset of I might not ever find someone I like as much though I'm sure there are multiple people out there.

 

Also for me this makes the breakup harder, while I wasn't this girls first boyfriend I did take her virginity. I think that made me more attached to her, though I thought it was supposed to work the other way around. Her being the only person I've truly been totally open with and trusted makes it harder as well.

[The walkingman]

Bah, so I got on facebook today (something I rarely do) and saw she put up a quote this morning about fear/love and it made me wonder if it has something to do with me (or maybe another guy but I would hope not). Luckily I've managed to avoid contacting her which I'm sure would still be the worst thing I could do right now. Been 30 days since the breakup now, 2 weeks since I last initiated contact with no response and I've been going out every friday/saturday and trying to constantly better myself every day but I still find myself thinking about her/missing her too much.

 

A large part of her breakup was the "my feelings have changed" and I think now a lot of this was due to me coming off as really needy/insecure/ect the last month of the relationship. As far as breakups go does this make getting back together more or less likely?

 

I also found out this weekend that my best friends girlfriend who lives half way accross the country is having lunch with her when she comes into town for winter break in a bout a month, so that should be interesting.

[notimeman]

She knows you care about her. She knows you want her back. What else can you say that will change anything? Nothing, right?

 

If she wanted to be with you, she'd call you. Clearly that's not happening. So step back and reconsider. Focus on you and move on. I know its tough, its something I'm dealing with right now. Its 5 weeks since we've broken up and 4 weeks since my last contact (she didn't respond). She knows how I feel about her. She knows what I want. All I can do now is improve myself (thereby making me happier) and let her decide whether she's still interested in me.

[Thorshammer]

I just read your pm, you are right, your situation is very similar to mines.

 

My ex also had depression. Her mother had it and took medication for it, when her mother didnt have it, she was vey agitated. Her grandmother has it as well. My ex was neglected by her mom, as her mom dealt with her depression by drinking before she got help.

 

My ex also said that she was, "losing herself". She also said she feels as she is too dependent on me, that she cant shop for food or do laundry without me being there, and it was something she didnt like. Unfortunately I never figured it out. I reasoned its because she was doing things to make ME happy, and not her. She would go out less, stay home to watch movies with me, and hold back her constant nagging so I dont get upset (she got really agitated, which is what i reasoned was due to her depression). I believe it was her way to say that she cant be the "girlfriend" anymore to make me and her happy, and that she wanted out. So i tend to sway towards the side that says.. she doesnt want to be a girlfriend, she feels like life is better single, that being single fits her idea of what she wants, so she is "lost" to being committed and taking on the issues.

 

My ex also cried when she broke up with me, and had serious anxiety about it, and she worried about me. She went back and forth from saying she didnt love me like that anymore, to i dont know i know i love you though. She said she would be alone forever after the BU. But, her words doesnt fit her actions. My ex got a taste of the single-life when she went with her friends to miami, i saw a pic of her and her friend drinking and wasted with guys, and i told her, "whats this... i dont trust your judgment around your friends anymore, they are desperate for men, and thats their goal in these places.. not yours." That led directly to the break up.

 

To be fair to my ex, she said was losing herself before that trip. I just think they want out, their depression just makes them feel bad about it. I was with my ex for 3 years, her depression rubbed off on me, i became just as insecure as her. Our sex-life was ruined. Every bf she ever had left her for someone else because they couldnt deal with her agitiation- i was the only one that didnt, and she gave up on me.

 

She ended up going into my fb, 2 weeks later i send a feeler letter... i got nothing but her defending her decision to break up. 2 months after i sent her a video since i did react harshly to her behavior (she would say she has, then say no.. when she said she didnt have depression, that to me meant I MEAN WHAT I SAY... SO BACK OFF... which made things worse), and she knows now that my other ex's are chasing after me. I got nothing but a thank you.

 

So, in my case, and from what i see from yours, its not that easy to figure out. You want to take into account depression, possible quarter-crisis depression, her just wanting out, etc. Its not a good relationship. I took the blows and hung in there, even though the sex was bad, and i took so much bs that i didnt even want to help her move (when i am an otherwise hero-type guy that loves to help his girlfriend)- and at the end, that meant nothing. Its not a normal relationship, its hard on both, depression is hard enough to deal with alone, adding a life partner to that just means you amplify the situation for many.