How did I get here?

[Lola55]

I met a guy two years ago while I was living and working in Ghana for three months. I live in Canada. We met on the first day or so that I was there. And we instantly connected, spent every day together and fell deeply in love. The whole time I was trying to keep it light, just have a fun fling, but it turned into way more and I lost control of my rational thought.

 

From the moment we got serious, I was resistant to trusting him. I have had trust issues before which I constantly try to confront and work through so I just chalked it up to that. When I came home I was broken hearted. I wanted and longed to be with him so bad. We kept talking almost everyday. I irrationally ran up phone bills and just needed him so so much. We didnt have a concrete plan at that point, I had one year left of school then planned to go back to him. During this time while I was back home, I began to find that there was always something with him. He was always lying about something, I would discover him talking with some girl, and it went on like that for a while. I would cry and fight him over it every time and forgive. It made no sense that I would keep holding on. He lives so far, it's so hard to get him to come back...and he was lying to me, why couldnt I just let go? Eventually, I found out that he cheated on me. At that point, I was done. We had been keeping things going for a year at that point and I completely cut him off. Changed my phone number, I was done.

 

Then about three months later, we started to correspond again. At this point, I was only wanting to be friendly, after all I still cared about the guy. Then he began explaining away why he did what he did. And I evenutally felt like I was understanding him. He made me feel like I was never trusting of him and I was always looking for him to mess up. Which I can agree I was doing, and I began to see my faults in the relationship which may have led to him cheating. I began to feel like I contributed to him straying. Plus, we were apart so long. However, I stayed true to him the entire time. After this talking...I started to feel the same need for him all over again. We were back into it, even though at this point, it had been over a year since we even saw one another.

 

I decided to go back to see him and really confront my feelings. I only could go for a month because of work but in that time it was very up and down. My feelings were foggy. But very real at the same time. By the end of the visit, we had decided to really give us a chance. He would keep working on the things he needed to try and come to Canada and I would come again in a few months to see him. Things were stronger than ever, and I was really really hopeful despite all the awful crap he had put me through in the past. I felt he had changed.

 

I came home again and was so sad all over again. I've just been living my life, working, seeing friends, but never really feeling alive. I am so lonely, I miss him so much and it's been so hard. For the first while of being back things were good. But recently, he has been pulling some of the same crap he pulled back when we first started the long distance thing. I havent caught him cheating but he will go out and his phone will be off and even though he has promised time after time to call me as soon as he gets home, he never ever does. I can't take it anymore. If he wants to be with me, if he wants to do this, why can't he just give me what I need already??!

 

He says I am too demanding and overbearing. Because of the past, my trust for him is still not all there. When he goes out (because in the past he would turn his phone off for days or ignore my calls) I have flashbacks to how he used to be and I freak out a bit. My only way of remaining sane is to know he will always pick up my calls and he will call me when he gets home. After him not giving me this time after time, I have grown to be so angry. I am angry at him all the time and I pick fights with him over stupid things. He says I cry too much and that's why he doesnt always feel motivated to give me the things I keep asking for. I am so exhausted. And I am so lost. At this point, I can't even tell what's real anymore. Is it me? Am I messed up and have serious trust issues and will never be happy with a man until i overcome them? Or is it him? I just feel like i can't do this anymore. But I am afraid to lose him even though he's not here. It's so so messed up......how did I even get here?

[camus154]

I simply don't understand these so-called relationships with people who don't even live in the same country.

 

Canada has plenty of men, yes? Why not start there.

[Lola55]

I feel in love. And here I am..

[camus154]

It's a feeling. It will pass. In the meantime, why not look at your situation a bit more pragmatically? He already cheated on you, you already have trust issues with him, and you live on opposite ends of the world!

[EmeraldFrog23]

Incredible, your story sounds so much like mine!

The only difference is I met my guy here in the U.S. he was able to stay here for a year before returning home (India). As soon as the long distance started the problems began. Very similar to what you describe actually. He would never call even though I would beg him to. Stressful things would happen in my life and when I would call him I would find that he was out partying and drinking with friends. It got to the point where I ended things. We didn't talk for 8 months, I even dated another guy but I missed him so much and couldn't stop thinking about him. So we reconnected and resumed our relationship. I made plans to see him and ended up staying for 2 months. But the trip was not what I expected it to be at all. Nevertheless he proposed to me (April 2011) and I accepted. When I returned to the U.S., we began making plans for breaking the distance and figuring out a way for him to move to the U.S. Yet again his old unreliable ways started up again but I dealt with it time and time again because I loved him and wanted to marry him.

Just recently I found out that he had been subscribing to adult hook up websites and emailing some girl who had sent him sexy pictures from such websites. I was devastated but willing to forgive him and move on in our engagement plans but he just treated the incident with so little concern. That hurt me so much and just this past weekend I ended things for good.

 

My advice to you as a fellow sufferer in a long distance inter-cultural love affair gone sour, do not prolong it. Do not make up with him. Move on with your life. If he cannot be faithful to you right now then the immigration process will destroy you. I'm not sure how tough it is in Canada but the immigration process in the U.S. is demanding, stressful, and a true test of the strength of your relationship. I've found that many couples break up because the immigration process got to be too much for them to deal with.

What I'm saying is that you have to enter the immigration process as a strong couple fully in support of each other.

That is NOT what you're getting from this man. Don't hurt yourself any longer or lose any more sleep over him. I know it hurts but it's for your own good.

Best of luck.