Was This Sexual Assault?

[JU27]

Hello,

I'm not sure exactly what the definition of sexual assault is, but I don't know what to call this. I know it wasn't rape and it wasn't anything serious or a big deal. But still, it affected me a lot and I don't know why.

A guy and I were at my house. He had a couple drinks, I didn't have anything to drink. But, I was very anxious. We were on my bed, and he kept yelling that I am dumb and that I'm not normal. He said I should take my pants off. I took my pants off. He was yelling how since I'm a virgin, I should have sex with him. I was just anxious and didn't know how to respond to him. We didn't have sex but he said I should touch him so I did. He then did "dry sex" but we didn't have intercourse. After, he said that "Noone can put up with your S***." He said I'm the one that will be lonely, and that "I will learn."

I think he pressured me, but I don't think this was sexual assault. I didn't say yes or no. I kindof just gave in to whatever he was saying. I don't know why what he said affected me a lot, except I am very sensitive. I have been kindof insecure ever since this happened. I felt ashamed after.

I know I played a part in this....but I was just wanting some feedback on what this was....I know rape is definitely considered sexual assault, but how exactly is sexual assualt defined?

Thank you......

[delicous]

Were you scared of him? How well do you know him? It sounds like he was pressuring you and definetly insulting you which can be looked at as "assault or even "abuse." Since you did consent and he didn't force you, it wouldn't be considered rape. This is just in my opinion, a lawyer may think other wise.

Not sure, but I definetly think this guy has some serious problems...

[JU27]

No, I wasn't scared

[HeartGoesOn]

Did he force you to get on the bed?

[BellaDonna]

I think he pressured me, but I don't think this was sexual assault. I didn't say yes or no. I kindof just gave in to whatever he was saying

 

I don't think sexual assault took place.

 

What did seem to take place is that he degraded you verbally and acted like a jerk, but instead of kicking him out you were caught off guard, and intimidated, and gave in. If you had told him no, or he threatened you verbally if you "didn't" do what he said, then I would consider it assault. But he never threatened you, he just went off on a rant about random rude things and you never told him no.

 

He is a terrible jerk. I hope you no longer see him.

 

Live and learn. If you are ever in that type of situation again tell the guy to get lost.

[JU27]

Thanks...No he didn't force me physically or anything.

[delicous]

I agree with Belladonna..He didn't rape you but definetly insulted you and is clearly a jerk when hes drunk..

[stardust65]

I think there has to be an imbalance of power. It is clear that this guy is a total jerk, and he never should have treated you the way he did. It is not clear if this was a sexual assault, some would say it was. There are some who would say you could have told him no, even though he pressured you.

 

I am sorry to hear that you feel shame, and guilt. There is nothing you did to make you feel shame or guilt. What you need to do is to think of this as a learning experience, to take responsibility for your self, to become more self assertive.

[HeartGoesOn]

There is no doubt that he was verbally abusive, you certainly didn't deserve that, and I'm sorry this happened. Was there anyone else in the house at the time?

[JU27]

No, noone else was in the house

[SpottiOtti]

Hey, JU27.

 

I'm sorry that this happened to you. I think it is a very big deal to have some drunk guy on your bed insulting you and ordering you around, especially if you are not prepared or don't know how to deal with people like that. It's understandable that you are experiencing anxiety and shame and are feeling insecure. If you feel like you need to talk further about this, there are people at link removed that are trained to deal with this sort of thing, and they can give you all kinds of information and advice. If you go to the website, there is a link on the top right for the online hotline.

 

Take care.

Spotti

[JU27]

Thanks, that is a helpful website

[suxa]

Please stay away from him. Don't ever see him again when it's just two of you.

 

You said you weren't scared... ? But why were you and this guy in the house alone to start with? Are you two friends? What is your relationship with him? How does he know that he could treat you this way, and get away with it? Have you been abused either emotionally or sexually in the past? Is he older than you???

 

Seriously, it's not ok to touch the guy just because he commanded it. The normal reaction is for the girl to either kick him out or get the heck out of that situation. I feel like we're missing something. If the same thing happened to me, I would have behaved similarly to JU27... because I didn't know that the only person who could protect me, who could say no, was ME.... Do you know this?

 

I think he's testing the waters to see how far he can go, and he went as far as he wanted to, for the time being.

 

Please, please, please. You need help. Please explore why you acted the way you did. Consult a friend, but I would recommend an adult, if you aren't.

[JU27]

It was the first day that I met him, he was a friend of my friend, but I didn't know him. He was younger than me (20). I was 22 at the time. I'm 25 now, and I don't think I would respond in the same way. I didn't think it was a big deal, so I've never told anyone. I just haven't been able to understand why it affected me so much, and how I felt shame and guilt from it. Like, sometimes what he said plays out in my mind, and makes me insecure about not being "normal," I don't know why. Yes, I was verbally abused at about the same time this occurred, by someone else. I had been emotionally and physically abused before this, but not anything serious, like a sibling teasing me. Thanks for your responses.