Ultimatum to ex

[nestorZ]

So. It's been almost 3 months since BU, 5 weeks of NC, 5 weeks LC (not initiated by me).

We hooked up a few times while drunk, and whenever she gets drunk or lonely, she sends me messages that she loves me, I'm the best thing to ever happen to her, she misses me etc etc.

 

This is really * * * * ty for me, I feel like I'm being strung along... Just as I manage to think less about her, she sends me something like that and messes with my head again.

 

She does care for me, but can't be with me atm because she has a whole lot of personal problems.

 

I always thought there was someone else in the picture, but there isn't. It just seems that she's really that messed up.

Whenever I ignore her calls for a little while, she wants me like crazy. But when I start replying, she seems to cool off.

 

 

I really care about her and you could say that I love her and she's been acting quite well lately. Flirting with me and being a bit provocative which I love. BUT, she often switches to the cold personality and then I again feel like an idiot.

 

This Friday I'm meeting up with her and I'm thinking of giving her an ultimatum. She can either get her act together, be honest and be with me again. Or she can lose me completely.

 

It's a hard thing to do and I'm sure I'll have a mighty struggle with it, but I feel like it's the only right thing to do. I need to spare myself from more pain which I would suffer if we continued like this.

 

What are your thoughts?

 

I really need some advice or reassurance, this isn't easy for me.

 

Thank you!

[espress]

Messed up women need therapy. If she's not well mentally, an ultimatum won't change anything.

 

Why do you want to be with a messed up woman? What sort of relationship do you think you can actually have with a person like that?

[LSgirl]

I'm in the same boat. Last night my ex told me that he needed to work on himself. I told him I couldn't just be friends bc it would be too hard. I want to tell him he either needs to try and work on this or let me move on completely. Just when I thought I was going NC, he sends me a letter in the mail pouring his heart out, thought it was to get back with, but it wasn't. I don't want to be on standby with him, it's not fair for me. I would like to hear people's responses.

[nestorZ]

Messed up women need therapy. If she's not well mentally, an ultimatum won't change anything.

 

Why do you want to be with a messed up woman? What sort of relationship do you think you can actually have with a person like that?

 

 

 

Well, she has been completely normal when we were together, but lately she has big problems in her life. (family tragedy, college problems, alot)

 

I don't think she's messed up meaning she's crazy or unstable, she is just lost a bit atm.

 

And she's a great person, one of the best people I've met. I knew her before we started dating.

 

 

@LSgirl: I know what you feel like, it's tough.

[espress]

Last night my ex told me that he needed to work on himself.

 

move on

 

don't be just friends, it will rip your heart out

[espress]

lately she has big problems in her life

 

then she probably would not be able to have a relationship right now, not a healthy one anyway

 

if she doesn't want to be with you, let her go

 

never chase someone who doesn't want to be with you right now

[nestorZ]

So I should tell her not to contact me anymore and basicaly let me live my life?

 

I don't know how the ultimatum could be bad, because if it doesn't work, I'll go to your solution anyway.

[LSgirl]

I know I shouldn't chase him, and i didn't. I went NC when we broke up, then he sends this letter and it showed he wanted a second chance, until we met and he wanted to "take it slow" but that doesn't mean he wants to stay in the relationship as we are still broken up. He chased me with that letter, dangled the carrot, I came back to give him a second chance, and now he wants to work on himself. It's so painful!

[Day_Walker]

Ultimatums dont work, realize that hooking up with her and keeping in contact is only hurting you and reopening the breakup wounds.

[nestorZ]

I see what you mean.

 

I'm thinking of telling her that we should go NC for some time (a month?, dunno) and then if she want to reconciliate, she sould call me and I'll be the judge if she has changed.

Because she didn't really have alot of time to miss me.

 

And if we don't feel like getting back together after some time, we'll just keep NC and slowly forget about this.

 

Is that ok?

[learning2relax]

NZ - you are handling this like some type of contract negotiation. First of all, ultimatum's are the surest way to send someone running in the opposite direction.

 

Stating that you are going NC and putting a time limit on it.....what is that going to accomplish? She will know you are there and that you will be back.

 

You will be the judge? Didn't she break up with you?

 

The best thing that you can do is to chose to go NC for yourself. You appear to have some mixed up views of a relationship and about reconciling a lost one. You chose NC without announcement or forewarning. If she contacts you, you can chose to answer, not answer, respond, not respond.....etc.... I have found that when I was most emotional and wanting the relationship back, I was in this type of mode where I was putting all kinds of limits and boundaries and conditions on things about him or about getting back together or about communication....or all of the above. The thing is, when you are this emotional, you will not stick to it. If you are emotional, you are still very impulsive. NC and working on getting you back is about getting you back to being a rational, self confident and loving human being - regardless of anyone or any outside influences. It is to give yourself time and space to stop being irrational and as a result, impulsive. Your desire for her back, your emotional state tied to that desire and your expectations of same are keeping you stuck.

 

Let go and get some space and time. Get rational. Get the ability to enjoy the 20/20 vision that hindsight provides. You will make better decisions when you are there. Not when you are "here."

 

If she contacts you and you want more time and want to respond - just let her know that you need time. She won't be expecting that -she is using her as her emotional crutch and you have let her. Just let her know that it is too painful for you to be with her in that capacity when you are still hurting over the breakup and wish her the best. That is all. Don't put time limits on anything. For goodness sakes - by all means don't tell her to get her act together and contact you when she wants you back and you will judge whether she has changed or not - that would send me running for the hills!!!!

 

Just be kind. Be honest. You have allowed yourself to be her crutch and you are stuck and not getting better. You keep looking for the quick fix to your pain and not finding it. Putting demands or conditions on her is NOT the way to solve for this. You need to get honest with yourself and stand on your own two feet.

[nestorZ]

Wow... This is an amazing post, thank you.

 

After reading your post, I realized one thing. My main goal is to be HAPPY, with or without her. So if she makes me miserable, I'll obviously have to get away from her.

 

Since I have a meet with her arranged this Friday, I'll go there and simply tell her that I don't feel comfortable talking to her anymore since we're not together. I won't talk about getting back together, I've done more than enough of that. I'll stop talking to her after that conversation and simply try to move on with my life.

 

I need to appreciate myself much more. I'm young, handsome, smart and a genuinely nice person, but I'm way too emotional and after some time in a realtionship, I always let my gf be the dominant one.

 

Self improvement is the way to go, I have no reason not to be confident about myself and about finding someone who will appreciate me for what I am

 

THANK YOU learning2relax, you really opened my eyes.

[learning2relax]

Since I have a meet with her arranged this Friday, I'll go there and simply tell her that I don't feel comfortable talking to her since we're not together anymore. I'll stop talking to her after that conversation and simply try to move on with my life.

 

Again, don't spell things out. You could tell her that you have to cancel as there is something that you need to take care of and apologize for cancelling. Then leave it at that. If you chose to go, be pleasant and friendly. Have a nice visit and then say good night. Then don't contact. Just leave it be. Go work on yourself.

 

If you tell her "I don't feel comfortable talking...." that can be taken as the ultimatum - bad idea. There are also a number of other ways she could misinterpret.

 

Here is the thing to remember......you are no longer in a relationship. There are no expectations. Nothing needs to be spelled out or communicated in advance - like you do when you work at communication when you are in a relationship. Doing so only smacks of your not accepting of the fact that you are broken up. It is a sign of weakness and co-dependence. Just let it be. Nothing needs to be said or expressed.

 

Let her wonder and better yet, ask what is up. Now she is showing interest. And even then, you play your cards close to the vest. NOT because you want her back. Because you want you back and you know that you are in a vulnerable state. You are caring for you. Not what she thinks, wants, asks.....that is not the priority. You are.

[EgoJoe]

I agree with everything l2relax said except that I don't think you should tell her anything. I think you would do well to not meet up with her and start ignoring her, completely.

 

For as long as you need. Come here, PM me or whatever. You don't need to announce NC or anything. You want to be a man? Set boundaries that she will suddenly be aware of when you're not there anymore. Don't meet up, don't talk to her and don't explain anything. You're a man so be a man.

[nestorZ]

If you chose to go, be pleasant and friendly. Have a nice visit and then say good night. Then don't contact. Just leave it be. Go work on yourself.

 

If you tell her "I don't feel comfortable talking...." that can be taken as the ultimatum - bad idea. There are also a number of other ways she could misinterpret.

Ok, I understand.. But if I don't tell her not to contact me, she'll send me messages and call me. And I should do what, just ignore her?

I have no problem with looking uninterested, but I don't want to be rude and just ignore her calls without telling her not to call me. That would seem kinda childish, wouldn't it?

Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel it's appropriate to tell her we should stop all contact, but maybe I won't say why. (she should know that part herself)

[learning2relax]

I agree EgoJoe....I would recommend NOT meeting up, NOT having a conversation, NOT engaging at all - just going NC and getting my wits back. However, if he feels compelled, which when we are emotional, we convince ourselves that we are (or at least in my weakest moments, I did), and gave him better ways of handling vs. the ways he was strategically planning of doing when in that moment. Just offering a better way to handle it vs. the way he proposed. The best the OP could do at this point is to separate himself without announcement, note, warning or a breadcrumb trail in his wake......to get himself back to a healthier and more rational state of mind.

[learning2relax]

Ok, I understand.. But if I don't tell her not to contact me, she'll send me messages and call me. And I should do what, just ignore her?

I have no problem with looking uninterested, but I don't want to be rude and just ignore her calls without telling her not to call me. That would seem kinda childish, wouldn't it?

Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel it's appropriate to tell her we should stop all contact, but maybe I won't say why. (she should know that part herself)

 

I would personally not answer her calls or texts. When she broke up with you, was she concerned about being rude? It isn't rude to take care of yourself and to set healthy boundaries to do so. I did offer you the suggestion to tell her that you can't talk and need some time as the breakup is fresh and you need some perspective. Or I said something similar.

 

See what I mean about being rational vs. irrational......you need time and space to gain the perspective that the hurt and loss is blinding you of.

[EgoJoe]

I agree with justifying we all did it. Hence why I don't suggest anything that leaves room for it. OP: YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HER FEELINGS. SHE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOURS. SHE IS PLAYING YOU LIKE A FLUTE AND MAY NOT EVEN BE AWARE OF IT.

 

Forget her, she's chinatown. Ignore her until you get her head right and she'll realize "oh he's not going to play this game." My ex NEVER tried the blatant sheiza on me and when she did try some passive sheiza I was too direct for it to fly and when she tried once again. I stopped talking to her. She sent me a pathetic message at 3:30am talking about herself and telling me "she hoped I had moved on and was also in a better place"

 

What did I do? First it hurt, then I laughed it off and didn't respond. She's gotta come correct or not at all. I deserve better. These game playing young girls get away with too much. Respect yourself and don't play that game.

[nestorZ]

Thanks, I'll stop all contact with her.

 

You're right, atm she isn't good enough to be with me. She's the one playing games when I don't deserve that

 

I'll be fine on my own.

[Angler]

You're right, atm she isn't good enough to be with me. She's the one playing games when I don't deserve that

 

I'll be fine on my own.

 

Being able to type it is one thing, living it is another altogether.

 

I'm right there with ya, bro.

[nestorZ]

I know it's tough but I'm sure I can pul it off.

 

I already went NC for a month but I blew it when she met me in a club (I was dead drunk) and she basically had sex with me (I was wrecked) and then it started all over again.

 

This time it will be for good!

[learning2relax]

Yeah, that ex sex will totally mess with your head. Lesson learned. Back to taking care of yourself and not getting sucked into those mind games. Remember to be most honest with yourself. That is also very important.

[nestorZ]

It's all like you said it would be.

 

As soon as I made this decision to go NC, I started thinking that maybe she wants to be with me, that maybe it's wrong to do this, that I should stay in contact with her...

 

There are the thoughts I need to eliminate.... And I'm sure I'll manage to do so, nothing will break mi this time. It's for my own good.

[EgoJoe]

Everytime you think about talking to her I want you to picture her sitting around with all of her girlfriends at 1:30AM after not getting enough guys to buy them enough drinks to be drunk enough settle for the only guys who would want them. I want you to picture her saying, "I'm just gunna text Mr. Crybaby and tell him I love him, he'll come pick me up and love on me all night and then I'll get breakfast, a ride home in the morning and he'll be fawning all over me again."

 

Friend 1: LOL what a loser

 

Friend 2: Haha, I'm going to do that with my ex too.

 

Friend 3: I'm going to another bar before last call because my Ex won't even talk to me. When I bothered him enough after he was ignoring me all he said was, "The only person you're fooling is yourself. Where is your self respect?" I'm going to leave him alone because even if he did answer he'd just laugh at me again.

 

Just a hypothetical situation. Now, who do you want to be? You or Friend 3s ex?

[nestorZ]

Yeah, you're spot on there...

 

I need to think of myself for once and have selfrespect which I deserve and NEED to have.