The man who can't love

[tujna]

OK, this will be a crazy story but please bear with me.

 

I think I love an ex-date/and a friend of mine. The problem is that he is so selfish, so self-absorbed and so independent that does not seem to be able to ever commit. He gets bored with people and he moves on to the next person. We dated for 3-4 months but he ended it when things were going great, with no apparent reason. It turned out he was seeing another girl in the meanwhile as well. Somehow, I guess because he was not able to give me a relationship, we started becoming close friends but he was always very alert to not cross the line sexually. During the last year, I have seen him with at least 30 girls but he would never again be with me. He would just be with someone random during the night and then would spend the whole weekend with me, talking, spending time together. I dealt with the situation as best as I could, given that I have feelings. One day, I asked him point blank if he only now saw me as a friend and he said "yes." He did not want a relationship or marriage any time soon - even though he is past 30. As hard as that was, I accepted it. So many girls came and left, we had a lot of ups and downs but somehow managed to keep the friendship.

 

Recently, I became very mad with him because he got with a girl who is from our circle. I am fine with him doing whatever he wants but not with people close to both of us. He crossed the line. This time I really tried to end the relationship but, again, was not able to. He does not stop seeking me, giving me attention, etc. Tensions have been building so much and finally, it was unstoppable. There is just very strong attraction between us and, for first time after more than a year, we were together. I told him I love him in some way and he said that he loves me too, without even thinking about it. It is the first time ever he has said something like that. I told him that I knew. He told me he likes to hunt for girls, etc. I told him I knew. Of course, I knew that this happiness would come with a price and, several days later, he was again with this other girl. I sent him a message telling him that nothing means anything for him. He replied that a lot of things mean a lot to him (go figure what that means). This was the first time we have spoken about feelings.

 

I am really confused. I know that this is not healthy, I know this is a crazy pattern. I just seem to be unable to stop having feelings for him. I know he loves me in his own way (as much as he can love). But, he is addicted to having attention from more than one girl at a time. He cannot live life without drama and I am a major participant in it. He is feeding off of that while keeping my honest friendship, no matter how many time he has hurt me.

 

I guess I am not looking so much for advice of what to do but more insight from people who have experience with that type of personality. I know everyone will say to ignore him but somehow I always let him back in. We are in a shaky period again and I am not sure I will be able to keep the friendship right now - I just want to have more of him and he will not give it. Is this type of person capable on feeling real love or changing?

[Notagoodninja]

I do think he probably does love you, but I do think this guy is a sex addict who won't change. So you can get with him, if you can accept the fact that he's a womanizer, he won't change, he wants variety, he will cheat on you always. Your choice.

[Moneypenny]

I came accross a website by author Robert Burney last night. He has some wonderful insight into setting personal boundaries. He also has a good section on romantic relationships......

 

link removed

[CatsMeeoow]

I just want to have more of him and he will not give it

 

There is your answer... There is nothing in what you wrote that suggests he wants to change. He sounds pretty happy with his life the way it is. You, on the other hand sound pretty miserable about it. A lepeord doesn't change his spots I'm sad to say. I think you need to figure out a way to let this one go and find someone who is into you for all things and not just as a place to crash when he chooses.

 

Good Luck

[tujna]

Thank you for your responses, guys. They are spot on. I did ask him that we stay away from each other for a while and he said that he understands. He told me to always rely on him in anything, he said that it was a dear relationship. I really had no other choice at this point - I could either pretend I didn't care, continue the old way and swallow the hurt or say something for the first time. I think it is good that for the first time I told him how I felt, I was really honest. After all, if you don't try to communicate, people can never know how you feel (the website was very good and made a similar point). I guess to some extent he feels rejected by me because I am trying to put an end to this.

 

But you guys are spot on that he is happy with his current life. He wants to have it the way it is and me along with it. Too bad that this does not seem possible because I do want(ed) him in my life as well. I realize he is not going to change - he is one of those loners who does not seem to be able to let people close because they might threaten his freedom. I am really sad, though, I just wish I didn't have to do that

 

By the way, I really liked the website, money.

[Moneypenny]

I think your friend is seeking happiness in all the wrong places - but, fortunately for you, you've recognised that. And, well done you - by communicating what you did, you are helping him in a positive way by setting up a clear boundary as to what you, as a friend, deems unacceptable, and, because you have been so frank as to why. He will respect you for that, maybe not right now, but later on....hopefully.

 

When people use the word 'dear', whether it be a 'dear friendship', or a 'dear relationship', I always think that it expresses that someone holds a true value, deep down, for another person, or to something. He may not realise it consciously, but it IS there. I think there's alot to be said for our choice of words, if only we were perceptive enough to see them. He sounds like a lovely guy, but also a bit of a lost soul.

 

Keep your distance for a while, and see what happens - you have nothing to lose.

[tujna]

Thank you so much for the kind words! I had some doubt whether I did the right thing - because the fact is that he has not promised me anything. And it has been my fault that I allowed him to be so close to me while knowing full well that he was not able to offer much; and then being unhappy because he is in fact unable or unwilling to give it. Not only that, any time I tried to put some distance with my behavior, he would completely disregard it and be all over me. Then, again every time he disregarded me because of someone else, he would be running to me the next day. He never wants to let me go completely, but does not want to be with me either. OMG, what a situation.

 

But it is just somehow I feel in a relationship even though we are not. It is true that his words have not promised me much but just this closeness between us has gone way too far in any respect. Somehow, it is not relationship because there is no commitment, but somehow it is not casual because there is too much closeness and emotions.

 

I guess I will see how things go now and how he will act.