Please Give Helpful Advice- 5 months desperate

[EmergentTitle]

We dated for one year, and it was full of up’s and down’s. We still work at the same job, and it’s so difficult because everyone knew we broke up and it’s dramatic.

 

He broke up with me in July, and at first told me it was a break, but after I kept bothering him day after day, asking when we would get back together, and ultimately involving work people, in September he flat out told me I had no chance of ever getting back together with him. I was devastated, and refused to accept that.

 

We see each other at work, and ever since we would hangout at least once every 2 or 3 weeks. But more recently he doesn’t want to hangout with me, and anytime I ask he says no. I still ask at least once a week, because I know he is stubborn enough not to ask me to hangout even if he really wanted to. So then I saw a co-worker be flirty to him, and I told him that one of my ex’s had texted me. He was clearly annoyed, and now he is telling me he doesn’t want to hangout at all with me ever again because he still feels possessive and he wants to get over that if there is any chance of us having a friendship.

 

It just all hurts so bad because all this time he’s been telling me he wants me to prove I can first make a friendship work before/or if anything else were to ever happen in the future. But now, because he still feels all possessive, he wants to fully, ENTIRELY be over me. And it’s like...why? we both care about each other. Why can’t he just give me another chance?

 

He tells me that he needs to move out, get another job, and focus on getting ahead in his career, and having the freedom. I was a super clingy girlfriend, and now that i’m different it doesn’t matter, all I can do is prove myself in time that i’m worth giving another chance to. He told me our entire relationship he gave me so many chances and I never changed, so that ship has sailed.

 

I asked if he didnt want to hang anymore because he was sick of me bringing up relationship stuff, or if he wanted me to be over him? and he said he wanted me to be over him. But he then went on to say that the emotions are still raw for him, and he doesn’t want to feel possessive over me anymore, he has to get over it, and we are in two separate places right now so we shouldn’t be hanging on to any ideas.

 

I asked why he couldn’t stay friends with me, even though he still had some feelings. He told me that there will always be a part of him that has feelings for me, but that doesn’t mean it needs to be acted on or brought out. He said right now that doesn’t seem like the rational thing to do.

 

SO there it is- does he not love me? is he over me? do I have absolutely no chance, and if i do possibly have a chance- what the hell should i do from this point forward?

 

Please give constructive advice, not just “get over it” comments. It’s been 5 months and I feel like this is the crucial point.

 

I see him every day at work please help.

[italiannmf24]

You're right, in the sense that, 5 months of going back and forth with this guy is just too much and serious, concrete work must be done in order for you to clearly see anything that's happening in front of you.

 

So, what can you do about your dilemma and how can you attack your problems head on?

 

1.) No Contact - You'll hear it now and you'll hear it a million times more; stop any and all contact with this man...ASAP. I know, I know. You two work together and it's "impossible" to stay away from him. Well, no. No it's not. You can easily initiate No Contact with him while maintaining and a good "hands on" job at work. If he's needed in something specific and you are forced to talk to him, keep it short, to the point, and work related. Don't go into any detail about personal life, the old relationship, and don't you dare mention anything about your possible "friendship". For now anyway...

 

2.) Start Self-Improvement - You have a life, don't you? I mean, outside of his of course. That means, you can actually start working on yourself now. The best revenge for an ex is success and great accomplishment. Start doing things for you now. Get some new clothes, get your teeth whitened, start working out, join a group or club outside of work, go out with friends, clean up your place, treat yourself, etc. Anything to get your mind off of your ex and what he may or may not be up too. I know this sounds extremely hard, but if you can successfully start doing things for yourself again, you'll be slowly working your way up to that day where you can say, "Wow, what did I ever see in this guy now that I've accomplished X, Y and Z." Also, this improvement is not for him in any way, shape or form. Understand your mistakes, realize your faults and take YOUR side of the blame for everything that's happened, that's it. It's called enlightenment and it's an overpowering feeling of happiness once you fully grasp it's concept. Any and all credit for these accomplishments, whether they be small or large, are credited to you. Have you ever seen "500 Days of Summer"? If not, go rent it and check it out. It definitely describes the life of a typical "aftershock" of a relationship that sparks a newly found motivation inside of someone.

 

3.) Accept the Break-Up and Let Go Easier said than done, I know. Think about it, though, have you even tried accepting the fact that he no longer wants to be with you? Have you even made it an option at this point? You need to start realizing that, the longer you wait and hound over this guy, the longer you'll be putting off YOUR life, not his. Believe me, you're gonna regret using up these months mourning someone that is obviously not mourning you back. Take each day as it comes and follow these three steps in order to see any improvement. If you keep false hope by your side this entire time, your work will be worth nothing and you'll be back at square one once you finally realize that he's serious in his actions of breaking-up with you.

 

You can do this. I know you can because it's been done by others in worse situations. Hell, I've even seen a guy come out of a funk that was surrounding his ex wife of 11 years. Now? He's learned his lesson and has become self-happy due to all the success he's been following up on since the split that apparently took him down a couple knotches. If you're confused on the "No Contact" process, you can read my guide to it on my profile under all my started threads.

 

Good luck and I'll see you on the other side!

[EmergentTitle]

OK so thats good general advice. I'm also asking what everyone thinks of what he is telling me?

[Klokwurk]

He is telling you get the heck away.

 

"I was a super clingy girlfriend and now that I'm different..." from the overall tone of your post, it really, really seems like you are not that different. You are right in the title, you are desperate... And this, at least to this man, is NOT attractive.

 

Follow the first responder's advice, and eventually he might start noticing a real change in you and it might rekindle that old spark. No guarantees though, be ready for the worst... The worst.