when do you actually get over your ex?i just can't seem to get it out of my mind

[lor90236]

i've had a few exes in my past, but the most recent one I've had was the guy i was actually in love with. we broke up over a year ago because he felt he need to "explore" and figure out his life for a while before he wanted to be committed. to this day, i still can't get him out of my mind, little things remind me of him, and though I'm healing day to day i still can't let him go for some reason. I'm not sure what to do at this point. I've met other guys, but I'm not interested in them, and its not the same, and now I'm staying single to let myself heal but that still isn't helping either. is it just time? i just have so many little reminders..and i keep going back and forth with "he wasn't even good to you...to...he is such a nice guy". seriously, everyday I'm like, ok, make up your mind already and get over him. is anyone having this problem? and if so, what has helped you?

[scared and alone]

well, i cant speak for anyone else but myself. but what helped me get over exes is thinking about what they did to me, how much they hurt me without even seeming to care and I also (this is a big one) think about the differences that I just couldn't deal with even if we stayed together. I had this ex that I was so in love with, and he broke my heart and I thought i would never get over him, but a while after we broke up, i found out he was a homophobe and that definitely made me realize that I could never be with someone like that, no matter how much I loved them. I don't know, maybe try to find things that would be a DEAL BREAKER? Just some advice. Good luck And also, as cliche as this sounds, they are an ex for a reason. Even if you can't figure it out now, try to and realize that you can and WILL do better than this person, even if it doesn't seem like it now.

[Lithp]

I found No Contact really worked. A few years ago I was involved with someone that I was certain I would spend the rest of my life with - I was so attached to this man, and though I couldn't even say I was in love with him, everything fit so perfectly there was no question in my mind that we would be together forever. Well, it didn't work out for various reasons, and we both decided that in order for us to heal, we needed to completely remove each other from our lives.

 

The other day I got a random e-mail from him out of the blue asking if we could start talking again. There were some very strong feelings involved in our relationship which was why we totally cut off contact, but in reading his e-mail I realised that I felt nothing. I feel fondness for his place in my life, and I am excited to start talking with him again as he was a very good friend to me, but I'm a different person now and I have no 'feelings' there left over. I'm in a new relationship, I'm happy, and I'm in a place where I know we can go back to that friendship we once had.

 

I would say time has something to do with it, but I just wanted to reassure you that it does happen, and you're better for it in the end. You have to know there was a reason that it didn't work out and you need to fully accept it. People come into your life that you form deep connections with, but it's selfish to think that they will be around forever.

 

I have a great support system, I kept myself busy, and I did a bit of 'soul-searching'... getting over that relationship made me learn a lot about myself. Not something I can be mad at in the least. I hope you find your peace soon!

[Moontiger]

The book, "Its Called A Break Up Because its Broken" was very helpful in me getting over my ex. I took two years for me to get back in the dating game. Don't worry and just take your time to process everything.

[tamachan09]

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together. ~Author Unknown

 

I hear you... But like others said here, there is a reason why they are the ex.

[lor90236]

thanks guys--great thoughts

[Notagoodninja]

Ummm depends on the relationships. Guys I've dated for like one week to a month I don't even think about, ever. They never cross my mind

Guys I've been into a lot 2 or 3 of them...........it took me two years for each guy but you never forget them you just don't love them anymore. I would never date them or want to be with them. I have no feelings for them at all. But it's not like you don't think every 6 months or so "oh i wonder how so and so is doing, i wonder how their kid is" or "i wonder if they've found a girl to make them happy"

If something reminds you of them basically...

The pain is what sucks, the pain attached to the memories. So right now I've just got pain with the one guy still but in 2 years (*great) that too shall pass

[catfeeder]

Do you have anything more inspiring to focus your attention? If not, finding your own true passion on this planet is a goal that's waiting for you.

 

Head high, and walk forward.

[lor90236]

Sure, I have lots of passions and I am doing what every normal person is focusing on--school, work, family, friends..but i just don't know. In the past, I would know instantly that I was over someone, and it was easy to not talk to them for years even. But for some reason I just cannot get over this guy, maybe because I play with the idea of dating in the future, which I know i should't do, but i do anyways. I guess it just time really...hopefully one day soon he won't pop up in my mind..

[learning2relax]

Maybe you are focusing on getting over him too much and therefore causing you only to think of him more. If I told you....."Don't think of the word BROWN." What would you do? You would only think of that word. It is about releasing and refocusing. Maybe spend a little time understanding why you are having a hard time letting go as it relates to your fears (conscious or sub-conscious) and then work on letting it go. Ask yourself if you can let the thought go? If that is too tall an order, ask yourself if you can let the thought of him go or getting over him go for the rest of the day? Start somewhere and explore what makes you happy and what motivates you. Seek the things that support that and work on releasing at the same time. Eventually and with time, you get there. But focusing on "why" you can't only reinforces what you are hanging on to.

[lor90236]

i think i have a hard time letting it go because i am a very different person now. when we were dating i was pushing aside issues that i needed to work on and was only thinking about him. we both had issues, but i think mine made him back off a bit. now that i have fixed those issues, I'm completely myself again, someone who i think he never really got to meet. and all i want to do is show him how much i've changed, and i don't think ill forgive myself

[lor90236]

for that. does that sound crazy? ha

[learning2relax]

I suggest you carefully re-read what you wrote........Here you site the reasons that you believe caused him to break up with you.

 

.....and was only thinking about him. we both had issues, but i think mine made him back off a bit.

 

Here you state you are "a very different person now" because:

 

now that i have fixed those issues, I'm completely myself again, ....

 

Yet, you are focused and obsessing about him and showing him - thus still making him the main focus of your life and the changes you claim to have made.....

 

now that i have fixed those issues, I'm completely myself again, someone who i think he never really got to meet. and all i want to do is show him how much i've changed, and i don't think ill forgive myself

 

How is this different from how you were?

 

Not trying to be mean.....just trying to allow you to see that you have motives that are keeping you focused and won't allow you to let go. You can't get over him and can't get him out of your mind because you are wanting the opportunity to show him how you have "changed." If you changed for you, and not him, his noticing or your wanting to show him would be irrelevant. And if it was irrelevant to you to show him these changes, you would no longer be thinking of him. And if you were not thinking of him, you might in fact get to acceptance and to a place where you were truly "over him" which is question posed with your initiating this thread.

 

Are you being honest with yourself? Are these changes you wanted to make for you or that you wanted to make for him? If they aren't for you, they are less likely to be permanent changes. You will get frustrated that he won't see them or give you an opportunity to see them and may very well ditch them. Because they were made for him and not for you. Only make the changes in your life that you want to make or that you are comfortable making. Doing them to please someone else or to cause them to change - not the best use of your time. Do what makes you happy.

[lor90236]

i hear where you are coming from. i will say that these "changes" that i've made were issues that i have been ignoring for years. i finally put my foot down last year and started taking care of myself and because of that i feel like a totally new person, someone who i am comfortable with. my relationships with family and friends are great, i have new passions in life, and for once i am becoming more and more comfortable with being alone. i'm doing this for myself, but i'll be honest, i wish i could have shown him my natural self. also, i'm not going to "ditch" these changes. and when i say changes, i don't necessarily mean I've changed personalities, i have just become more comfortable with who i am, less anxious and worrisome, and just all around better! and i am so happy with who i am now. now that i have read over this, i guess i shouldn't hope for anything really.

[learning2relax]

If that is the case, than what he sees or doesn't see isn't relevant. If you continue to experience happiness and peace from the changes you made for you in your life, you will attract the right people with the right energy to you. You might even realize that you have a better relationship with someone in the future who appreciates you for who you are and is not focused on who you aren't.

 

Just let it go and focus more on what makes you happy. Build on that. Enjoy it. That is a huge step for anyone to take! Kudos! Keep practicing the changes to reinforce their permanence and help you live a more positive and fulfilling life.

[lor90236]

thank you! i will be focusing on this. i think its just time to really let go.