One month todaysince the breakup...got home from Mexico

[RayF]

I just got home from a trip to Mexico. I had a good time and I have to say i think it helped me feel better allot, but I am not in any less amount of pain.

 

I came back hoping, but not expecting tohear from her. A message on the phone, an email or letter... but nothing. Isent her a letter before i went, basically to tell her i was sorry for a few things and respect her need for independance but don't agree with her decision, despite the fact there is nothing i can do about it.

 

Being in Mexico was good, i was there with my best friend but it just made me think back to the trip i took with my ex to Italy last summer and how nothing could compare to that. especially since we were with his sister and her boyfriend and it made me miss her allot more.

 

I went out to the clubs,danced and flirted with a few girls, made out with one but all this did was make me realize even more what an amazing find she was. To be that attractive and such an amazing person was not anything i came accross with the girls i socialized with in mexico. Did it make me realize the grass was greener on the other side? Hell no. Did the being single, club and meeting new girls experience make me feel excited? Hell not.Did it make me realize there are other people in the world? No, because she still is my whole world and without her, though i know i'm a whole person and can phisically go on without her, will never stop wanting her back. She was perfect to me in every way. And i never doubted that a day into the relationship and made sure to ket her know that allot.

 

Now i'm home... alone again. I think i found a little bit of self assurance from my trip but it dosn't make me long for her any less.

 

I want her back...would never dream of breaking N/C mostly because idon't want her to think i'm mulling over her but i can tell you this much... nothing, not more time, not more space or more new people will ever change the way i felt about her and the relationship.

 

I'm truly screwed...

[Vert]

Ray,

You are not screwed, my friend. It has only been a month as you say, and since she knew you were in Mexico she probably didn't feel the need to contact you. Now that you're home and available to her, that attitude might change. Just be cool and know that you have to move on. The fact that you flirted with girls and even had make-out sessions leads me to believe that you should be able to get over her quickly. Maybe that is true and maybe it isn't (if you were drunk or just rebounding). However, just know that you have to move-on, continue NC, and work your way to healing.

[HCI]

Do you know Ray? Ask yourself IF you want her back. If the answer is yes, ask yourself this:

 

WILL SHE BE ATTRACTED by a wreck who broadcasts(maybe without conscius awareness) that he basically can´t live without her and that you NEED her to feel good? IS that attractive?

 

If the answer to the first question is yes and no to the other question you CANNOT just go around and feel bad. REALISE that you WANT your ex, not NEED her. Huge difference. "Neediness" is repulsive.

 

Go to the gym and workout. Read interesting books. Build yourself up! Only when you are 100% back and strong and no longer in "need" of your ex you can pursue her. If you get yourself together and realise that "getting on with life" is the only solution, you might be able to contact her i one month or two. Just don´t do it before you are 100% back.

 

One tip during this time would be to drastically take away ways of her contacting you. The reason for this is that you seem to be quite a bit from 100% healed and I believe that maybe one single phonecall(hi, how are you, yada yada) could set you back bigtime. Plus, if she cannot contact you, YOU won´t have to go around and think "why doesn´t she call".

 

Time to heal man! If you wan´t more specific tips on how to put up a workout regime that will make you better, pm me!

[chai714]

would never dream of breaking N/C mostly because idon't want her to think i'm mulling over her but i can tell you this much... nothing, not more time, not more space or more new people will ever change the way i felt about her and the relationship.

 

RayF - I know you're in pain, and pretty emotional right now. I was there not too long ago. Anyhow, when you're emotionally strong(er) you can break NC. Giving in and calling her doesn't make you any less of a person, nor is it the law of the land. In fact, someone has to break NC for things to happen. They typically don't happen by themselves. Figure out what you want first, whether or not it is the girl, and decide what to do from there. If you do want her back, there will have to be communication. If not, then you'll go on living your life and always appreciate the good relationship you had.

[RayF]

Maybe i'm still in the stage where ifeel i need her to feel good right now,but ihonestly do realize i CAN live without her. Ijust really don't want to.

 

I'm not sure why neediness is so repuslive, I mean, in this case i can see why but in a relationship i personally like to feel like i am needed. One of the reason why she broke it off with me was she felt like i would be needy without her ifwe broke up and it really pissed me off.

 

So neediness to a point where i can't live without her is maybe unnatractive but i think people are too selfish and shallow if they can't appriciate being needed by someone.

 

Overall though ia mtrying to heal, and iknow i could bewith someone else eventually the problem though is thatI still am in love with her and we went through an uneliveable amount of stuff together

 

maybe i should be past this point, I know i should be able to just say well it was what it was, time to move on but i still can't help wondering how and why she did this.

 

I mean one night everything was compleatly normal andthe next she pulled a 180. She's not that strong a person so i'm wondering how she can posibly handle me never being a part of her life agian (i made it clear to her i needed to cut off all contact with her forever in order to goon with my own life).

 

 

one thing idon't understand isthis... How can i be compleatly healed if i have the intention to contact her with the intention of getting back together?To me, that dosn't seem like a person who is compleatly over someone, just someone who isn't so shocked from the breakup anymore.

 

If ifelt like idon't want her anymore there would be no way i would contact her. I know it's soon but all i have to say is that, yes, i want her and i treally don't see thatchanging.Ifear that it maynever change and thathas me worried.

[HCI]

Ofcourse it feels good to feel like your partner needs you to a certain extent. However, imagine having a girlfriend that NEEDED you to have a normal happy life. Wouldn´t you feel in a way that it is a problem? Imagine having a girlfriend that has a great life and is happy most of the time AND want´s to spend her time with you because she really enjoys it and feel stimulated by you. Make a point?

Add to the equation: you are not in a relationship with this girl because she obviously doesn´t feel the same as you. Don´t be needy!

 

I can explain to you the part where you didn´t understand how you could be 100% healed and still wanting her. Well, imagine a situation where you are out at a club or something. You see this nice looking girl that you saw 2 weeks ago but didn´t approach then. You go up to her and maybe dance and chat for a while and she makes it clear to you that she is not interested in having anything to do with you. Do you go home and cry? No? Why? Because you felt that you wanted that girl but you did not feel like you needed her. Same here, although it may take a month or so of putting real effort into healing.

 

I´m worried as well about the feeling of always wanting a girl that dumped me. But, one month ago(one month after being dumped) I was devastated and certain that it was the case. Now, one month later it doesn´t feel that strong at all. Time does help. However, my greatest steps towards healing was when I realised that I can´t change the past. If I concentrate on healing and building myself to be a stronger person, the futire will hold two options:

1. I try to get the girl back and either succeed or fail. If I succeed that would be great and made possible only by me working with myself. If I don´t, well, I don´t. The thing that is certain is that I will feel alot better than if I had been sitting at home crying and doing nothing to improve.

2. I find someone else or realise that I don´t want her.

[tuffguy247]

Hey Ray and fellow peeps,

 

I just came accross this thread and Ray Im not goin to lie to ya..Im goin through the same exact thing. Just reading ur posts scare me cause it almost like you are goin through the same feelings that I have.

 

HCI, Vert, Chai714, your advise I feel is very helpful even for me. Im seriously stuck in the same perdictment as Ray is. I dont know if you guys read my thread...Help Wanted: Whats meant to be will be?....but If you guys could kindly read it and give me some advise I def would appreicate it.

 

Ray, its been a month for me too, and the pain hasnt gotten any easier either. It sucks. Like your ex, my ex is my whole world, and I know I can move on but its like I really found what I wanted in someone. It wasnt like we didnt have a good relationship (well if you read my story you will see) the working world killed my dream relationship. Everyone just tells me time will heal me, but its like hard to let go of something that u believed in soo much. SO i know how u feel. Im sorry I cant give any words of encouragement that you havent already gotten. Cause Im still lookin for some myself. We have to hang in there and just give it time. Let me know if theres anything I can do for ya.

 

Thanks everyone for listening. I hope to hear from ya guys. Have a good one

 

 

Tuffguy

[RayF]

thanks for the encouragement tuffguy, feel free to PMme also if you need to!

 

I will read your thread and offer any help i can,

 

I too feel that outside pressures are what lead to the downfall of my perfect relationship. Stress and fear about the future, school and work and a low self worth due to my parents divorce made me exceptionally critical of myself. Though it fed my drive for ambition This was probably hard for here to handle and what made it worse was that i woud be way too critical in general.When we would fight(which became more frequent) or when she had a problem thogugh i had good intentions i would always be overly critical and offer solutions on how to fix things constantly, i should have just listened more. This made her feel like i wasn't happy with her the way she was or like she was always the one screwing up which inever in a million years thought and it kills me that she thought that waybut i can see how she did.

 

I know it'snot allmy fault, she also had major insecurities and an anxiety dissorder that made things increadibly hard for her tocope with, this and the fact that she just did not really know how to communicate effectivly and would constantly turn inward instead of to me, even though she tried really hard to change that too.

 

It sucks because i was really coming around with a better additude and a greeater understaadning of her needs but by that timeit was too late. she just gave uphope thatthings would ever change, said she felt trapped and unsure of who she was (something that i still don't understand what the hell that means).

 

In any case i've been trying to deal with my issues (for myeslf and not for her). It took losing the best thing i ever had for me to realize what was really wrong,so i'm reading books and seeing a therapist to hlpe me be more aware of why i have these problems and how to change them.

 

I have to admit the breakup taught me allot more of what was wrong than i realizedwhile in the relationship, i'm glad i know these things now but ihave the utmost belife that if we gave it one more chance things really would be different. maybe not at the present moment but in a few months maybe.

 

Though i just fear that even though i know she loves me, misses me and would love to talk she just feels that she needs too much that dosn;'t involve me and if we were back together she would become trapped all over agian. andthe same problems would never make us work out. I don't like that additude but it is her additude how can i change that? I can't is the answer so yeah i try and move on but i just have so many regrets.

 

I know i just have to move on, but i also know that this was real genuine true love that was ruined by a lack of self love due to inexperience on both our parts, but what we has was very real.It was a good honest, loving and giving relationship on both our parts. There are probanbly abunchof good womenout there but the fact of the matter is that a womanlike her is literally one in a thousand. I don;t want to settle for someone if the love isnt really that strong like it was with us.

 

Lots of people get annoyed at the shoula coulda woulda game but i know that if i had met her when we were both more mature and stable it probably would have lasted a lifetime.