finding a nice girl

[diverp]

I have dated quite a bit in my life so far and I am 33. I have come to the conclusion that I really prefer dating nice, shy and genuine kind of women. The problem is that I tend to attract more open and brash kind of women. I was recently in a relationship with a nice yet shy kind of girl for 7 months. The problem was that it was sort of a long distance relationship and wore on the both of us. I really had/have deep feelings for this woman and I think that if we were in the same city, we would have a good chance of being together. I realize that she was what I really want to find in someone. Nice, genuine, a little shy and down to earth. From what I have seen, these women don't tend to date or socialize in the normal dating pools. I am wanting some advice on how/where I should try to find just such a girl. Thanks in advance.

[Trigve]

you just have to meet them at normal non-dating settings like work or classroom or whatever. some of the shy ones you could meet through the internet but personally I don't believe in that, I need the 2-second eye contact when I first meet a girl that will just plain tell me if she's for me or not.

 

but yea I know all about not socializing in the normal dating pools from the inside. I am like that myself, and I can tell you there is no easy way around it. If they're not actively looking (like I'm not usually), you pretty much have to rely on pure chance that you would end up meeting them through your activities. I mean they are everywhere, but they're nowhere. If you ask me how a girl can actively seek me out, I honestly couldn't tell you, except if she knew what involvements I have and involve herself at the same place. but that would be stalking...

[diverp]

I think that is the hardest thing for me (and a lot of people). I can be a little shy myself about just going up to someone and making contact of some kind. I mean, in a work setting I have no problem with that. But get me out in, say, a coffee shop or something with a group of 2 or 3 girls together and I just would be intimidated enough to not do anything. I tend to meet girls who are by themselves or get approached by women who are more open and able to strike up that kind of conversation with me. Unfortunately, I have found out that I really am not attracted in the long term to women who are that open and brash (at least how a lot of them end up being). I am talking very stereotypically about women like that. Its silly too, because I seem to be getting what I am creating a situation for. I am a little shy and have difficulty striking up conversation with women who are a little shy as well. So, I tend not to. Of course, that just leaves the more open woman to come up to me. It is a pattern I have essentially created. I need to change or add to my circle of places to go and socialize. Go to more common places that seem to have more down to earth people. This is definitely something I wish I knew about myself earlier in life, but I guess you live and you learn.

[dontknowwhattodo]

I am 31 and in the same boat. When I see a couple I am always wondering what they have done that I haven't. People say it is easy to meet someone in grad school and I don't agree. Most of my classmate are women and they are engaged or married. Only me who is single. I date once in a while but none has led to a long term relationship. It is so frustrating to be single at this age. I am getting to the point to convince myself that I was born to be alone. What do we do?

[diverp]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I have been in that same boat for a while. One thing I can tell you is that I still think it is a good idea to date as much as you can for a while in order to find out what you want in a relationship. To be honest, before about 4 years ago, I really never dated that much. I was either in college or travelling for work. I started to date and I have really found out a lot about myself. I almost got married a couple of years ago and that would have been the worst mistake in my life. I really thought the person I was with was a good match for me but I really had no good comparisons. Now, I have dated a fair amount in the last couple of years and I have found what it is I really want in someone. It means I am a little more picky, and I have to change where I try to meet a woman like this, but when you figure you are going to be with someone for a long time (hopefully) it makes sense to have some expectations and stick to them. I met a fantastic woman 8 months ago, but she lives about 2 hours away and we both have established careers where we are. SHe is nice and honest and down to earth. I like that and that is what I am looking for now. It is good to date a variety of people (try the internet or something like that). But don't get too caught up in it (unless you do in fact find someone who honestly match what you want in a mate). I am sort of taking this as a new learning experience now. I am doing my research and finding out where and how I can meet this kind of woman I am looking for. I am sure if I am patient and really think about it I can figure out where to find her. But, in the case of the kind of woman I am trying to find, I will most likely have to try to find her, not expect her to find me. That's the tough part.

[Trigve]

I almost got married a couple of years ago and that would have been the worst mistake in my life. I really thought the person I was with was a good match for me but I really had no good comparisons.

 

That's one of the things that scares me. For some reason I just can't find the motivation to date girls who I don't think I'd consider marrying, and I really just don't find many of those around, so I just end up not dating anybody at all. but what you said was always the thing that makes me question if I need to change this attitude. maybe I need to be more casual about this and date around just for the hell of it, but it's hard for me to find the motivation to do this cuz it just feels like a waste of time and effort...

[diverp]

I know what you mean. On the other hand, you will always learn something by dating other people, even if it is just a date or two to see if there is something out there that other girls can offer you that you really didn't think about before. When I was younger, I dated and thought that I wanted to date these gorgeous women. I think most men get into that kind of mind frame because that is pounded into us at an early age. However, in my case, I really have more of an interrest in being with a more quiet and genuine girl....the type that really doesn't go out looking for dates. You will never really waste your time in meeting people. I learn something new everytime I do so and I end up learning more things about myself I didn't know before. If nothing else, it will give you some self confidence that you can go out and date. This really gives you a better idea of what you really do want in a mate and gives you the confidence to steer away from women who you know deep down just will not be a match for you. If you don't date that much, at least in my case, you really don't know who would make a good match to your personality.

 

The woman I was previously dating, I would have loved to have a continuing relationship with. She had many qualities that I found out I really want in a mate. I am actually still very good friends with her and we still talk quite often. There is something to be said for meeting new people. You will meet some that are just not what you are looking for, but then again, I feel like I have made a lifelong friend with my ex girlfriend. That wouldn't have happened if we never really met. Heck, when we first met, we were very quiet with each other. It was a very awkward day that we spent together. However, after a few dates, we really ended up finding out that we have a lot more in common than we realized. I wouldn't give up that friend for anything. Heck, I would still love to be dating her if I didn't already know that it wasn't in our best interrest right now. She has a career and house a couple hours away and I have the same here. Who knows, maybe someday in the future when careers aren't our main focus we may try to make something.

 

But in your case, I still think that forming a good mental picture of who you want in a mate is good, and go out and date a little. Some of these women may surprise you and be someone you never imagined you would find.

[Trigve]

well I do "hang out" with girls, I don't consider them dates. usually after I get to know someone a bit I can tell she's not for me before even getting romantically involved. and that's one of the reasons why it's hard for me to date around casually, it just doesn't seem moral to ask someone out while having no intention to commit.

 

I don't know what's wrong with me. It's not like I have really high standards or anything, I'm just picky in my own way. I was never into the gorgous women, thinking back about the few girls I've found attractive, if I just saw a picture of them I probably woulnd't have paid too much attention, but there was just an air about them in person that gets to me when I met them. doesn't help much as far as analyzation goes, but other than that I can't think of much else that I look for...

[diverp]

Hey, there is nothing wrong with being picky at all. As long as you are exposed to some women and you don't have a problem with asking one out when the chance arises, I see nothing wrong with being picky. After all, it is your future and happiness. Trust me, I have been in a couple of bad relationships with women, who in hindsight, were absolutely wrong for me. But at the time, I thought they were what I thought I wanted. In your case, I see nothing wrong with waiting for the right girl to show herself. You will find someone like that if you are giving yourself a chance to find someone like that (being in places, meeting enough people, etc.).

 

With my last girlfriend, we started off very timid with each other. I honestly thought she was completely uninterrested in me. I simply asked her out again and she jumped at the chance. She continued to surprise me. On first impression, she was a very nice girl, but after I got to know her more, she got even better. She is definitely an example of someone who never goes out and looks for dates. She just had this down to earth attitude that I have yet to find in someone because i had been dating women who were looking. Big difference.

 

I supppose we have gotten to the same place in different routes. It took me a lot of dating to see what it is I want and I won't just date any more for the heck of it. I will only date when I find someone I think is more like what I really want.

[Trigve]

wow it seems like we are quite a bit alike. the girl I was talking about in my other thread (the one titled: this is how it went) is kind of like your ex gf too, and also in similar situation. sometimes she seemed so nervous around me it made me think I was hurting her just by talking to her and I felt bad about it. after we got to know each other a bit more she was more at ease but still kind of timid and I just didn't know what was going on. she seems pretty confident, but just timid, I don't know what to make of it. I'm thinking maybe she was just uninterested.

 

but anyway, I don't think I'm quite at where you are at. A lot of thoughts have been stirred up by reading about your experience and there's a lot more I need to learn

 

I guess one thing I'm not quite doing well is meeting enough people, but hopefully that'll change when I go back to school in the fall. Still, I'm pretty horrible at wanting to get out more, I could meet a lot of people but not actually meeting any at all (ie. know their names, see them twice a week in class, etc, but never really hang out with them otherwise). But at the same time I think I'm ok at interacting with girls when I do go out. I actually find them easier to socalize with than guys because there's just an intrinsic attraction between any man and woman that you could use with them... don't have that edge with guys.

 

so i don't know, this can be pretty discombabulating at times. it seems like I have everything I need to be successful at this, yet I've ended up probably worse off than 98% of the population. all I can tell myself is I've got attitude problems, and maybe it's bad enough that I have to change my personal philosophy one day when I realize it.

[diverp]

I think a very important thing to keep in mind is this. Every woman is very different from the next. We all tend to place our value system onto other people. We make some assumptions to fill in what we don't know and those assumptions are ususally the things we "want" the other person to follow.

 

I dated a very gorgeous woman one time who was one of the most lonely people I have ever met. She was not very healthy mentally. I have dated some "average" women before who have fallen into the entire range of personalities. My past girlfriend was very shy when I first met her. To be honest, I got a feeling when I first me her that she was "out of my league". She wasn't a model or anything, but she was so genuine that I almost felt like I didn't deserve to be with her. Not sure if that makes sense. Anyways, we do live a couple of hours apart. We started off making trips to each other's place every other weekend. It was fantastic. She doesn't get out very much. She is much more comfortable staying in and working on her garden or fixing up the house. However, she had been married and divorced about 7 years ago and was in a very clingy relationship (they were both inseparable). It devastated her to have the divorce. Anyways, when things got a little more serious between us she started to worry about everything. She would tell me that "I knew nothing about her". She said that she was a much meaner person than she shows. She said that everybody sees her as this nice and shy person, but she didn't feel that she was that way. She had a much different self image than what she was putting out. She was so worried about the distance that it started to wear on us both. She has to plan and have a plan for everything (which is good to a point). She was having problems with her workplace, problems with friends, problems with little things in life. It was not working for her because she was worrying too much. We agreed that the relationship was not helping either one of us at the moment. However, we have still remained good friends and talk quite often. Actually, we seem to be more open now than we were when we were dating.

 

I guess what my point is, is that people are not always as they seem and that relationships evolve. I personally would like to continue building this friendship with her and have a possible serious relationship in the future if things worked out for that.

 

Now, in your case, I think there is nothing wrong with being more comfortable around some women and feeling an "in" with them. That is great. Just remember that when you are with most women, the best thing to do is to develop a great friendship with them (at least that is what I think). I think way too many people jump into full blown relationships without really knowing who they are with. It is fantastic to know someone and get to be a part of their life over the course of years. Make many friends like this. I think it is the best way to find someone compatible.

 

Seems pretty straight forward, but then again it isn't. The main thing to remember is that when you find someone you like, if they don't happen to show the same like for you, it isn't personal. You just aren't the person they are looking for (and the opposite will happen too). Too many people take it as a personal shortcoming and its not.

 

Oh well, hope that is a little more to think about and helpful.

[Trigve]

that is very true, but also a very hard thing not to do. like you said, We make some assumptions to fill in what we don't know, that's just what our brain has to do to form a complete picture. I realize I do that, but sometimes you just have to make assumptions to be able to make the calculations.

 

most people are just way more fuked up than they appear, especially the ones that seem perfect. When I meet someone who's practically an angel, I think to myself NOBODY can be that nice, I just don't have the necessary information to know how to break that image, that's all.

 

I totally understand about how she'd say she isn't as nice as people think she is, I totally understand how there are things she does or thoughts that she thinks are "inappropriate" and how they would make her feel.

 

I know the feeling, and I think she just wants you to see. When people look at me, they think I've got everything and I have it all figured out. I really don't, but I don't care, that's fine most of the time. But when a girl I care about is intimidated by this shallow image and can't get close to me it just kills me. and I just want to tell her, I want her to know so bad. I want her to see the real me so she knows ME, not my image. The image is for all the rest of the world, to keep them at bay, it's not for her. She's different, I want to let her in and trust her with the key because I've been trying to keep everyone else clear of my safe space for too long and I'm tired of living alone. Do you see what I'm saying? and I think that's what your ex was longing for, a friend, in a world full of strangers.

 

the despair of reaching out to nothing can be so disappointing, it isn't easy.

[diverp]

Yeah. Everybody has some things inside that are not what they think the rest of the world should see. In the case of my last girlfriend, she grew up very quiet and shy and her "degree" of what she thinks is bad is very likely not anywhere what I would think of as bad. She has had a rough past 7 years with her divorce and a boyfriend who really was a jerk. She came into our relationship on the defensive. Of course, most men in her life have told her that she wasn't good enough or that she needs to give up everything in order to be with them (career, etc). That was the predicament I was in. I didn't want to convince her to move here as that would just follow that pattern of hers again. Of course, we only knew each other for 7 months and that was way too early to talk about me upping and quiting my job and selling my house to move to her. That actaully would most likely push her away and I felt a hint of that when she sort of pushed and I hinted that way. It was just a catch 22.

 

 

When you say how other people put on a front or a facade for us when we first meet them, well, they are always going to do that. Problem is when they try to continue that too long and it is tough for them to do so. WHen I meet a woman, I usually look to see if she is comfortable or if she seems to be putting on the facade. Usually, the ones who are comfortable and act around you like you think they act around everyone else, well, they are the ones to look twice at. The ones who seem too happy, eager, pushy or whatever usually are trying to hide what they percieve as their flaws. They may not really be flaws at all, but they see them that way and that can be a problem in the long run of low self esteem. That is tough on a relationship to deal with.

 

 

I know what you mean about the image thing. I have had the same image for most of my adult and teenage life. Things come easy for me most the time. I got good grades. I got a couple of bachelor's degrees, I played a lot of sports in college and high school, I scuba dive and do underwater photography off the coast, I played semi-pro golf for a couple of years, I have run marathons, I have done a lot of things. So, in front of friends and the like I keep up this "macho" image. However, that is not really me. I used to be a fairly shy person myself and to a point, I still am. The kind of women I want to be with are either intimidated with or turned off by the kind of persona I put out when I am with other guys. For the last 5 years or so, I have put out an image that is more reflective of who I really am. I feel more at ease with that. My friends still like me as they are getting older too and see how stupid some of that facade is. You will only be happy if you are living the kind of life that aligns with your values deep down. You will feel bad when you start living outside those values. That is why you are better off worrying about your self first and worry about the image you put out to everyone else like your friends last. There is a lot of soul searching that goes into realizing exactly what it is that your values are. People may think that is a lot of crap, but there is a lot to it. I feel much happier when I am dating or meeting someone who is a little less pushy or shy and a hard worker (just because I can more or less relate to that).

 

As far as my past girlfriend goes, well, she was truly the first person who I honestly thought of before myself. I was genuinely concerned with her welfare above mine whereas before, I would date and it always felt like dog eat dog. To be honest, i still really enjoy being a friend to her. I think she has a hard time making friends because of her shyness and slightly underdeveloped social skills. I would imagine that it is still comforting to have someone there who genuinely cares about you and is interrested in how your life is going (its got to be a little different when there are no expectations that go along with dating either).

 

Well, if you have built up your image over time, but you are in college, it can be tough. However, believe me, college is the best place to meet someone nice. There are the girls who don't know themselves very well and are trying to be what they are not. Then there are the girls who want to be themselves and don't care what the world thinks of that. Those are the ones who are better to be with in the long run. The trick is to be in situations where they are as well and be able to strike up conversation and be genuine and a little charming. WOmen will see when you are being phoney. Be yourself, be amusing, be charming in your own way and be courteyous. Don't let anyone walk over you and get into situations in which you can make conversation (in a natural setting) with those kinds of girls. It takes a while, but when it happens it is well worth it.