Has anyone gone to a therapist with their mom? (and been successful)

[Applewhite]

I am starting to think a therapist may be the last resort to fixing my relationship with my mom (or having one at all for that matter).

 

I have restricted access to my life and communications with her due to her constant judging and manipulating, and my anger and unresolved issues from the past (We were all abused by my father, and she never protected me). As little as she knows about my life and who I am, she still finds ways to judge and try to manipulate me and she expects that we have a normal relationship despite this. She claims she doesn't even know what she is doing when I confront her about judging me. If I tell her to not judge me for example she will say that she wasn't judging me, that I must've forgotten my native language since I apparently misunderstood (which is still , judging and criticizing! Am I nuts here?).

 

I will even offer to pay for our therapy sessions is she will come. If she refuses however (with excuses such as time, or what if someone hears etc) which I suspect she might do, I think I am done. Should I tell her that if she refuses I am done? There is no way, under the current circumstances that I can have a relationship with her. As much as this makes her sad, of course it makes me sad too and angry at the same time.

[FathomFear]

I personally wouldn't bother, but I suspect this will come down to personal preference. Ultimately you're an adult now. If your parents are still not treating you well then you can simply surround yourselves by people who do. Blood only means so much, and the fact that you're willing to pay for therapy says to me that you're still focusing on them too much and making them the centerpiece of your thoughts.

[Applewhite]

I personally wouldn't bother, but I suspect this will come down to personal preference. Ultimately you're an adult now. If your parents are still not treating you well then you can simply surround yourselves by people who do. Blood only means so much, and the fact that you're willing to pay for therapy says to me that you're still focusing on them too much and making them the centerpiece of your thoughts.

 

Well I would actually like to have a relationship with my mother - if she was normal. The reason I thought of therapy because there may be a chance that she just doesn't realize what she is doing, and maybe a third person can make her realize and give up her expectations of what I could be so we could both enjoy each others company. Does that make sense?

[journeynow]

I have adult children, and while I believe I have a better relationship with them than I do with my own mother, they might feel differently. If one of them asked me to see a therapist together to improve our relationship I would welcome it. I might be judgmental without realizing it, or come accross as judgmental unintentionally. I think it is worth suggesting to your mother. She may not jump at the idea right away, but you could plant the seed, and she may come around to the idea, especially if you tell her it is too difficult for you to maintain a relationship otherwise. You'll know you've tried.

 

I withdrew from my family while in my 20's and 30's because if felt them too judgmental. We have since come around to a new understanding and have more interactions and a different kind of closeness. There are still some things I don't discuss with them or expect them to understand or accept, and they are still judgmental, but now I can ignore those differences. So, perhaps in your case, if therapy doesn't work, it may take time apart for you both before you can build a new kind of relationship.

[Applewhite]

I already live in a different country, and haven't visited at all in the last 2 years. My communication with my mom is limited merely to emails, and even this frustrates me. I visited only once yearly in the several years before that, and each time there were many problems. I no longer talk to, or wish to talk to my dad. Just wanted to give some background info, in case posters think it's relevant.

[livelarge]

If she went to therapy, she'd probably go with something like an expectation of this "if my daughter wasn't so sensitive, we could have a relationship." So her expectations would be that you would change and yours would be that she would change. What if the therapist thinks that you are part of the problem? Are you willing to change? If your whole goal of therapy is to make your mother "normal," then I'm not sure it's a worthwhile endeavor.

 

I have no doubt from your other threads that your mother is beyond difficult. But many different things could happen in therapy and one of them may NOT be that your mother has an epiphany and changes.

 

As a side note, my friend went to therapy with his father to discuss his childhood abuse in a safe environment. All his father did was deny it (there are hospital records). It seemed that his father went to prove to a third party that it never happened. I bring this up to say that you just don't know what's going to happen in therapy. Truth is not always the outcome and you have to be prepared for that.

[Applewhite]

Of course it may not turn out all roses. However I don't see how it could get worse at this point. Basically I am prepared to stop responding to my mother, even via email at this point (so if therapy doesnt work, I can at least say hey, I tried my best). I don't even want her to necessarily accept or apologize for anything. Just to stop being fake and stop imposing her expectations on me in a manipulative way - reason being otherwise she will have no access to me at all from now on. At this rate I will have to cut all contact with her.