Dodged A Bullet

[Wutdo]

First and foremost... I still love this girl(or at least the girl she used to be), and have lingering feelings. Relapse on a constant basis. Anyway, here goes a bit of the story, and I can honestly say I feel a bit better after what just happened in the last hour.

 

Backstory- Met her 4 years ago online. Started a LDR over a year ago while pursing an oversea's job. Came back to the US and focused on another degree(still am), she dumped me two months ago, August 31st. Loved the anniversary last night, really, nothing like a number attached to a day making you feel worthless.

Anyway, there's an age gap. She's young, I should have known better, and told her why we should wait, but she convinced me otherwise, and ended up doing everything I predicted... EVERYTHING. The breakup time, the habits after, etc.

 

Details -Said everything was a lie, she didn't want commitment, just casual. Gave me the classic lines. You're a great guy, just not for me. I love you, not in love with you. Thought I would feel the same after a while. I don't know why I don't appreciate you like I should. I've been thinking about this for a while and had doubts? (how the hell would I know if you're saying you love me everyday and want to move in together).

 

In person everything was good. Got along well, attraction, etc. At least on my part, it wasn't honeymoon phase. Loved her for her. Physical aspect actually grew on me, as I never found her to be my cup of tea. But hey, lover her for who she was. So she broke up with me on August 31st. I was blind-sided. Week later she practically starts living with some new guy that she had met online close by. September 17th I go on NC(personally decided. never heard of the term at that point). She contacts around the 29th. Emotional about the new guy hurting her. Says she'll call by the next morning. Doesn't. I'm on pins and needles, cause at this point i'm still having nightmares, crying and depressed daily. Finally I call after she doesn't call when she said she would call by.

 

She's with the new guy during the call. This is where she tells me she loves him more than she ever did me, etc and made me feel like crap. I decide to cut it off. I get intentionally drunk(first time i touched alcohol in about 3 years), cry, all that good stuff. Joined the forum, read a bunch of threads and.... Finally accepted the situation. Broke NC. We talked a few times. Eventually I sent an email saying I accepted everything, was hurt, but would respect her decision, but didn't want to be used as that guy she falls to when she's having issues with her boytoys. We were friends before everything, I figured we could be again(but was still running off emotions on that aspect).

Anyway, she calls me on October 8th. Says she laughed at my email, calls bull * * * * on what I said, told me I'm worthless to her even as a friend and just degrades me for no reason. Mind you she had told me post breakup that she wished I could be that friend I was before we dated, and that she still trusts me the most, etc. So I went NC again. Let me point out. While we had communication issues from time to time, I never did anything to hurt her, etc. In fact, she just ended up bored with me. I spent too much time talking to her on a daily basis. Smothered her with feelings and never said anything negative and tried to avoid petty things.

 

Since then, it's been 24 days? I relapsed here and there and would read the forums when thinking of her. Which was a lot. Got a new job, etc. Realized she's not worth my time and selfish. I play games online to numb my mind at times just to not think of anything, cause she creeps in so much. Her smile, etc.

 

Anyway, the reason for this post.

 

She added me on an account I have. Asked how I was doing, wanted to chat. Pretty much said she's f'd up over the last two months. Thinks she just wanted to latch on to someone(she always wanted the physical aspect of having someone constantly there- I couldn't permanently move till this coming up year-which was the plan. Anyway, says he's worthless, has issues, hurt her, and made her realize how naive she is. Says she doesn't trust anyone. But she still hangs with him for convenience and he does the same. All her friends are from the same online group as the guy now. Her coworkers are similar. She's doing drugs, smoking(which I hate-won't date anyone that does), failing her classes. Wants to quit school, but will have to pay out a lot of money if she does. So screwed regardless of what she does. Wants to go home. Realizes what I said was right on that aspect.(Home in the same town as uni. Just wasting money) Talking about how it's great to experiment with stuff, but she hates life, blah blah blah. COMPLETELY different person than the girl I fell in love with. I had tried to avoid this phase by telling her to go through with Uni stuff first, then we could possibly date, but she convinced me otherwise that she was different and I should give her a chance. Being the idiot I am, I made a bad choice in getting involved, and am now still picking up the pieces. During the period of no contact. I had decided to never contact her. FYI, I love thorshammer's posts. As I generally try to adopt his mentality on them. She's dead to me. I figured I'd break down today when she wanted to talk. But it just reconfirmed. She's not worth my time. She's just reaching out to me, the guy who was always appreciative, loved her, there for her no matter what, because she's fallen and has trash all around her.

 

Essentially trying to use me. I haven't decided if I'll just flat out ignore her henceforth. But I can say that her immaturity is showing itself, and I don't want any part of it. She's going down a self-destructive path that I never had a part in, as I had to focus on rent and other things during Uni, and was raised to take responsibility for my actions. I'd never take the current her back, and after she bailed and showed how selfish she was, I doubt she could do anything in the next 100 years to make my take her back, even if she's changed. She's weak, easily influenced, ridiculously naive and self-centered... a shadow of the amazing girl she convinced me she was. What I can say though is that I feel a sense of self-satisfaction. I'm not sure why. I don't believe in Karma. But man, there must be someone out there looking out for me. I dodged a nuke, as the current her would only bring me down. I'd have been there for her, trying to work it out out of commitment, if possible. But It seems I was lucky enough to not have to stain my life with that which I don't want to be involved with.

 

Just hurts that I was wrong and It didn't work out. I put so much into it this time. Time, money, my whole being. I'm slowly getting better, but do we really ever stop loving someone that you genuinely loved? Even if it was one-sided? Even though I am logical right now and feeling as if I've taken another step, tomorrow morning the feelings will probably hit. She's never coming back, and we will never be again. I've become jaded, and I'm not sure how much this all has really affected me. I guess time will only tell. But is it really worth it to even try again? Seems there's too many bullets out there and nothing to replace them.

[somethngwrng]

Just try your best to accept that she isn't who you thought she was. The feelings of love can remain, but we don't need that person to validate them anymore. They can't validate them since they aren't the same person we loved. The person who she was to you has "died".

 

Accept nothing good can come from dwelling on this, or remaining in contact with her. SHE no longer has what you wanted, she's only a shell of the person who did. Forget her. Don't contact her for any reason.

 

I'm 1 week NC with my ex now and I haven't even been having to think about it. Every time I think about contacting her I just tell myself "She doesn't care anymore, she's not the same person, she doesn't love you. If she did she'd be here with you right now"

[Wutdo]

I really like that mentality. Think I may have to adopt that to just finalize it all. None of my friends(true, not acquaintances) are like her either. I'm a bit picky with them. You are what you surround yourself with. Seems she's made her decision on life. It all still stings though that she chose this route over me. Is it spiteful to hope she regrets it later down the line? I can't help but think she deserves it, after all the care and how well I treated her. Then to be treated as if i'm less than trash out of nowhere.

[somethngwrng]

I don't think it's bad to feel that way, though I guess it is the definition of spiteful. Most everyone feels that way from time to time. You'll know you're fully over it when you just don't care one way or the other. I'm sure a large level of your trust was broken and the reality that is hitting you now is hard to swallow. It will sting, but the sooner you can accept it and accept who she really is now, the sooner the hurting will go away.

[SVin06]

Well Wutdo...I'm in almost exactly the same boat with you. Sucks that it's sinking and we didn't even make the holes. WE're just left here, bailing the water out as fast as we can to keep it afloat. Just like we were doing all along. I was with my ex 4.5 years, did everything for her. Rescued her...paid her bills, cooked, helped here keep the place clean, became a father to her daughter from another guy(raised her from 2-almost 7), my whole heart and soul into it. We got married in January and went on honeymoon in July. Then, in sept. she went to happy hour with friends, while i watched her kid, and didn't come home until 1130pm that night. No call, phone dead or off. Of course i was angry and instead of an apology, i got a fight and a BU. Less than two weeks later, before my stuff was out of the house, she was on the phone with the dude that was at happy hour. Now they're a couple and we're still officially not divorced. Same issues as you dealt with. Immaturity, selfishness, outright lack of character honestly. He was younger, made a little more money, and was into the party scene. Thats all she cared about. Not me, not the marriage, not the family, not even her kid. Everyone keeps telling me at that at some point, she'll probably come back when her life goes to crap. But, she'll undoubtably be a different person than the one i married. Already is since she gave herself to someone else, as far as I'm concerned. I want desperately to put my family back together and get past this, but sometimes, it's just not possiblle! Wish it wasn't true but it is. I only hope that I have the strength and intelligence to tell her to go take a long walk off a short pier. I'm working towards that the best i can. Only time will tell.

[Wutdo]

I don't think it's bad to feel that way, though I guess it is the definition of spiteful. Most everyone feels that way from time to time. You'll know you're fully over it when you just don't care one way or the other. I'm sure a large level of your trust was broken and the reality that is hitting you now is hard to swallow. It will sting, but the sooner you can accept it and accept who she really is now, the sooner the hurting will go away.

 

You're right. I go through phases where I say complete opposites of things I want in life. She broke my trust, not just in her, but women in general. I never expected her to do what she's doing now. This may have been the real her all along, just waiting to come out. It's still painful to watch. She's not worth my time, even in thoughts, or forum posting... but logic isn't winning at the moment. I've accepted it I think... It's just... While I realize she doesn't deserve to be in my life, cutting her off forever feels weird. Especially someone I had long term plans with. I know she still trusts me. Personally, I'd like to be there for her, but I know she's just using me. At the same time, I feel I'm abandoning her if I leave her at this point, where she's at a new low. I've seen the good and bad, though this is worse than what I accepted before. Isn't it just giving up on her as a person? I'd be there for a friend who was going through this, but... I just feel so confused at this point. My mind says to get away from her. But she's hurt, damaged. The one I cared for... the one who threw me away and didn't care... To treat them how they treated you, or not to... *sighs*

 

 

Well Wutdo...I'm in almost exactly the same boat with you. Sucks that it's sinking and we didn't even make the holes. WE're just left here, bailing the water out as fast as we can to keep it afloat. Just like we were doing all along. I was with my ex 4.5 years, did everything for her. Rescued her...paid her bills, cooked, helped here keep the place clean, became a father to her daughter from another guy(raised her from 2-almost 7), my whole heart and soul into it. We got married in January and went on honeymoon in July. Then, in sept. she went to happy hour with friends, while i watched her kid, and didn't come home until 1130pm that night. No call, phone dead or off. Of course i was angry and instead of an apology, i got a fight and a BU. Less than two weeks later, before my stuff was out of the house, she was on the phone with the dude that was at happy hour. Now they're a couple and we're still officially not divorced. Same issues as you dealt with. Immaturity, selfishness, outright lack of character honestly. He was younger, made a little more money, and was into the party scene. Thats all she cared about. Not me, not the marriage, not the family, not even her kid. Everyone keeps telling me at that at some point, she'll probably come back when her life goes to crap. But, she'll undoubtably be a different person than the one i married. Already is since she gave herself to someone else, as far as I'm concerned. I want desperately to put my family back together and get past this, but sometimes, it's just not possiblle! Wish it wasn't true but it is. I only hope that I have the strength and intelligence to tell her to go take a long walk off a short pier. I'm working towards that the best i can. Only time will tell.

 

Seriously.... I broke down bad enough as is. Married and a kid that wasn't even your own? You're a saint, my fellow floridian. People are just selfish. That sounds like a horrible situation. I'm moreso trying to figure out... why? Why do they just throw it all away? Completely oblivious to anyone else's feelings. What's so good about the party scene? I could never understand the fetish of acting stupid and doing drugs. Painkillers, etc on a daily basis just has no logical value as a recreational activity, in my opinion. If you need a supplement to feel good, then you have issues. The worst part is we're here hoping that the person we fell in love with will come back, but they won't, just like we will never be the same person after the damage they have caused.

[somethngwrng]

At the same time, I feel I'm abandoning her if I leave her at this point, where she's at a new low. I've seen the good and bad, though this is worse than what I accepted before. Isn't it just giving up on her as a person? I'd be there for a friend who was going through this, but... I just feel so confused at this point. My mind says to get away from her. But she's hurt, damaged. The one I cared for... the one who threw me away and didn't care... To treat them how they treated you, or not to... *sighs*

Dude... she abandoned you and all the plans you made, on a whim, with a guy she may well have completely replaced you with eventually. Her plans failed and now she is "at a new low" BECAUSE of that. It's not even a matter of repaying the favour, it's doing what is right for you. Being around her is going to make you feel trashy, I can guarantee that. Why would you want to do that for someone who would not do that for you? Seriously?

 

Here's the alternative route: make friends with her. Be there for her. Wait for her to find a new guy and do it to you all over again. Come back here and tell us about it.

 

Not trying being mean - that's the reality of the situation!

[Wutdo]

Dude... she abandoned you and all the plans you made, on a whim, with a guy she may well have completely replaced you with eventually. Her plans failed and now she is "at a new low" BECAUSE of that. It's not even a matter of repaying the favour, it's doing what is right for you. Being around her is going to make you feel trashy, I can guarantee that. Why would you want to do that for someone who would not do that for you? Seriously?

 

Here's the alternative route: make friends with her. Be there for her. Wait for her to find a new guy and do it to you all over again. Come back here and tell us about it.

 

Not trying being mean - that's the reality of the situation!

 

Advocating permanent NC? I've been thinking about this for a while, but that's just it. Just thinking. It almost makes me feel like I'm the bad guy, dumping her as a person for this. Guess I'll finalize a decision in the morning. These last 3 weeks sucked, especially thinking of her being all happy. Knowing she's screwing up though and in pain with nothing being peachy... just her fooling herself by being a follower of her "friends"... You reap what you sow, I guess.

 

I remember you posted on my original thread. Is that what you did? be there for her each time, going through a repeated cycle of emotional abuse? Starting to feel empty, personally. How would I even go about it now that I let her back in? Feels odd. "Btw, don't contact me again, until you've matured and become sincere"? or something.. idk. or just "Never speak to me again"? Blah. If I do this, I want to do it the correct way. Last time we spoke, I had mentioned being willing to be friends. Now it's like I'm just... Going back on my word. That's not something I do. Though last time I spoke, I was under the impression that she was nothing like the current her. Ugh.

[somethngwrng]

Talking about my LDR 3 years ago, I initially flipped on her when she told me she was falling for someone else. As far as I recall it was immediate NC, followed by LC later when she started talking to me complaining about things going awry, that maybe things could work out between her and I. She disappeared again in about a week. She continued a cycle with me for a while of popping in and out of my life like this, always saying she was sorry and things could work out between us.

 

Not worth it. Would never again allow a woman to keep me emotionally drained like she did.

 

Again, dude, you don't owe her anything. She abandoned you. "Going back on your word" about being friends means nothing - do you honestly think it's going to hurt her that bad? You are no longer her love interest, she is not emotionally invested in you like you are with her. Don't make an excuse to continue giving emotional support to someone who is just going to be an emotional drain to you.

[Wutdo]

Sound advice. Not sure what to say to her... or if i should just phase her out by completely ignoring. Luckily I've given up on getting back together with her. Luckily for me I guess, she hasn't ever said anything about getting back together. She's just using and abusing everyone she knows and trying to be like everyone else while finding herself. Really hate cutting off people. Makes me remember the love interest before the ex.

 

I can do this... She left me... I can do this.

[SVin06]

You can do this....and I think we haven't even really touched on the psychological change in dynamic here to take a user, or a cheater back. The reality is that we enabled this behavior of theirs along the way somehow, or allowed ourselves to fall into a position of weakness in the realationship and they felt empowered to behave in any way, or treat us poorly and somehow return if they needed. People do this. We let them. What do you think will happen if this works out for her? DO we really think that things will improve? Doubtful. Does your position strengthen...or get worse?

 

I love the insanity of reading the words I type to you and realizing that I probably would DO exactly the opposite if she showed up at the door right now. No wonder why mental hospitals are well occupied!

[Wutdo]

You can do this....and I think we haven't even really touched on the psychological change in dynamic here to take a user, or a cheater back. The reality is that we enabled this behavior of theirs along the way somehow, or allowed ourselves to fall into a position of weakness in the realationship and they felt empowered to behave in any way, or treat us poorly and somehow return if they needed. People do this. We let them. What do you think will happen if this works out for her? DO we really think that things will improve? Doubtful. Does your position strengthen...or get worse?

 

I love the insanity of reading the words I type to you and realizing that I probably would DO exactly the opposite if she showed up at the door right now. No wonder why mental hospitals are well occupied!

 

I'd never take a cheater back. It's deal breaker for me. As for using... Seems I did enable her using me emotionally. Woke up feeling really bad. All the new information just played in my head this morning, and still is while I'm doing job training at the moment. I haven't spoken to her since around the original post. Wrapping my head around her lack of care, and just her general selfishness is starting to take its toll. Somethngwrng was right, keeping in contact with her will just cycle these emotions on a variable basis. I just feel the need to do this all in a professional manner, even though she's gone buck wild and doesn't care about anyone but herself. Kicking myself right now for not just plain ignoring yesterday, and for originally putting myself in this situation with her. Need to remember to always go with my gut feeling. It's always right about people.

 

As for mental hospitals... haha. Yeah. I think we all go through at least one relationship where we latch on and do the opposite of what we realize we should be doing. Never had this problem before. She got me good~ My friend's view is- "I trust women to betray my trust." I tend to like to give them the benefit of the doubt. Generally don't care about men doing anything. It's always those we trust that hurt us the most. Time to start gluing the pieces back together.

[Wutdo]

Finally cut her off. We hadn't spoke since the last time... I'd been avoiding it. Put some final thoughts into it. Told her I'd always love the girl she used to be and wished her well. She had just rushed off to sleep, so idk if she's even read it. I said she'd made her decision on me being in her life, whether friendship or something else over the last two months, and that i wouldn't be that guy she wanted to talk to when things were going bad, since i deserve better. anyway. after all i said.... idk

 

Why do I feel so empty. On the verge of tears. I was doing so well, and she just had to come back in. This is painful. Why do they do this... Why do I feel this way. SHE left me. Treated me like crap, decided to screw up her life. Why do I hurt having to cut her off. Wish I did drugs or something. Need some way to alleviate this.

 

I keep pep-talking myself. But that's only temporary. 3 hours left on work training. Going crazy. Don't know what to do. I just have no interest in paying attention/participating, or anything right now. Need an outlet. Something, someone, anything. Freaking out. The hell is wrong with me. Lunch break, 2 months after the initial breakup, and I'm still dwelling on the single person who has hurt me the most, I trusted the most, and thought would take on the world together with me. This is bullcrap. No one deserves this kind of appreciation, care or attention from me. I quit. The world wanted a cynical, jaded as*hole, it just created one.

[SVin06]

Dude...your words could have come right out of my head. I mean, if you want to distract yourself for like thirty minutes, read my original post to learn my whole story and know that we're in this together. This forum has been the best thing for me to kill the time it takes for this to end. Everybody gives great advice, stuff to do, goals, focus on you, but the reality is...TIME. The rest is just stuff to do so your life is better when enough TIME has passed to realize that it's really done. I've tried focusing on myself a hundred thousand times in the last two months, as I'm sure you have....it's IMPOSSIBLE! It only gets a little easier the more TIME goes by so try not to focus on how you feel so much and distract yourself so TIME CAN GO BY. At least we have that to depend on right now. TIME WILL GO BY. There's nothing we can do to screw that up for ourselves! I'm sorry your having a hard day. Those suck. There's a book called THE POWER OF NOW, by Eckhart Tolle that was mentioned on this forum and may help ease your mind...or you from it more specifically. Go on a peer to peer if you can like limewire or shareaza and see if you can get it there. I did. You can also semd me a PM with an email and i'll send you the .PDF Stay as distracted as possible!!

[Wutdo]

Man, just read your original post. Would have flipped on that. My mother was a serial cheater and did pretty much what your ex did around the time I was born, etc. Still does a lot of those things still to this day, no joke. 20+ years later. They don't change. Combination of that grimey aspect of her and the fact that I was raised by my pacifist religious awesome father, is one of the reasons I have such idealistic views on certain things. I don't tolerate cheating, and pain or no pain, it's a complete deal breaker. Complete and utter disrespect that I won't tolerate. Sad cause I tolerate a lot of other things, but intimacy with another seems to be the one thing I find completely repulsive when you're committed and refuse to work through.

 

I'll take your advice on the book. Seemed to have calmed down now a bit since earlier. In person, with friends, logically... I'm sound. Emotionally though.. seems i handle things like a child. Well, w/e. Betrayal is always bad, regardless of age or experience. Unless I change my mindset from reading or something... Leaning towards completely devaluing everything I was raised to value as a sort of new year's resolution. Expectations seem to be what causes the pain. So... getting rid of them will cease the reactions. Will still try to improve and grow. Know that mentality shows an underlying weakness and damage. Then again, not caring also seems to be a great mentality to just adopt, cause then when there's something actually worth it, it'll make it that much better.