Wutdo Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 First and foremost... I still love this girl(or at least the girl she used to be), and have lingering feelings. Relapse on a constant basis. Anyway, here goes a bit of the story, and I can honestly say I feel a bit better after what just happened in the last hour. Backstory- Met her 4 years ago online. Started a LDR over a year ago while pursing an oversea's job. Came back to the US and focused on another degree(still am), she dumped me two months ago, August 31st. Loved the anniversary last night, really, nothing like a number attached to a day making you feel worthless. Anyway, there's an age gap. She's young, I should have known better, and told her why we should wait, but she convinced me otherwise, and ended up doing everything I predicted... EVERYTHING. The breakup time, the habits after, etc. Details -Said everything was a lie, she didn't want commitment, just casual. Gave me the classic lines. You're a great guy, just not for me. I love you, not in love with you. Thought I would feel the same after a while. I don't know why I don't appreciate you like I should. I've been thinking about this for a while and had doubts? (how the hell would I know if you're saying you love me everyday and want to move in together). In person everything was good. Got along well, attraction, etc. At least on my part, it wasn't honeymoon phase. Loved her for her. Physical aspect actually grew on me, as I never found her to be my cup of tea. But hey, lover her for who she was. So she broke up with me on August 31st. I was blind-sided. Week later she practically starts living with some new guy that she had met online close by. September 17th I go on NC(personally decided. never heard of the term at that point). She contacts around the 29th. Emotional about the new guy hurting her. Says she'll call by the next morning. Doesn't. I'm on pins and needles, cause at this point i'm still having nightmares, crying and depressed daily. Finally I call after she doesn't call when she said she would call by. She's with the new guy during the call. This is where she tells me she loves him more than she ever did me, etc and made me feel like crap. I decide to cut it off. I get intentionally drunk(first time i touched alcohol in about 3 years), cry, all that good stuff. Joined the forum, read a bunch of threads and.... Finally accepted the situation. Broke NC. We talked a few times. Eventually I sent an email saying I accepted everything, was hurt, but would respect her decision, but didn't want to be used as that guy she falls to when she's having issues with her boytoys. We were friends before everything, I figured we could be again(but was still running off emotions on that aspect). Anyway, she calls me on October 8th. Says she laughed at my email, calls bull * * * * on what I said, told me I'm worthless to her even as a friend and just degrades me for no reason. Mind you she had told me post breakup that she wished I could be that friend I was before we dated, and that she still trusts me the most, etc. So I went NC again. Let me point out. While we had communication issues from time to time, I never did anything to hurt her, etc. In fact, she just ended up bored with me. I spent too much time talking to her on a daily basis. Smothered her with feelings and never said anything negative and tried to avoid petty things. Since then, it's been 24 days? I relapsed here and there and would read the forums when thinking of her. Which was a lot. Got a new job, etc. Realized she's not worth my time and selfish. I play games online to numb my mind at times just to not think of anything, cause she creeps in so much. Her smile, etc. Anyway, the reason for this post. She added me on an account I have. Asked how I was doing, wanted to chat. Pretty much said she's f'd up over the last two months. Thinks she just wanted to latch on to someone(she always wanted the physical aspect of having someone constantly there- I couldn't permanently move till this coming up year-which was the plan. Anyway, says he's worthless, has issues, hurt her, and made her realize how naive she is. Says she doesn't trust anyone. But she still hangs with him for convenience and he does the same. All her friends are from the same online group as the guy now. Her coworkers are similar. She's doing drugs, smoking(which I hate-won't date anyone that does), failing her classes. Wants to quit school, but will have to pay out a lot of money if she does. So screwed regardless of what she does. Wants to go home. Realizes what I said was right on that aspect.(Home in the same town as uni. Just wasting money) Talking about how it's great to experiment with stuff, but she hates life, blah blah blah. COMPLETELY different person than the girl I fell in love with. I had tried to avoid this phase by telling her to go through with Uni stuff first, then we could possibly date, but she convinced me otherwise that she was different and I should give her a chance. Being the idiot I am, I made a bad choice in getting involved, and am now still picking up the pieces. During the period of no contact. I had decided to never contact her. FYI, I love thorshammer's posts. As I generally try to adopt his mentality on them. She's dead to me. I figured I'd break down today when she wanted to talk. But it just reconfirmed. She's not worth my time. She's just reaching out to me, the guy who was always appreciative, loved her, there for her no matter what, because she's fallen and has trash all around her. Essentially trying to use me. I haven't decided if I'll just flat out ignore her henceforth. But I can say that her immaturity is showing itself, and I don't want any part of it. She's going down a self-destructive path that I never had a part in, as I had to focus on rent and other things during Uni, and was raised to take responsibility for my actions. I'd never take the current her back, and after she bailed and showed how selfish she was, I doubt she could do anything in the next 100 years to make my take her back, even if she's changed. She's weak, easily influenced, ridiculously naive and self-centered... a shadow of the amazing girl she convinced me she was. What I can say though is that I feel a sense of self-satisfaction. I'm not sure why. I don't believe in Karma. But man, there must be someone out there looking out for me. I dodged a nuke, as the current her would only bring me down. I'd have been there for her, trying to work it out out of commitment, if possible. But It seems I was lucky enough to not have to stain my life with that which I don't want to be involved with. Just hurts that I was wrong and It didn't work out. I put so much into it this time. Time, money, my whole being. I'm slowly getting better, but do we really ever stop loving someone that you genuinely loved? Even if it was one-sided? Even though I am logical right now and feeling as if I've taken another step, tomorrow morning the feelings will probably hit. She's never coming back, and we will never be again. I've become jaded, and I'm not sure how much this all has really affected me. I guess time will only tell. But is it really worth it to even try again? Seems there's too many bullets out there and nothing to replace them. Link to comment
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