cephei Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 I’m writing this because this forum used to be my safe place—a place where I could anonymously vent about my cyclical relationship woes and get wonderful, thoughtful advice—just to eventually turn around and ignore it. I’ve had about ten usernames on here because I was so ashamed about coming back to eNotAlone and knew that one of you would notice that my threads had a consistently hopeless theme and that you’d think I was a lost case. I’m here nearly a year later to tell you that I’ve been you: I was in an agonizingly passionate on/off 4.5-year-long relationship, and I’m now in a new relationship with the most caring, thoughtful, and sincere person I’ve ever met. I want you to know that there is someone out there who will treat you well and be willing to commit to you through thick and thin. There’s only one thing you need to know: CUT OFF ALL CONTACT ENTIRELY, FOREVER. The reason my ex-relationship dragged on for nearly 5 years, over the course of several dozen breakups, is because we never completely cut off contact. We’d go a week here, a week there, and then end up in bed together or on the phone, talking about how much we still loved each other and no one else compared. And you know what? I love him more than ever. I love him enough to respect his space, to respect his new relationship, to chalk everything up to experience and wish him the best. I love him enough to know that we were not good for each other, and no matter how hard I tried, it wouldn’t have worked. I love him enough to cut him off and let him go and never show my face in his life again. And how did I finally realize we were never going to work? I felt the same things you may be feeling. I felt drained after being with him. I felt like I was hitting a wall when it came to communicating with him. We had endless issues trusting and respecting each other. We slowly became jealous, manipulative, and controlling people. My friends and family did not support the relationship—I often envisioned our wedding, where everyone in attendance would be a little bit heartbroken and disappointed. I stopped talking to people about my relationship problems because I felt ashamed. I knew that after four years of complaining followed by rushes of elation when he did something great, PEOPLE STOPPED TAKING ME SERIOUSLY. I felt many times like I was actually going insane. The relationship consumed me from ages 19 to 24. I see now that I entered into it as a child, insecure and impulsive, and exited it as an adult, with new feelings of patience and self-respect. It was a SLOW and extremely painful transformation, but I AM HAPPY NOW. I spent several months rediscovering myself, my passions, my interests, my ambitions, and had no desire to date anyone at all. Then I met someone who was equally happy in his singleness, and I was hesitant to get involved with him, but his kindness blew me away. It still blows me away. I am proud to introduce him to my friends and family. I am able to communicate with him and work through any problem either of us have. Strangely enough, before my failed relationship, I don’t think I’d have given him a second look because we have very little in common as far as interests and hobbies go. But I’ve realized that these things (liking the same music, for example) mean nothing when it comes to having a successful relationships. You don’t deserve to be with someone who pulls you down, who keeps you hanging, and who makes you doubt your sanity and self-worth. I promise, there is a light at the end of the tunnel—it just takes a LOT of work and self-discipline to get there. There will be months of sleepless nights, questionable decision-making, crying, pain and regret. But if you can get through it yourself, without crawling back to him/her, you will be so much stronger and happier for it. The most important things I've learned are to TRUST YOUR GUT (it's always right) and TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR HAPPINESS (your happiness is a choice, and it requires constant hard work and commitment). If you love yourself and are kind to yourself and kind to others, you will get through this. I hope this helps somebody and isn’t just worthless rambling! Link to comment
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