My success story

[cephei]

I’m writing this because this forum used to be my safe place—a place where I could anonymously vent about my cyclical relationship woes and get wonderful, thoughtful advice—just to eventually turn around and ignore it. I’ve had about ten usernames on here because I was so ashamed about coming back to eNotAlone and knew that one of you would notice that my threads had a consistently hopeless theme and that you’d think I was a lost case.

 

I’m here nearly a year later to tell you that I’ve been you: I was in an agonizingly passionate on/off 4.5-year-long relationship, and I’m now in a new relationship with the most caring, thoughtful, and sincere person I’ve ever met. I want you to know that there is someone out there who will treat you well and be willing to commit to you through thick and thin. There’s only one thing you need to know:

 

CUT OFF ALL CONTACT ENTIRELY, FOREVER.

The reason my ex-relationship dragged on for nearly 5 years, over the course of several dozen breakups, is because we never completely cut off contact. We’d go a week here, a week there, and then end up in bed together or on the phone, talking about how much we still loved each other and no one else compared.

 

And you know what? I love him more than ever. I love him enough to respect his space, to respect his new relationship, to chalk everything up to experience and wish him the best. I love him enough to know that we were not good for each other, and no matter how hard I tried, it wouldn’t have worked. I love him enough to cut him off and let him go and never show my face in his life again.

And how did I finally realize we were never going to work? I felt the same things you may be feeling. I felt drained after being with him. I felt like I was hitting a wall when it came to communicating with him. We had endless issues trusting and respecting each other. We slowly became jealous, manipulative, and controlling people. My friends and family did not support the relationship—I often envisioned our wedding, where everyone in attendance would be a little bit heartbroken and disappointed. I stopped talking to people about my relationship problems because I felt ashamed. I knew that after four years of complaining followed by rushes of elation when he did something great, PEOPLE STOPPED TAKING ME SERIOUSLY. I felt many times like I was actually going insane.

 

The relationship consumed me from ages 19 to 24. I see now that I entered into it as a child, insecure and impulsive, and exited it as an adult, with new feelings of patience and self-respect. It was a SLOW and extremely painful transformation, but I AM HAPPY NOW. I spent several months rediscovering myself, my passions, my interests, my ambitions, and had no desire to date anyone at all. Then I met someone who was equally happy in his singleness, and I was hesitant to get involved with him, but his kindness blew me away. It still blows me away. I am proud to introduce him to my friends and family. I am able to communicate with him and work through any problem either of us have. Strangely enough, before my failed relationship, I don’t think I’d have given him a second look because we have very little in common as far as interests and hobbies go. But I’ve realized that these things (liking the same music, for example) mean nothing when it comes to having a successful relationships.

 

You don’t deserve to be with someone who pulls you down, who keeps you hanging, and who makes you doubt your sanity and self-worth. I promise, there is a light at the end of the tunnel—it just takes a LOT of work and self-discipline to get there. There will be months of sleepless nights, questionable decision-making, crying, pain and regret. But if you can get through it yourself, without crawling back to him/her, you will be so much stronger and happier for it.

 

The most important things I've learned are to TRUST YOUR GUT (it's always right) and TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR HAPPINESS (your happiness is a choice, and it requires constant hard work and commitment). If you love yourself and are kind to yourself and kind to others, you will get through this.

 

I hope this helps somebody and isn’t just worthless rambling!

[Sanity]

Great information.

 

I would also like to add that there is no reason to convince yourself that your ex will break up with the new person they are currently with. And even if they do, there is no guarantee they will come back to you. It is counter-productive to hope that it is a 'rebound' or whatsoever. A lot of us fall into this trap and think that they will come back when the honeymoon is over.

 

My ex's boyfriend broke up with her but she is currently grieving over him. Sometimes you just have to face the fact that they have moved on. I had done all the mistakes, being there for her etc but in the end it only prolongs the pain and repeats the cycle. Being there for her only for her to say that I am the reason for their break up and said she can't contact me again. Place yourself first.

 

If anything, time is the best answer/solution.

[cephei]

And even if they do, and they DO come back to you, why would you want to be anyone's #2 if they were always your #1?

[dabbledave]

I can learn from this post. Great stuff! Thanks for sharing.

[Aleina2011]

If you love yourself and are kind to yourself and kind to others, you will get through this.

 

I am using this time to work on this at the moment. I never particularly loved myself. Thanks for your post

[Butterfly023]

Hi Cephei, Thank you very much for writing this. I think ur story is exactly like mine, except I'm still in the on again off again 3 1/2 year relationship...This is very helpful. A few questions if you don't mind.

 

I spent several months rediscovering myself, my passions, my interests, my ambitions, and had no desire to date anyone at all.

 

I'm at the point now that this is really what I want to work on...However, I am stuck and how to obtain this. Any suggestions on how to work on this? Everything I try just feels so empty and not joyful. I lost many friends being w/ the ex and he kinda controlled my life. We always did what he wanted. I am also a single mom w/ NO child support from dad so kinda broke so its very hard to go take classes etc. I am clueless on what I enjoy at this point. I'm still at the point where I am questioning the break, but I think...I know it will never change and always be how you stated above?

 

Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks and Congrats!

[hodgeheg]

Thank you so much for posting this Cephei, it made me smile to read and I hope to be able to write something similar on here in the future.