Ex Boyfriend and Intimacy

[kamurj]

My ex broke up with me one year ago after a five month relationship. He is no longer in the picture (haven't spoken in months), but memories of our relationship and my lack of "intimacy skills" as he put it was one of the causes of our breakup. I think I need to work through these issues before dating again.

 

I was 26, and E was 36. I was a virgin (and still am). He was constantly unhappy about the fact that I didn't initiate intimacy with him and didn't hold his hand, etc. as much as he wanted. We got to third base, and he wouldn't go all the way because he said "I wasn't ready." It just seemed that, instead of helping me and waiting for me to catch up to him (oral sex, foreplay), he went ahead with me and then was hurt that I didn't know what to do. He used to be sarcastic and say that "well, you SHOULD know what to do, you don't need me to tell you." He said that he was older and knew what he wanted in a relationship, and didn't have years to spend on me.

 

I guess I never did feel easy or comfortable around him, since he was my former boss (I left the company when my internship was over but we still dated) and was fairly wealthy. He said that shouldn't matter, but I didn't feel like his equal. I asked for his help with foreplay, what he likes, but by that time he said "if you don't know, I can't tell you." He said that foreplay to me was "a peck on the cheek."

 

Well he broke up with me, and now I'm glad of the relationship since it taught me to value myself and now I am committed to raising my self esteem. I am terrified, though, of getting into another relationship and feeling belittled or made to feel bad because of my lack of experience. I feel very unsexy and somehow a "sexual misfit." Can any one off me advice?

 

Feeling Unsexy

 

[kamurj]

this guy was obviously using you and was not prepared to devote the quality time needed to develop the intamate side of your so called relationship!!! But please do not feel as i am being harsh but the is nothingwrong with still being avirgin at 27?!! ou need to look for a prtner that make's you happy as a person an dyou will find that evrything will just click into place, but don't don't feel that you have to rush into anything inorder to satisfy someone else, look after No.1. Paul

[oracle2gurl]

I know this is hard for you. It's not easy being a virgin nowadays. I look up to people like you. I am nineteen, and just can't get over my x boyfriend who just turned 17 in high school. We met on a church retreat, and i thought he was one of those guys with a super EGO from you know where. Well, we talked for a few hours, and had a connection. We dated, and then we broke up. We were supposed to go to prom together, and a week before prom, he tells me he's going with the head cheerleader. She introduced him to all these new SEXUAL things. So when we got back together, i almost lost my virginity to him. I was really scared, cause my religion states that if i loose my virginity before marraige...well, it's just not good. We've talked about third base, which i don't feel comfortable going to. I know i'm prude sounding, it's just that my religion is the thing that scares me. I know how you feel. Don't get discouraged. I feel stuck in all the high school drama bull You know what. But the thing is that i can't get over him. And i'm afraid he's gonna get to me eventually. PLease hang in there. If you can do it, so can I. People like you are hard to find. And when you meet the right guy, he's gonna know how sexy you are cause you held off for him. That is what i call love. I wish I could have my guy back. Goodluck. Please hang in there. And say a prayer for me. I'll say one for you.

[kamurj]

Well you should not at all feel unsexy. I give you a lot of credit for staying "unexperienced" That guy was just a jerk who wanted it all and wasn't willing to work for it but don't worry they're not all like that and I think you should take your chances on another guy and explain to him what you worries are ahead of time.

If he's not understanding then he's not the one. Best wishes!!!!!

 

[ This Message was edited by: kamurj on 2002-03-31 13 ]

[bzborow1]

Bottom line is that the guy probably isn't a jerk. He's just completely fixated on himself. Many guys are like this, however, so you gotta be careful. Just remember, a truly great guy will understand all your concerned, although maybe not the holding hands thing. A great guy would be willing to wait. But more importantly, a great guy would encourage you to do things, offer his opinions and suggestions, and also be understanding enough to expect you to do the same for him.

 

In my experience, when you communicate with a woman what you need, as well as asking for anything she needs, it makes for a better time. I'd be looking for a guy who can do those things for you, if I was in your shoes.